Is empathy helpful or harmful?

Our grandmothers cried over Indian films, over the twins Zita and Gita separated in childhood. But our eyes are sometimes moistened when watching a romantic comedy. We are touched by cats, upset by (almost) harmless remarks, we flinch when someone slams the door.

We also worry that others will not be “triggered” when the conversation turns to topics that are supposed to be painful for someone: we are sensitive to the sensitivity of others. But if there is someone “bulletproof” nearby, in comparison with him, we seem to ourselves somehow too vulnerable. Why are we like this?

In the midst of an aggressive world

“Why are you upset over trifles?” – such words are often said to each other by close people. But what is trifling for one is painful for another. A negative reaction to someone’s hypersensitivity is a legacy of the past.

At the beginning of the last century, Russian psychiatrist Pyotr Gannushkin described hypersensitivity inherent in some types of characters, which manifests itself in intolerance to sensory stimuli (smell, noise, light) and leads to communication difficulties, anxiety and depression.

At that time, psychiatrists believed that excessively strong sensations and heightened reactions accompany neuroses and personality disorders. But what is considered excessive?

“Increased sensitivity can really interfere and be painful, but in itself it is not a disease, but a character trait that is often combined with observation, altruism and creativity,” notes a psychotherapist, group analyst, director of the Here and Now Psychological Center and the Supervision Institute and Group Therapy Elena Shuvarikova. “If we are deprived of emotions, then problems with an objective perception of reality will begin.”

In the mid-1990s, American psychotherapist Elaine Eyron published the bestseller The Hypersensitive Person: How to Succeed in a Mad World, which dealt with highly sensitive individuals who always live with their nerves bare. They are more receptive than most of those around them. Today it is generally accepted that in this way they express their anxiety towards the ever-growing aggression of the outside world with its machines, screens and robots.

Psychic sensitivity is often accompanied by extreme sensitivity of body, skin, hearing, vision, and digestion.

Almost everyone among the acquaintances will find those who do not tolerate gluten and lactose, are allergic to citrus fruits, chocolate, peanuts … This list is expanding every year.

And since we have Wi-Fi on all floors, there have been a lot of people with “electrosensitivity”, claiming that electromagnetic fields cause them migraines, tinnitus, convulsions and insomnia. Despite the fact that modern science does not confirm the connection of these symptoms with electromagnetic fields, there are few or almost no psychiatrists who would mistake such people for supposedly sick or crazy.

To survive

And yet, those who are too timid or shy, and those who do not like publicity, are characterized by increased irritability, fall into stress for any reason, are restless, have a choleric temperament and cannot control themselves, blush at the slightest excitement – they all suffer from this.

“My partner laughs at me,” complains 32-year-old Svetlana, “because I even cry over cartoons!” Life in society requires the ability to control your emotions. Unforeseen reactions are not welcome here. And even if women are reproached for sentimentality, it is even more difficult for men. “When the boss raises his voice, my hands begin to tremble, even if he is not angry with me,” says Dmitry, a 26-year-old financial analyst. “In addition, I am afraid that colleagues will notice this, because this is not courageous.”

But we do not choose with what receptivity to be born. We inherit the type of nervous system that determines the speed of the processes of excitation and inhibition

In prehistoric times, those members of the tribe who had a low threshold of excitability helped the entire community survive: they were the first to notice danger and give a signal. But in our more peaceful time, the value of strong reactions is not obvious. And although hypersensitivity is treated with respect, in reality it is far from always being given its due.

“The tears that come out of us are a genetically inherent response to stress, trauma,” explains Elena Shuvarikova, “this reaction has been preserved in neurostructures. The more traumatic the events in the lives of our ancestors, the more developed our emotional intelligence. Only those who are sensitive themselves can understand the problems of others. If the XNUMXth century extolled reason, rationality, cognitive functions, then at the beginning of the XNUMXst century they started talking about emotional intelligence. About how we make decisions based on emotional intelligence, which means being sensitive to ourselves and what others are experiencing.”

Not only think

One thing is certain: extreme sensitivity is more of an advantage when it comes to an artist, a poet, or a thinker. Kant saw in it an excellent opportunity to absorb the world. With the help of the smell of madeleine cookies, which awakened memories and imagination, Marcel Proust went in search of “lost time” – the time of his childhood and youth.

