Is it easy to be a man today?

Until recently, it didn’t take much effort to be a man. Masculinity was considered something self-evident. Popular culture offered clear and indisputable examples of the behavior of a real man – from the defender of the motherland on the posters of the Great Patriotic War to a series of movie characters.

From time immemorial, it was believed: to be a man is, first of all, not to be a woman, to reject the female component of one’s personality. Men build themselves not imitating their father, but starting from the image of their mother, especially if there was no understanding and loving father in their life.

“Children begin their emotional life by identifying themselves with their mother,” explains sociologist and sexologist Igor Kon. “But boys will soon find out that they are different from their mothers. They are forced to form their masculine identity negatively, through separation from their mother.” It turns out that a “real man” must abandon genuine emotions. He does not cry, rarely talks about his feelings, expresses them with deeds. “I have never cried in my entire life,” recalls 62-year-old Vasily. “Even when I buried my sister. Men do not cry”.

Historical context

In primitive society, they were hunters and warriors. They required physical strength, determination, patience and silence in order to lie in wait for prey and deliver an accurate blow. Even the root of the Russian word “courage” suggests that courage and endurance were originally considered masculine traits. Other valuable properties of men – notions of honor, discipline, respect for hierarchy and loyalty – made it possible to build the most important social institutions and form the structure of modern society based on male power.

The image of the ideal man also includes self-control, activity, independence, logic and the desire to win. But those qualities that were historically necessary for survival and protection are now increasingly complicating life in a family and in a couple, limiting the development of a man’s personality. In particular, because in the collective unconscious these indisputable virtues are “linked” with such unacceptable traits today as aggressiveness, brute force, the desire to dominate a woman.

Now that women have achieved financial independence, equal work rights, and sexual freedom, the age-old foundation of male power has been shaken. Even the transmission of a generic name has ceased to be a male privilege: a child can receive the surname not only of the father, but also of the mother.

According to the Russian Monitoring of the Economic Situation and Health of the Population (RLMS), 62% of Russian men believe that they are more suitable for the role of a leader than women, and 66% believe that “a husband’s business is to earn money, and a woman’s business is to look after children.” But still, under the pressure of modern independent women, the traditional idea of ​​gender roles is losing ground. Stereotypes no longer help male self-definition: men have to reinvent themselves.

How have men changed?

The time of freedom has come – but also the loss of reference points. Men are looking for their way, wandering in the fog, because the universal model of masculinity has given way to a multifaceted image of a man. One of the popular types is the metrosexual, a favorite character in advertising. He enjoys shopping, is not shy about showing his feelings and cares about his appearance.

A prime example is football player David Beckham. He follows fashion, wears jewelry, changes his hairstyle. And at the same time remains the standard of masculinity.

Men in general began to pay more attention to their appearance, trying to look as good and younger as possible. “In recent decades, the male body has become more open and accessible to the eye. The realization that they are looking at his body, depicting him is an incentive for a man to take care of his health and beauty. The body and appearance are becoming important components of the male image, on which the overall self-esteem, self-esteem and the level of subjective well-being of the individual depend, ”explains Igor Kon.

23-year-old Mikhail believes that taking care of himself is necessary: ​​“I go to fitness, use creams, watch my diet. In men’s magazines you can always find information about the right physical activity, how to keep fit and not get sick.

Taking care of yourself is now accepted not only among young people. “We pay close attention to how employees and competitors dress,” says Oleg, 49, a publishing house director. “Appearance really matters. If you want to be respected – if you please correspond. Women also pay attention to how a man is dressed. “Clothes that indicate the high status of its owner significantly increase the attractiveness of a man in the eyes of a woman,” says anthropologist Marina Butovskaya.

Another test for today’s men, pushing them towards feminization, is the loss of the role of the sole breadwinner and the real threat of losing their jobs. The sword of Damocles of dismissal hangs over representatives of any profession, the competition in the labor market is very high. Today, a man can no longer firmly count on the fact that his career will be smooth.

“In the labor sphere, the traditional system of the gender division of labor is being destroyed, the polarization of male and female production roles and fields of activity is weakening,” confirms Igor Kon. “Women are gradually being compared with men, and even surpass them in terms of the level of education, on which future careers and social opportunities largely depend.”

What is important for a modern man?

