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No, some say: you can’t discount physical attraction. Of course, others are sure – those for whom relationships without ambiguity are important. What place does sexuality take in relations between friends of different sexes?
Are men and women friends? A hundred years ago it was hard to imagine. He and she lived in different worlds, not really knowing each other outside of a married couple. Then women started working, schools were co-ed, and everything changed. Our contemporaries marry and get married much later than their ancestors (or do not enter into an official marriage at all), and we devote more and more time and space in our lives to friendship.
“The need for friends is more acute than in previous generations, and there are more opportunities to maintain friendship, since a person without a partner has time for this,” writes Norwegian philosopher Helge Svare in his study. “For many of us, friends, not family, become the fulcrum in life.”
“Friendship between a man and a woman is now a matter of course,” psychoanalyst Serge Efez comments on the changes that have taken place. – Boys and girls from early childhood understand each other well, they are close emotionally, and it often happens that a boy becomes a “best friend”. But there is no question of sexual attraction. It is born from difference, while friendship is nourished by likeness.”
So in adult men and women in friendship, the similarity of characters and interests comes to the fore, and attraction is taken out of the brackets … although it does not disappear. “There is no eroticism in it,” the psychoanalyst continues, “and at the same time, friendship cannot arise if he and she do not feel attraction to each other.”
Tatyana and Ruslan: “We are looking in the same direction”
Tatyana, 44 years old, make-up artist: “I have been friends with boys since childhood. With them it is more interesting, more comfortable, more understandable. I also love men’s perfumes, I can dress like a teenager, I used to do wrestling, now I do boxing. Men do not depend on their mood and will always help to sort out difficult situations – what is important, what is secondary … We have been friends with Ruslan for 25 years. We’re only friends! When I feel bad, I call him, I go to him. For what? Calm down, cry… Play backgammon, talk about football. Laughing is a must. We know each other very well, we’ve been through so much together. We are literally looking in the same direction. A husband cannot become a friend to a woman in the full sense of the word: it is impossible to open up to the end with a partner, otherwise the secret, a mystery necessary for the relationship, will be lost. Why be a mystery to a friend? My husband is relatively calm about the fact that I am friends with Ruslan. But I understand how difficult it is for the wives of my friends to accept our relationship. When Ruslan had a serious relationship, his wife asked why he had my photo in a conspicuous place in his apartment. He replied that I was like a sister to him. Then she asked: where is the photograph of her sister? .. And she is right: it is not known how I would treat my husband’s childhood friend if he had one. Probably, this is not even jealousy and not a suspicion that we had or have something, just any woman will not want to share her man … “
Ruslan, 43 years old, manager: “When we met Tanya, we were 18 years old … We spent a lot of time together and were very close, but there could not be any intimate relationship between us – after all, Tanya married my friend. We are united by our youth, everything that was experienced together – both good and tragic … The death of my friend, who was her first husband, my injury – at the age of 22 my leg was amputated … But if there was a sexual connotation in our relationship, friendship would not would have lasted so long. We are good old and very reliable friends. Of course, it’s easier for me, I don’t have a family now, she has a husband, three children … Although, when I have a long-term relationship, my chosen ones don’t really like Tanya’s presence in my life. They do not understand, they are jealous, they suspect. Perhaps because it is difficult with Tanya, she is categorical, straightforward, she can say a lot in the eyes … I understand very well that such relationships as we have are rare. I like that I can tell her everything, ask for advice, see a situation through her eyes. Tanya is a wise person, thinks clearly, notices details. Always comes to the rescue … Of course, I cannot help but notice a woman in Tanya. She is bright and beautiful. And it has always been like that, I do not deny it. But I don’t even have the desire to transfer the relationship to another quality. She is a good, reliable friend for me, and I am grateful to her for what she is.
A friend is someone who knows us through and through, to whom we can open our soul without embellishment and without concealment. Friendship is easy to do without the secret that is necessary in order for sexual desire to arise.