And if earlier many dreamed of getting rid of “extra” feelings, limiting themselves to rational reason, today it has become clear that one not only does not exist without the other, but also works with it in the closest connection. We treat feelings the same way we treat thoughts.

“We can think clearly only if we feel harmoniously,” emphasizes Elena Shuvarikova, “we don’t fall into anxiety, but we have such a level of anxiety that it pushes us, forces us to think. In the same way, if we are in nirvana, harmony, the thought does not go. Only a non-zero level of emotional background allows cognitive abilities to develop.”

Connecting with yourself and others

Some time ago, one of the users of Yandex Zen wrote a text stating that Agnia Barto’s poem about the fact that “the hostess left the bunny, the bunny was left in the rain”, there is no need to read to children, or at least there is no need to worry about it, after all, a bunny is just a toy sewn from fabric. And if it gets wet in the rain, then it’s just a wet rag. Many readers objected: after all, with the help of imagination, a child learns to empathize with another and understand himself. Sensitivity is the ability to connect with your feelings.

“While experiencing, we enter into a relationship, relationships with others, distant and close, with objects within ourselves, and without this our humanity would not exist,” emphasizes Elena Shuvarikova. – To feel the meaning, the value of life, you need to cry over the Snow Maiden and the Sleeping Princess. When we allow ourselves to feel sadness while reading a book or watching a movie, on a symbolic level, we complete the need to remember someone, to feel sorry for ourselves and others. And if we satisfy it, then we calm down and can move on to another need.

As funny as some of us may find our love for Indian films and sentimental dramas, there is an emotional sense to it.

Like other naive arts, they allow you to penetrate the experience, bypassing the barriers of the critical mind, the therapist explains: “Due to naivety, they help to go through the conventions directly to the experience, and we get into our hidden feelings that we were protecting ourselves from.” This is how catharsis happens.

After all, the plot of such naive works is archetypal: parting, unexpected meetings. Often we are talking about childhood traumas: the child was stolen, separated from loved ones. “Everyone has experienced this to one degree or another, we defend ourselves from these feelings, it is difficult for us to experience them directly, but we suddenly find ourselves in a similar story and meet with what we are protecting ourselves from. But in defending ourselves, we give up part of ourselves. And catharsis helps to reconnect with split feelings,” explains Elena Shuvarikova.

We reconnect with our feelings and can live more whole, not be afraid of death, which always exists in the background, moves away or approaches us. And when we understand our feelings, it helps to connect with others and not run away from their feelings, even when they are difficult. We get the opportunity to be compassionate.

Who can be weak

We are all born extremely receptive: in the first months of life, we have a lot of neural connections. But our attitude to our own emotions is influenced by the reactions of the environment. “How these emotions are met, how they are regarded or neglected, depends on how easy it will be for us to adapt to unforeseen circumstances,” notes Elena Shuvarikova.

Everyone has a tolerance threshold, exceeding which leads to functional failure. Difficult life ups and downs (marriage, divorce, moving, job change…) that disrupt the usual rhythm of existence can cause temporary hypersensitivity, the inability to endure anything. Thus, sensitivity does not remain constant throughout life.

Everyone is familiar with the heightened susceptibility of adolescents, sometimes turning into resentment. A similar phenomenon can be seen in the elderly

“Old people feel strongly,” notes Elena Shuvarikova, “and this prevents them from seeing the rational side of events, they become anxious, especially if the external situation is really acute. It happens that our elderly relatives cannot cope with overexcitation. Their braking mechanisms really work worse, and our task is to take care of them without interrupting or ridiculing them. Children and the elderly have physiologically determined difficulties with the inhibition of nerve impulses, and it is relatives and professionals who help to do this work – to immerse yourself in feelings and calm down, both are very important.

Sensitivity varies by gender. The traditional view ascribes reason to men, emotionality to women. Although the image of a crying man is less and less surprising. Nietzsche burst into tears during the journey at the sight of a horse that fell to the ground under the blows of a whip. His sensitivity so annoyed him that in his dreams he saw himself as an unshakable warrior.

Moreover, the so-called stronger sex is the most vulnerable to physical pain, according to a Canadian study.¹. In men, the pain is remembered longer, so they suffer from it even before it occurs, unless they dare to let their emotions out. Women suffer less from the ban on appearing weak. But the point is not in sensitivity as such, but in how much we can manage our manifestations.

^{1. Current Biology, January 2019.}