“Is everything like everyone else?”: why is it so difficult to recognize abuse

It’s hard to talk about abuse. The mention that many of us have been personally affected by this causes a protest: “I have everything like everyone else.” Psychologist Anzhela Konstantinova believes that sometimes even the very use of the word “abuse” is an attempt, with the help of a foreign word, to be more tolerant of what cannot be put up with – violence.

It frightens us, we resort to denial: “Violence? It happens somewhere, not here, not with me. It’s the others who hit the kids, but I just spank.” But violence settles in our minds, poisoning everyday relationships with loved ones, taking away health. How do you find the courage to face the truth?

Fear and awe

It seems that our life is no different from the life of others. Sometimes we fail to realize that the relationships that we became part of as children, or those that we participated in creating, are destructive. But if not consciousness, then the body will give a distress signal.

“I had stomach pains, restless sleep and chronic fatigue. Addressed to the gastroenterologist and the neurologist. They recommended going to a psychologist. I didn’t understand why, because I didn’t see any problems in myself,” says 35-year-old Marina. “The psychologist asked me about the relationship with my parents and husband, three years have passed since the wedding with him.”

It seemed to Marina that there was nothing special in her relationship. Just affectionate and caring before her husband gradually became gloomy, jealous and irritable. His reactions were not unreasonable, on the contrary, there were many reasons: “too bright makeup”, “wasting time on empty chatter on the phone”, “for the money that you are paid, it’s easier to sit at home.”

Marina tried to understand and correct what she was doing wrong. “Doubts about one’s own worth are found in every victim of domestic violence,” explains psychologist Olga Vikhareva, “and they are accompanied not only by insecurity, resentment and dependence on the opinions of others, but also by guilt.” Therefore, the insults and outbursts of anger that the husband allowed himself seemed natural.

“When he started screaming, I was seized by a chilling horror. Periods of anger were replaced by grace in the form of calm evenings, when my husband simply did not notice me, and sometimes there was reconciliation with a promise to improve, ”continues Marina. Her social circle rapidly narrowed until it was limited to her family. That’s when the health problems started.

In the course of psychotherapy, it turned out that since childhood, Marina had a distorted idea of ​​how family life works. The parental family was dominated by a patriarchal way of life.

The father controlled everything, controlled his wife and children with the help of force and devaluation of any of their actions and achievements. “Children’s experience influences the idea of ​​the “norm” and explains the habit of tolerance developed under the influence of fear and shame,” emphasizes Olga Vikhareva.

The psychologist helped Marina understand that things can be different. She began to learn to recognize the violation of personal boundaries and defend them, to feel her value. Then a divorce followed, health problems stopped. The fear of being alone was replaced by sadness, which has yet to be worked out in psychotherapy.

“An important result here is the realization that one’s own well-being is always a personal responsibility,” comments Olga Vikhareva. We are responsible for ourselves. This thought, so obvious to most of us, seems strange to victims of abuse.

detect danger

One of the consequences of a long stay in a relationship of violence is the doubt of the victim in his own strength, and even in the right to dispose of his life. Even after leaving one rapist, they often seek salvation from another.

“A child who grew up in a family with pathological processes of codependency often has intrapersonal conflicts. In my practice, this is especially evident in clients with panic attacks: many of them were subjected to some type of violence in childhood, says Anzhela Konstantinova. “And violence is not only physical, but also psychological.” To one degree or another, almost every one of us is familiar with it: “until you eat all the porridge, you won’t leave the table.”

Only by realizing that this is an abuse of power, and not an act of love at all, can we stop repeating this behavior with our children. Abuse has many faces: blackmail, threats, manipulation, gaslighting, social isolation, economic violence, that is, deprivation of financial freedom, embezzlement of wages, a ban on independent earnings.

“Neglecting, that is, neglect, creating situations that are dangerous to health and life, for example, risky driving, is also one of the types of abuse,” recalls clinical psychologist Alexandra Yaurova.

The witness of violence, even if he is not in physical danger himself, experiences a shock trauma. “As a child, I was not beaten, but I watched my father beat my mother,” recalls 30-year-old Victoria, who turned to a psychologist about panic attacks. “He was often irritated after drinking and wanted to sit in silence, and he made us walk on tiptoe.”

Survivors of violence often do not understand what exactly they feel, they only realize that something is wrong. In this case, the help of a specialist is needed. “He will look at the situation from the outside, help find resources for making decisions and actions,” explains Alexandra Yaurova, “and will not let you make a mistake, because the advice of friends or your own speculation often keeps us in the so-called circle of violence that occurs in relations between the abuser and his victim.”

We are talking about the fact that the perpetrator can repent and empathize with the victim, their relationship improves up to the “new honeymoon” in a couple²until everything repeats.

Cruelty indicator

“In relations with young people, I react sharply to any harshness, I can’t stand it,” says 27-year-old Elizaveta. – I feel the partner’s incontinence and breakdowns, for example, when he accuses me: “I overslept because you yourself didn’t get up earlier.”

Although a couple of times it happened that I endured for a long time and thought that this was because we live in a small apartment and do not have enough personal space, “he has a difficult period at work”, “he just worries about his mother.” But this is reproduced both under comfortable conditions at work and in a good apartment … As a result, I, for my part, show excessive caution.

Elizabeth turned to a psychotherapist, and then to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed her with clinical depression. “I recently found my diaries of my school years, and every fifth page says: “how I want to die, how I want to leave my parents.”

I have a cruel father, but now I provide for myself, I see my parents at a minimum. I hope that when I become a mother, my child will be the happiest and will never know what depression is, ”she says.

“Elizaveta herself left home, but she could have been“ saved ”by a certain man and become co-dependent on another abuser,” notes Alexandra Yaurova.

Violence is not only a problem of individuals, which they themselves and psychologists must deal with. This is a question of how intolerant society is to the phenomenon itself, whether others can protect and support the victim, and not condemn for weakness.

Any of us is able to show attention to those who spoke about their trouble, and to those who are not yet ready to speak, but read and listen, looking for a way out.

¹ anna-center.ru

² The concept of the “circle of violence” was developed by the American researcher and psychologist Lenore Walker, who described it in her book The Battered Woman (1979).