Is it good to punish your child?

«He doesn’t listen to anyone!» — complains the mother of 5-year-old Seva. «She snaps all the time!» — continues the mother of 13-year-old Alice. “No matter how much you scold him, he still continues to be outrageous!” — adds the father of 9-year-old Leva … Many parents admit that they do not know how to cope with their children.

“The desire to go beyond the established boundaries is inherent in the nature of the child,” explains child psychologist Natalya Evsikova. “Naughty gives him the opportunity to explore the world around him and his relationship with his parents. Bringing adults to the limit, he seems to test our strength: after all, if parents do not know how to stand up for themselves, then the child cannot be sure that they will protect him in case of danger.

This may be somewhat comforting, but it is unlikely to help cope with the daily difficulties of education. Georgy, 36, admits that he has stopped sitting at the table with the whole family: “I can no longer hear my 4-year-old daughter screaming if they try to feed her with anything other than pasta!” Admitting defeat is not an option, but how to be? “Our parents knew what to do in such cases,” says George. “I can’t say that about myself…”

The era of child kings

“Today, many parents no longer know how to punish their children,” says Yury Shevchenko, a child psychiatrist. “The very word “punishment” seems almost indecent: it has echoes of authoritarianism, it throws back decades, when children were brought up with the help of slaps on the back of the head and whipping with a belt.”

Rigid upbringing is the legacy of a centuries-old tradition: children grew up having no rights, only duties, and the main one is blind obedience to elders. Relationships have changed since then, thanks in large part to the work of psychologists, pediatricians, and teachers. The principles of submission and duty were replaced by love and the understanding that a child is a person who deserves attention and respect.

In Russia, the change in approach to education coincided with the changes in social and economic life that occurred in the late 80s.

“A break with the usual ideology is nothing more than a breakdown of traditions, which always gives rise to fundamental uncertainty about today and tomorrow, in the chosen methods of action,” commented developmental psychologist Galina Burmenskaya. — The largest American psychologist Eric Erickson, studying the influence of social factors on the development of a child’s personality, found out that his emotional health largely depends on the mother’s confidence that she treats him correctly. When she is not sure about this, the child feels her anxiety and grows up with a sense of inner discomfort.

When the social system changes, a situation of uncertainty inevitably arises in society: some traditions are lost (including in the style of family education), we voluntarily abandon others, although we are not yet ready to develop new ones. Hence the confusion in the minds of many modern parents.

There is no doubt that in the last 30 years attitudes towards children have become more trusting and respectful. In the meantime, psychologists are increasingly seeing “children-kings” along with their unarmed moms and dads.

“Understanding the need for dialogue in education, parents recognize that it is necessary to set boundaries, without which the child turns into a tyrant and suffers from it himself,” says Natalya Evsikova. “After all, he does not feel safe and cannot develop harmoniously if he does not know the difference between what is permitted and what is not permitted.”

Parental guilt

“Will I hurt him?”, “Will I be a good mother?” — Many parents feel guilty and cannot decide how to act. «I’m afraid to punish him — what if he stops loving me?» — Vera, the mother of 4-year-old Kirill, admits. When a child feels that the punishment is unfair (too emotional, rude in form, or simply wrong), he is offended and often becomes aggressive. Parents, on the other hand, see in such behavior only evidence of his dislike — they get upset, feel even more self-doubt and do not know how to react to his words and actions.

“For past generations of parents, it was enough for their children to respect them,” says Natalia Evsikova. “Modern mothers and fathers want more, they strive to establish friendly, loving relationships with children … But this implies equality of partners, and it is a profound delusion to believe that an adult and a child can communicate on an equal footing.” Unlike a friendship or love union, the child-parent relationship is by definition asymmetrical: the adult is responsible for the child, who is still very much dependent on him.

Confirm Rule

“Children need to feel protected,” emphasizes Natalya Evsikova. “When educating, we must protect the child, in particular, from his own impulses, until he has learned to control himself.”

In many ways, therefore, education is based on a system of rules that give the child the opportunity to understand the difference between what is permitted and prohibited. And a rule becomes a rule only when sanctions are provided for its violation — actions by which an adult confirms the rule.

“If you look in Dahl’s dictionary, we will see that “punish” means not only to impose sanctions, but first to give an order (command, injunction, instruction), explains Yury Shevchenko. “Punishment is always a reaction to breaking a rule that the child knew about.” That is why the parent words must be quite specific.

For example, it’s better to say «You should be home at 10 pm» rather than «I would like you to be back by 10 pm.» “Being tough doesn’t mean being mean. Intonation, looks, gestures must correspond to the meaning of the words,” says Yuriy Shevchenko. To say “I forbid you to leave the house” in the same voice as “Better stay with us” means to deprive your words of any persuasiveness.

