Is it easier to be a wanted child?

It seems that today the era of the most desirable children is coming for us. Modern science and medicine are also entirely on the side of those who are trying and planning to have a child: even the Nobel Prize this year was awarded to the British scientist Robert Edwards (Robert Edwards) for the development of in vitro fertilization technology. But if a person was born desirable – does this really mean that he was lucky in life? This question itself may seem inappropriate and even offend those who were born “at the wrong time” and suffered from it. And yet the answer to it for many is not at all so unambiguous. As well as the desire of the parents of the unborn child themselves. “Their motives can be very diverse, and they are by no means always easy to understand,” says developmental psychologist Yuri Frolov. “It happens that parents really want a child consciously, and much less on an unconscious level,” agrees psychoanalyst Simone Korff Sausse. – After all, the appearance of a child symbolically brings us closer to death: from now on, we are no longer the youngest generation in the family, and this is not easy to accept. It happens, on the contrary, that conception occurs by chance, but when a child is born, parents invest in him a lot of care, warmth and strength. That is, although they consciously did not plan a child, they unconsciously desired very much.

Right to live

In childhood or later in adolescence, we all feel the need to know the circumstances of our coming into this world and to make sure that they were favorable. When we ask our parents, we seem to test the strength of their love, which we need. “Confirming that our birth is not accidental strengthens our basic trust in the world,” says child psychologist Elena Zakharova. “Often such questions are one way to regain confidence when a child feels a lack of love – for example, after a parent’s divorce, the appearance of a younger brother or sister, or when family relationships deteriorate during adolescence.”

“My parents broke up when I was two years old,” says 27-year-old Oksana. – And when I grew up a little, I often asked my mother to tell me about how exactly she and her father decided that I should be born to them. It was as if I needed to feel that I was born with every right to be. By the way, I have always been annoyed by the vulgar word “fly in” … as if pregnancy is an accident.

However, by asking parents such questions, we run the risk of learning more about their intimate life than we would like. “When I found out at the age of eleven that between the birth of my older sister and my own mother had an abortion, I experienced a real shock,” recalls 39-year-old Inga. “After all, I could have been in the place of this unborn child … Why was I lucky, but he was not?” “Such children, having been born wanted, may feel guilty about living while their unborn sisters or brothers never saw the light of day,” says Simone Korff Sos. – This feeling of guilt is akin to what a person who has survived a disaster feels. In turn, becoming mothers, such women often plan much less, leaving nature to act first of all, and it is easier than their mothers to react to the upcoming pregnancy.

The desired child is the envy of all unwanted children, he has no right to complain or suffer. However, a difficult task sometimes falls on such a child: he is called upon to make up for something in the life of his parents, to satisfy the suffering of their pride. “I saw young women aged 37-38 who really wanted to give birth to a child, so as not to grow old alone and give their lives some meaning,” says Simone Korff Sos. – Some couples need a child to maintain an adequate relationship with siblings or with their own parents. Thus, their children become victims of a brother-sister Oedipal rivalry: their unspoken task is to take their place next to their cousins ​​​​and become the “best” grandchildren for grandparents, whose love their parents may have once lacked. “.

“By the age of 40, I suddenly discovered that I was still living with my mother,” says 47-year-old Marianna bitterly. – After the death of her father, she raised me alone: ​​she wanted to prove to her grandmother that she could handle everything that she could be a good mother. And she really was always with me very caring, loving, gave me an excellent education. Only once, when I confessed to her that I had met a man with whom I would like to live, she answered me bitterly: “But I thought that I had given birth to a friend.” I couldn’t leave her alone.”

Back to your desires

Difficulties in learning, reckless, risk-taking behavior are some children and adolescents who unconsciously try to rebel against excessive—and overly obliging—parental feelings. “So much love in the eyes of a father and mother – it both intoxicates and distorts ideas about the world,” says Anna Skavitina. – A child who openly shows his protest may be trying to free himself. But for parents who strive to be “good” in everything, it is often very difficult to set boundaries. Punishing the child, they are afraid of losing his love, despite the fact that, as the psychoanalyst recalls, “these outbursts of protest of the transitional period allow him to build and assert his personality. A child should not feel compelled to do his best just to please his parents. And their own mission is not just to please their child.”

The desired child, in whom so much has been invested, has a long way to go to return to the feeling of his own desires, to become the creator of his life. “He needs to learn to say yes to life again,” explains Simone Korff Sos. “When he was born, it means that his parents were ready to accept him, but it also means that he himself wanted it.” At one time, the largest French psychoanalyst Françoise Dolto (Françoise Dolto) said that for the birth of a child, the desire of three is necessary: ​​father, mother and the child himself.

It is often even more difficult for the only son or daughter in the family to free themselves from the burden of parental expectations. “The one who has brothers and sisters is not so closely connected with his parents: he has someone to share his opinion about them with, he can rely on the example of older ones,” says Anna Skavitina. Parents always have one task – to give their children the opportunity to get on their feet and go out into an independent life: their love should support, encourage, but not fetter the child. Even the most desirable children are born to one day leave their parental care, surprise their father and mother, become someone different from them. This life is given to them, and they are free to make of it what they want.