“Wishing for another means feeling that his physical constitution has nothing to do with mine,” explains psychoanalyst and sexologist Catherine Blanc. This difference creates a gap between me and the other person, which I seek to fill with sexuality. But with a friend, everything happens differently: unconsciously, we strive to re-experience that tenderness, that closeness that we once experienced in relationships with parents, brothers and sisters. And we leave the field of sexuality so as not to provoke a situation of incest.”
A fine line
Many friends emphasize that they are united by fraternal, almost family relations. They say that there is no attraction in them, but in life everything is much more subtle and ambiguous.
So, in a friendly couple between a man and a woman, a kind of game of seduction often arises … Like the 38-year-old Arina with her friend Dmitry: “I like it when he notices a new haircut, praises my dress. Sometimes I tease him: “How strange – you and I know everything about each other, except how we make love!” And we play with this theme, knowing that this will never happen.
Such a situation enriches friendship and gives it a peculiar charm. After all, we need not only lovers to look at us with interest, we need to maintain our masculinity or femininity, and not only through sex.
In friendship there is a place for both flirting and coquetry, but there is an agreement – open or unspoken – about the boundaries that partners do not cross
“It’s like a reminder: I know that you are a beautiful woman (or you are an attractive man), says sexologist Irina Panyukova. “Gallance does not mean an invitation to bodily contact, but increases the self-esteem of the other, his self-confidence, improves mood and indirectly promotes harmonious relationships outside of the circle of friends.”
Masculinity and femininity are not mutually exclusive qualities, they are combined in different proportions in each of us, but they manifest themselves in communication with friends differently than with sexual partners.
“At some point, sexual attraction may arise between a man and a woman,” says psychologist Tatyana Voskresenskaya. “However, as adults, they are able to decide not to fulfill this desire with each other.”
“It is important to capture the features of different types of relationships,” Irina Panyukova clarifies, “and consciously control your behavior in accordance with them, take into account the interests of other people and predict the development of the situation…”.
These are the qualities that help us enjoy the gifts of friendship, and they are what our experts consider to be the hallmarks of a mature person.
“Colorful Friendship”
There is a special pleasure in exercising self-control, balancing on the edge of seduction without crossing this line. But this is a game for experienced tightrope walkers. A bright event, strong emotions or accumulated fatigue can upset the balance. And some indulge in what the Brazilians call “colorful friendship.”
Friendships are episodic in nature, so friends have their own interests and can be friends with different people.
One fine day (or dreary evening) they throw themselves into each other’s arms. 39-year-old cellist Victoria and pianist Nikolai were friends until the evening when they held a charity concert together.
“We were very worried,” says Victoria. – Nikolai acted as an organizer, entertainer and accompanist all rolled into one. And for me it was the first solo concert in my life. We played in one breath, and it seemed that every moment we felt each other. When after a minute of silence there was an explosion of applause, we were absolutely happy. Tonight we became lovers. But something has changed in our friendship, and now I am very afraid of losing it.
Victoria’s fears are not in vain. The sexuality of lovers has a different nature. Friendship is about erotic play without consequences. When sex intervenes, the relationship itself changes.
Helge Svare explains: “Friendships are episodic in nature, which is why friends have their own interests and can be friends with different people. Friends don’t need to be together all the time. Friendship endures distance. But two lovers want to be together every moment, wanting to almost merge together.
Ksenia and Pavel: “We value our closeness too much”
Ksenia, 22 years old, journalist: “I got to know him for a long time, and Pasha turned out to be hundreds of times better than I thought at the beginning. We spend a lot of time together: we go to clubs, walk the streets, talk on the phone all night long, drink, joke, miss each other, feel sorry for each other. And we can just be silent together, be at home (at his or at my place) and go about our business. We even sometimes speak the same phrases! Pasha is always there when I really need it. I remember how he rushed to pull the tick out of me, because I was crying in horror. And when I broke my finger, he spent the whole night with me in the hospital. Our friendship is self sufficient. We cherish our intimacy so much that we simply cannot destroy it with a sexual connection. I love to tell Pasha about my successes, because I know that he will definitely be happy for me, without eternal female envy. And I often think: but Pasha would understand … Now I say this and understand: how lucky I am to find a true friend!