“If we didn’t let the child know whether he was dealing with a wish, a request or a mandatory requirement, he doesn’t know that he is disobedient, and therefore he feels unfairly punished,” says Natalia Evsikova.

Correctly measured punishments

To educate means to teach children to be responsible. That is why the child must know what will follow if he does not fulfill the requirements of the parents. “I want you to clean up your room. If you don’t, you’ll have to clean the living room as well.» By warning the child in advance of sanctions, we encourage him to deliberate obedience.

What if he doesn’t listen? “In this case, there are no compromises: parents should apply what they warned the child about (but no more), — says Yuriy Shevchenko. “After all, multiplying threats of punishment and not carrying them out is a direct path to the fact that he will generally stop paying attention to the words of adults. And, of course, parents must be sure that they themselves are able to apply the promised sanctions.”

But what about antics that openly piss us off? A slap is an understandable response, but punishments given in anger never reach the mark. “If he is outrageous, you need to stop it, without waiting until you stop controlling yourself,” advises Yuriy Shevchenko.

Hot-handed physical punishment is bad punishment also because it humiliates the child. “When a son or daughter is excited and does not hear your words, limit their activity,” adds Galina Burmenskaya. — The one who is younger should just be pressed to you: “Stop, calm down, we are counting until …” The one who is older can be seated on a chair, sent to another room. And so stop the behavior in a way that is not humiliating for the child.

This will give him time to “cool down”, to think, and parents to ask themselves whether punishment is necessary, and if so, what kind. But it must always be proportionate to the offense. It is impossible to punish equally, say, for being late, insulting or cheating: the scale of actions of adults should take into account the severity of the offense and in some sense embody the hierarchy of values ​​accepted in the family.

And if the child is worried and repents of his behavior? “By punishing him in this case too, we act mechanically, and education is a flexible process. The child must be sure that no matter what he does, his parents love him. Talk to him about what happened today. Do not remember his past actions. Listen to him and forgive,” advises Galina Burmenskaya.

The last resort

“Often, by punishing a child, parents deprive him of something important: for example, they forbid watching a movie, meeting friends,” says Natalya Evsikova. — Restrictions are sometimes really effective, but they should not be humiliating, like: “You will walk around in old clothes, and we will remove your new jacket until you improve.”

You can take away entertainment (TV, video games, the right to go somewhere in the evening), but not activities that give the child the opportunity to develop as a person or are vital for him (sports, art, food).” And, of course, they should be temporary: «You lose the opportunity to play on the computer for exactly three days.»

“It is also important for parents not to forget that for young children, the attention and presence of adults is the pleasure and happiness of their lives,” says Galina Burmenskaya. “It is enough for children to lose them for a few minutes, so that they feel punished beyond measure!”

“The sanctions associated with correcting the situation remind the child of his responsibility,” continues Galina Burmenskaya. “To fix what is broken, to clean the room where the mess was made, to clean the dirty furniture … The child knows that he did badly, gets angry with himself, and by exerting physical effort, corrects the situation and frees himself from the burden of this feeling.” Such punishments are appropriate for children older than 5-6 years.

“The main thing is that punishment remains the last resort when reminders of the rules adopted in the family and explanations are not enough,” emphasizes Natalya Evsikova. “Otherwise, there is a risk of entering into a relationship of constant conflict with the child, in which parents will be forced to tighten sanctions over and over again.”

If punishment becomes the only way to achieve obedience, then the very foundations of the relationship between an adult and a child are violated, and parents need to think about how to rebuild them and regain their authority. “In this case,” says Galina Burmenskaya, “professional help from a psychologist is often needed.”

Any punishment smacks of defeat: we could not easily and naturally get what we consider right from the child. Well, maybe the fact is that there really are no ideal parents.

5 reasons why you shouldn’t spank your child

1. In any case, this is a blow worthy of condemnation in itself.

2. This is a recognition of his weakness: the parent could not control himself, and this drops his authority in the eyes of the child. The child concludes that by his provocations he can take over the adult.

3. This makes violence something common: an adult makes it clear that physical strength is the only reliable means of resolving the conflict. There is a danger that the child will learn this rule and, in turn, will begin to choose forms of behavior associated with violence.

4. It’s humiliating: the child feels not loved enough, he behaves worse and worse … and gets more spanking. This vicious cycle encourages both sides to become increasingly violent and hinders the development of self-respect in the child.

5. This is ineffective: if the child yields, it is out of fear, and not because of an admission of guilt. He does not learn any lesson from this punishment, the causes of the conflict do not disappear, on the contrary, they provoke the next crisis in relations. Yes, under the influence of emotions, the most principled parent can spank a child. But after a while, when the crisis has passed, explain without getting confused in apologies: “I didn’t want to do this, but your behavior (words, deed) made me angry.” This phrase will show the child that you understand the pointlessness of physical punishment. And, perhaps, it will be the first step towards your dialogue.