But a modern man wants not only to earn a living, but also to live! So he has to change his priorities. Personal value is determined not only by professional status – a man seeks to realize himself as the father of the family, husband, lover, friend. And in this desire is not far behind the woman! According to an international survey within the MALES project, for most men in the world today, the cornerstone of masculinity is independence and respect for friends. And attractiveness, financial stability and an active sex life are much less significant.

According to a study conducted by RLMS, 70% of Russian men name family and children as one of the three most important values ​​in life, 30% and 25%, respectively, find interesting work and having friends. The man is actively involved in family life and takes his role as a father more seriously than ever. More and more men are cutting back on their workloads to spend more time at home. They establish a trusting relationship with their children from the very first years of their lives, whereas before, taking care of a small child was considered the exclusive responsibility of the mother.

“The increase in paternal love may be partly due to some estrogenization of the male population of post-industrial countries,” explains Marina Butovskaya. She argues that this trend is also reflected in women’s expectations: “The increase in the importance for a woman of such a characteristic as kindness in choosing a partner reflects a general orientation towards monogamy and the search for “good fathers”.

It becomes more and more obvious: to be a real man does not mean to be macho. A real man is a complex person with his own strengths and weaknesses, strong principles and the ability to adapt and change. Macho, on the other hand, asserts himself primarily through defiantly aggressive behavior and dominance over women.

“Maybe before drinking and fighting were considered attributes of masculinity. But now all this is a thing of the past,” says 29-year-old Ivan, an engineer. “A woman is more likely to choose not a tough guy, but a sincere, humane one who is not shy about being herself.”

What happens? Have men and women finally buried the hatchet? It is not that simple. Some men, deep down, are afraid of change, as if women are depriving them of their male power, almost castrating them. In response, they rebel, trying to resurrect the most popular stereotypes of masculinity.

Some are attracted by the romance of thieves chanson, others endlessly watch series with shooting and chases, others perform computer feats for hours, identifying themselves with the muscular and armed to the teeth hero of the games.

Victims of the war of the sexes

The gallery of images of modern men would be incomplete without another type – “men on the verge of a nervous breakdown”, who got lost between feminization and neo-Machismo. He perceives women’s independence as a personal threat. He has lost all the landmarks of masculinity that could support him. Self-doubt, impaired potency, fear of responsibility, lack of initiative – these are the symptoms by which you can recognize a lost man.

“The crisis of masculinity, which is much talked about and written about, is primarily a crisis of the usual gender order and traditional masculine ideology,” notes Igor Kon. “The driving force behind this change is women, and some men perceive the changes taking place with anxiety.”

Today, men need to find a new place in relationships with women who are taking revenge on centuries of male dominance, sometimes embodying in their behavior norms that were previously considered exclusively male. “It happens that when meeting a girl, she demonstrates her independence, behaves almost aggressively, and then suddenly it turns out that in fact she expects tenderness from you, which you are not ready to give her,” admits 23-year-old Artem, a student.

Oleg, director of a publishing house, recalls his difficult life period: “I think that women behave too harshly. Moreover, for men, the time of the crisis turned into a decline in activity. I broke up with my beloved woman for a while – I simply could not maintain a relationship … Of course, sometimes you want to share your problems with a friend. But it is better to think first whether it is necessary to do this. A woman doesn’t like it when a man loses confidence.” No, it’s not easy being a man today.

What does a woman want?

A man should be a protector-knight and a gallant cavalier, recognize a woman as his equal and admire her feminine charm. To meet women’s expectations, he expands the range of courtship techniques.

This is confirmed by the sociologist Christine Castelin-Meunier: “A woman expects a lot from a man – she wants him to be able to make her laugh, surprise her, and emphasize her superiority over her rivals. It should arouse interest, but also give a sense of reliability. In general, to win a woman, you need the ability to play a variety of roles.

So what is he, a modern man? He accepts himself and his weaknesses, but maintains self-confidence. He knows what he wants and what he absolutely does not accept. Being courageous today means being flexible without losing your own face. The main thing now is not so much courage or ambition, but inner strength. It is this strength that modern women are looking for in men.

Having won the right to happiness, women realized that in order to exercise this right, they need a man next to them. Ready to understand and support. Accomplished and versatile. Responsible and able to make decisions. So men, the challenge is up!