Pavel, 33 years old, photo editor: “I think the first time we met was at a party. But they really became friends only when they started working together. At that time, each of us already had our own novels, so from the first minutes we realized that we wanted to be just friends. We just didn’t need a sexual relationship, so there was nothing to stop us from communicating. Our friendship has developed from common interests and views, some kind of common perception of reality, a view of life. Ksyusha is a very wise girl. She supports me in situations in which it is simply impossible to rely on male friends. And she also has an absolutely amazing sense of humor, which many men cannot boast of. And at the same time, she knows how to think constructively … How can you want more from a friend?
It can also happen that friendship develops into love even before sexual relations. “But I don’t believe that you can slowly slide towards each other, like in Hollywood melodramas,” notes Serge Efez. “Usually there is some kind of difficult event — the death of loved ones, a divorce — and as a result of the shock, everyone can change their role, take a fresh look at their friend – this time with loving eyes.”
Catherine Blanc, in turn, believes that one little thing is enough to play the role of a detonator: “At a certain moment, an ordinary caress, a gentle word, launches something in our minds that activates the mechanism of sexuality. But the opposite effect is also possible – some kind of posture, a thought can destroy any thought about sex, because they will remind us of a mother, father, sister … “
There are a thousand reasons why the pendulum can swing from love to friendship and from friendship to love…
dangerous proximity
In the friendship of men and women, the boundaries are more fluid than in the friendship of friends of the same sex. And when they shift, a third character enters the scene – the spouse. After all, friendship between a free man and a woman who can satisfy their desires by engaging in sexual relations is not at all the same as between a married woman and a married man.
“I forbid myself to communicate with male friends, because I could not stand it if Denis had female friends,” 33-year-old Elena honestly admits.
But 45-year-old Vera agrees to her husband’s friendship with women, although this is not easy for her: “Andrey works in a women’s team, so he has many girlfriends. It would be ridiculous to blame him for this. I am sure that they do not have sex, and yet such friendship does not please me, ”she says.
Those who are accustomed to seeing in a person of the opposite sex primarily a sexual object are distrustful of mixed friendship.
Serge Efez believes that we do not trust mixed friendship, not because we are afraid of being deceived, but because we are unconsciously jealous of spiritual intimacy, openness with another person. We know that our worst sides are clearly visible in marriage, we know how difficult it is to maintain mutual understanding every day. And in a friend, everyone sees his best side – a person with whom it is always easy, pleasant and fun.
Laura, 44, recalls being struck by the words of a 60-year-old man who declared during their first (and last) dinner: “A man and a woman cannot be friends.”
“Behind the desire to be someone exceptional for your partner, past grievances and disappointments are often hidden: rivalry with brothers or sisters, the fear of being an unloved child,” notes psychologist Tatyana Voskresenskaya. – These experiences (even if they are expressed in the words “never” and “always”) do not allow you to feel free. In addition, those who are accustomed to seeing a person of the opposite sex as primarily a sexual object are distrustful of mixed friendship. Even the thought of friendship with him seems to them something like a betrayal.
Sexual attraction attracts and scares at the same time. Some prefer to avoid provocative situations. Others claim that in their relationship to a friend there is no desire: they refuse to see in their friend a man or a woman. And this is an important sign that sexuality occupies a potentially dangerous place in their relationship.
“Between these two positions, there is another, more balanced one: when we recognize the sexual differences between us and the energy that they awaken, but we express it not in sex, but in mutual understanding, in intellectual communication,” concludes Irina Panyukova. This is a real wealth, which it would be a pity to refuse.