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Some women who could not find a man, a potential father of future children, go to extreme measures — they turn to a sperm bank. Such an act initially provides for the presence of only one parent. Psychotherapist Anastasia Belan tells how such a situation can affect the future life of the mother and child.
Let’s take a situation: a woman is forty years old, for some reason she did not start a family with a man. The biological clock is no longer ticking, but running. There is an idea to use the services of a sperm bank.
“The phrase “to give birth to yourself” is a trigger that frightens any psychotherapist. According to statistics, only five percent of women decide to take this step because of a healthy motivation to have children, says Anastasia Belan. — Without «if» and «as if», just to give life and that’s it. The rest of the series “it’s time, time is running out”, “to escape loneliness” — all this initially puts the child in a certain position “you must”. All sorts of neuroses and depressions originate from here, because a person is born not free. The education system is distorted: I don’t just love and give everything that I have for the benefit of the child’s development, but I expect and demand something from him.”
Most often, women close the wild fear of loneliness with a late child.
“To give birth for oneself” is a rather selfish attitude, a little material, because it devalues the personality of the future person. It’s not like buying a sofa or a new kitchen. Most often, women close the child’s wild fear of loneliness. They are afraid that they will not find a man, they hope that the child will compensate for everything.
“Maybe a little harsh, but I usually say that the planet is overpopulated, and there are fewer and fewer adequate people,” the expert says. — Do not give birth just to give birth, but only if you really want and need to share warmth. It is for this reason that you continue the race. If there is no such desire inside, then even at fifty you don’t have to take this step! Get a dog and realize yourself in other areas. The modern world allows this.”
only mother
It turns out that women who decide to give birth with the help of donors initially deprive the child of the father. Many can stand up for them, justifying this by the fact that there are many single mothers in Russia who do an excellent job with their duties. But it is one thing when the father exists somewhere, the child knows, at least from the photo, what he looks like, and the other is complete anonymity, no information.
“If the genetic material is healthy, then why not,” comments Anastasia Belan. “Here we need to understand something else. Of course, a child needs two parents to see different roles: a boy — how to be a man, a girl — what kind of man should be around. And if the father is adequate, the woman loves him, then everything is fine. If this is not the case, then there is nothing wrong with the absence of a specific figure in a certain period. The mother’s attitude towards the stronger sex is more terrible.
For example: if a woman hates men, then she broadcasts this to her child. As a result, the boy begins to hate his masculinity and, as an option, chooses a non-traditional sexual orientation. And the girl cannot find a mate, because, as a mother, she cannot stand “all men”. The injury continues.»
If a woman does not have any unconscious conflicts in the form of fear, anger at men, then her father can be replaced by a stepfather, grandfather, uncle, a good coach or a military school. Some system that forms the rules and laws is enough.
“Of course, it is important for a child to see that the mother loves someone else besides him,” adds Anastasia Belan. — Such a subtle moment: whom she loves, he wants to be like him. If she loves only a child, then he will remain a child.
Children who grew up in families of the same mother or mother and grandmother very often remain infantile. They do not know which of the adults to be like — there is no pattern.
Should you tell your child the truth?
How to explain the absence of a father over time? Come up with a vivid story about a pilot, astronaut or military man?
“A child is definitely obliged to know the history of his birth,” says Anastasia. He will unconsciously remember her. What about adoption, what about donation, the child must understand how he appeared. Every person has the right to honesty. And we need to talk about it: the sooner the better. For example, in the form of a game: there are different cages, one came to visit, and we decided to be friends with her, she stayed with us, I fed her, watered her, and a wonderful you appeared.
Real stories from the practice of a psychotherapist
“I had a client who wanted to give birth for herself. She came to me from a reproductologist, since the embryo did not take root in IVF, — Belan shares. “In the course of therapy, we found out that her deepest motivation in the child is to prove to the mother, who suppressed her, humiliated her, considered her strange and angular, that she is a full-fledged woman. The father loved his daughter very much, cherished and cherished. The client unconsciously did not build a family, because she did not have a harmonious family image. Once she was happy together with her father, so she decided that together with the child they would be better off. But the body is arranged in such a way that in an effort to prove something to someone, a person experiences aggression, which does not allow him to relax and accept the female path, including the child in the uterus.
The story ended well. The woman took a break, continued to sort out her life and met a man. They went to IVF together, the embryo was attached the first time and fully developed.”
Mother falls into the void — into loneliness, from which she fled for so many years
Most women who, in the race of life, did not have time to take a break and listen to themselves, come to psychologists already with the problems of adult children. Daughters and sons develop, find friends, then leave the family, move, meet love. The mother, on the other hand, finds herself in a void — in loneliness, from which she has been running for so many years. Only the age is different, a lot of missed moments. And youth is gone.
“One of these clients once said: “If I had known before that a child would not cure me and give me the meaning of life, I would have got a dog,” recalls family psychotherapist Anastasia Belan. “It may sound rude, but filling the void with someone and something is bound to backfire with an even greater void in the future.”