Is flirting on the side so innocent, which, as is often assumed, only warms up the relationship? Where does emotional infidelity begin and how does it affect our union? Experts talk about it.
If for various reasons we do not feel as good in a relationship as before, then we inevitably move away from a partner. Perhaps we spend less time with him and already look at others with great interest.
Sometimes we think that light flirting is designed to revive the union, even if everything is fine in a couple, but the partners have been together for a long time, and much has begun to be perceived as a routine. People, starting a seemingly innocent game on the side, do not at all consider this a betrayal, because there are no intimate contacts between them and the “third” that has arisen.
However, a study by American psychologists David Frederick (Chapman University) and Melissa Fails (University of California) shows that we perceive the emotional infidelity of a loved one as painfully as physical. And we also consider ourselves a deceived party.
As part of the experiment, men and women, regardless of the length of their relationship, were asked what would upset them more, and offered two options to choose from.
- In the first, their partner was supposed to have sexual relations on the side, but he was not in love.
- In the second, the partner is in love with another or another, but abstains and does not allow physical intimacy.
Men were almost evenly divided: 53% would be more disappointed with their partner’s sexual infidelity, even if it was a passing fad.
Women would react more painfully to the emotional involvement of a partner — 63% would prefer physical betrayal, rather than emotional.
What is behind emotional infidelity?
Determining this isn’t always easy, but there are questions you can ask yourself, says coach Chris Armstrong. Here they are:
- How would your partner react if they caught you flirting with another person right now?
- Do you treat him the way you would like to be treated?
- Do you feel that an emotional connection has been lost between you, and are you looking for it on the side?
Armstrong believes that if you do not talk directly with your partner about your feelings and only try to find new emotions behind his back, you are betraying him. A loved one cannot but feel your cooling, and you doom him to loneliness and pain, giving your attention and emotional strength to another.
“If you are married or in a close relationship and did not agree on an open union from the very beginning, then you can expect that the partner remains physically and emotionally faithful to you. But we must understand that he is set up for this. The one thing you’re already wondering is, «Can I afford it?» — usually shows that something is shaken in the relationship, ”says Armstrong.
He believes that it is more important to be open with those with whom you share a common past. And an attempt to escape from the problem into a romantic story, even if it is completely platonic, is a sign that a loved one cannot rely on us.
Gestalt therapist Daria Petrovskaya says that initial agreements between partners are of great importance. Nor can we foresee how our feelings will develop.
“We are polygamous by nature. And if everything is in order with our libido, then at least we notice potentially interesting partners around us, she says. “To get closer to them further physically, emotionally, or both, is already our choice.”
Can flirting keep and revitalize a relationship?
Each partner has their own needs. But there are also needs of the couple. For example, one lacks physical intimacy and sex, while another is more important to immerse himself in work as much as possible, because he has a difficult life period.
The needs of two may not coincide, and then there is a conflict. But at the same time, the couple is connected by something more than just comfort: common goals, plans, feelings. In this case, the partners will strive to maintain the relationship. And then the question arises — what to do with the accumulated deficit of sexual intimacy in one and the impossibility for one reason or another to satisfy it in another?
At this point, “new elements” may appear in the family system — other men or women who act as an outlet.
Is emotional attraction considered betrayal?
“I won’t undertake to call it a betrayal, since this word is filled with personal meaning and experiences for everyone,” says Gestalt therapist Daria Petrovskaya. But it’s worth trying to see the whole picture. Cheating or attraction to another person can really appear in order to save the relationship. At the same time, no one wants to leave anyone, but there is a fact of “leakage” of proximity. The only way out is to talk to each other as openly and honestly as possible.”
Usually these conversations are unpleasant, full of emotional intensity, and it is advisable to conduct them in the presence of a family psychologist.
Is it possible to find a solution within a couple?
“Finding compromises and different options for intimacy, and sometimes revisiting the original agreements about fidelity, are the tasks of couples who have the potential to grow and develop together for many years,” says the psychologist. “In this case, there is an opportunity to overcome the difficulties that have arisen and strengthen the closeness between the two.”
Can flirting be used to «warm up» a relationship?
“For some, it causes excitement to see how other men look at his woman, but for some it is a completely unpleasant experience. It suits some women when a lot of attention is paid to them, but for some it scares and even annoys, the expert believes. We are all very different. Cooling feelings in a couple is a symptom. This means that the desires of one or both cannot be satisfied at once, or even heard.
If even after conversations and a possible revision of the initial agreements, the partners continue not to hear each other, that is, hobbies reappear and rapprochement does not occur, then we can talk about the impossibility of the future of these relations.