Suppose this happened: you and your friend or girlfriend, the person whom you have always found attractive in your heart, began to have sex without commitment from time to time. Of course, now it is no longer so customary to hang labels on relationships, but … is this really the same “friendship with privileges”?
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We all understand that such relationships are unpredictable and often fraught with problems – just like in the famous romantic comedy with Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake. But perhaps friendships can still be a good idea?
“Yes! says sexologist Holly Richmond. “Friendships that involve sex can be healthy and prosperous, but only if we are careful and prudent.”
For some people, this “friendship with sex” is even more suitable than a traditional monogamous couple, Richmond says. For example, if you don’t currently have the opportunity to have a serious relationship (for example, you constantly work overtime to get a promotion), then perhaps sex without commitment with well-defined boundaries is just what you need right now.
As with any relationship, communication is important. If the need to open up to your partner (in particular, to talk about your feelings) scares you, you may need to think about it. “Many of my clients had ‘friends with privileges’ and everyone was fine with it. But this is only possible if there is effective communication between friends and both want the same thing, ”explains Richmond.
First of all, it is important that everyone understands what the second partner wants from this relationship and what he himself is counting on. If one friend secretly hopes that over time the relationship will develop into something more serious, and the second does not plan for this, a problem arises.
Even if both friends are clear about their current expectations, they may change over time.
Richmond advises asking yourself a few questions: “Can we date other people?”, “Should we tell each other about our dates with someone else?”, “What about sex with other partners?”, “How how often do we have to talk at all – every day or less often?”, “Will we tell friends about our relationship?”.
Every “privileged” friendship is unique in some way. For some, everything is based on physical attraction, while for others, emotions are involved. That is why it is so important to establish principles for yourself that are appropriate for your situation and establish open and stable communication.
Unlike traditional relationships, in the case of “friends” you can discuss in advance when and under what conditions this relationship will end. It may seem strange, but Holly Richmond advises to discuss a possible ending in advance so that you do not have disagreements when it comes time to break up. Perhaps this will happen if one of you wants a serious relationship with someone else or one of you has too strong feelings.
In any case, the main sign that it is time to end this relationship is this: you realize that it no longer meets your needs. Perhaps you need more emotional support from your partner? Or do you need someone with whom you can “go out into the world” and who will be faithful to you? If so, it’s time for a serious conversation with a friend. To realize in time that it is time to end the “friendship with privileges” and openly say this requires emotional maturity.
Friendship sex isn’t always a bad idea. But, as most of us know either from our own experience or from numerous romantic comedies, such relationships are not easy. Even if both friends are clear about their current expectations, they may change over time. It is only natural that strong feelings for a partner may arise after physical intimacy. If this happens and you realize that you want something more than just friendship, you cannot be silent about it.