Today you can live on different continents and build relationships: in the era of video chats, only the screen separates us from each other. In extreme cases – a few hours of air travel. But will feelings survive physical separation?
“Edward and I met at an international exhibition in Austria. I represented our company, and he flew in from Germany as an investor,” says 34-year-old Irina. We talked about business. But at the end of the day he found me and offered to have dinner. Since then we have been together. I studied all flights from Moscow to Frankfurt am Main. He is in Russia. More often we meet on neutral territory when we fly on business trips, or spend the weekend together. We are both successful specialists and were not ready to change our place of residence. But now we understand that this cannot continue like this: we are sorely lacking those days that we see each other. And parting became more painful.
Borders are blurred, the world fits in a smartphone. And the situation when one lives in Yekaterinburg, and the other in Kaliningrad or Brussels, has ceased to seem exotic. Modern means of communication allow partners to hear and see each other at any moment. And high-speed trains and planes make it possible to meet, if not every weekend, then once a month.
In foreign psychology, a special term has already appeared – long-distance relationships (LDR: relationships at a distance).
Eternal honeymoon
Despite the obvious trend towards an increase in the number of such unions, society does not believe in the possibility of any long-term love at a distance. Especially in its usefulness. And how to fall asleep in an embrace every night? How about going to the countryside together? What about shopping at the supermarket? Not to mention children – it’s definitely worthless to bring them up without the personal presence of one of the parents!
56,6% of those surveyed by Psychology Today magazine consider long-distance relationships less happy and strong than regular ones. However, research results show otherwise. So, a group of American psychologists conducted a survey in which 1142 men and women over 20 years old took part – they were in both regular and distant relationships – and it turned out that there are no fundamental differences in these two models.
In terms of intimacy, emotional involvement, quality of communication, and even the level of sexual satisfaction, couples living under the same roof did not surpass those who love at a distance.
If we want our rose-colored glasses not to shatter, it’s better not to delay the moment of getting to know everyday life.
What’s more, those who were in long-distance relationships were often even more satisfied! Psychologists explain this by the fact that a certain degree of idealization is inherent in love at a distance. “By and large, such a relationship is a prolonged honeymoon, when two people do not know each other very well and attribute to the other those qualities that they would like to see in an ideal partner,” explains Marina Yalova, a gestalt therapist. “And it can go on as long as a long-distance romance lasts. But therein lies the main danger.
Sooner or later, people who are accustomed to meeting as tourists, in hotels or any other environment far from real daily life with its worries, troubles and problems, decide that it is time for them to live together. They come together and find themselves completely unprepared for the prose of life. To the same routine that couples who live together or next to each other somehow get used to coping with.
Therefore, if we want our rose-colored glasses not to be shattered after the first check by everyday life, it is better not to delay the moment of getting to know everyday life: it is worth inviting a partner to yourself and showing not only the facade.
Joy of surprises
“We’ve known each other since high school, but haven’t seen each other for years. Then they accidentally found each other on Facebook. I lived in my hometown, Perm, he moved to St. Petersburg. It turned out we were both divorced. Vadim wrote that he would soon come to visit his parents, we agreed to meet. It all started with her,” recalls 38-year-old Nadezhda. We realized that we wanted to be together.
We were not afraid of the distance, on the contrary, it warmed up the relationship and made us surprise each other. I still remember how he met me at the airport with a bunch of colorful balloons, each of which had a letter, and together it turned out “I love you!”. And I sent him a postcard with my kisses. And what can compare with rough sex after a pause?
The need for emotional connection is in our genes. “Proximity and affection are our basic needs,” emphasizes Marina Yalova. – We are emotionally dependent on a partner no less than a child from a parent. We are also waiting for comfort, protection and care. Attachment in adulthood may need less physical contact, but the nature of the emotional connection is no different. In the XNUMXst century, relationships have become a major aspect of our emotional lives.”
Distance gives many moments that are impossible to experience in close proximity.
Many believe that the forced distance will eventually destroy the relationship, because for someone to walk hand in hand and kiss when meeting at home is vital.
“Not everything is measured by physical intimacy,” comments Marina Yalova. – If the union is not destined to withstand the first difficulties – in reality or virtuality – it will fall apart anyway. When a significant other is emotionally unavailable, we are cold, sad, and lonely, even if we physically touch with our sleeves. If a relationship can be a safe haven in life’s turbulent ocean, providing the protection and support everyone needs to get through the inevitable ups and downs, then it probably doesn’t matter how many miles apart we are.
But the distance gives many moments that are impossible to experience in close proximity: the joy of meeting after a long separation and pleasant surprises. The closer we are geographically, the easier it is for us to recognize each other and get used to it faster. The distance keeps us in good shape: we get to know each other in a dosed manner, while maintaining a sincere interest.
For those who trust
But long-distance relationships are unlikely to suit anxious natures and those who are used to dissolving in their beloved. This model is more likely for those who know how to trust and do not torment themselves with jealousy, and their partner with constant calls, the psychologist believes.
“The developed rules of the game contribute to greater trust. For example, call up at a certain time of the day or week. If you have a meeting scheduled, try not to let it fall apart: changing plans too often makes the partner wonder if he is important, and if he is needed at all. But if this happened, make it clear to the other that he is dear to you and you are upset no less than him.
At the end of the day, be sure to confess your love to each other – by voice on the phone or a message in the messenger
Relationships are dialogue, whether it’s face-to-face or through a screen. “When a distance separates you, the ability to listen and feel a partner in voice, intonation, facial expression is especially valuable, especially for a couple planning a common future,” explains Marina Yalova. – Relationships are stronger in couples who speak openly not only about feelings, but about everything, do not leave understatement until better times, and also talk about their daily affairs, meetings, friends and relatives. This creates a presence effect for the partner and enhances trust, because you let him into your reality, where there is a place for you and your couple.
And at the end of the day, be sure to confess your love to each other – by voice on the phone or a message in the messenger with a bunch of cute emoticons. Let these few precious warm words complete each evening. Because the next morning will give a new day together, despite the distance.
For a long distance
Do you believe in yourself and your partner and want to keep love in spite of distances? You may find the advice given by clinical psychologist Ben Michaelis helpful.
1. Turn on fully. Your long-distance relationship should become more important to you than most social connections. Alas, it is not easy to stay at home waiting for a Skype date when friends and girlfriends go to the cinema or a nightclub. But this is a necessary condition. In addition, brief meetings are often not enough to really get to know each other deeply, and one should not neglect any chance to communicate.
2. Don’t lock yourself into each other. When we finally have a loved one, the temptation is great to chat with him on the phone or in a messenger for hours, or in rare moments of intimacy to lock ourselves in a hotel for all the allotted time – and let the whole world wait. But this is a mistake.
Use the meeting time to introduce your partner to your family and friends – or to get to know his (her) loved ones. We are all determined to a large extent by our circle of friends. And if these circles for partners remain a mystery behind seven seals, then there is no need to talk about serious and reliable relationships.
3. Plan for the future. No matter how far apart you are and no matter how long distance relationships last, they cannot and should not last forever. They should be considered temporary. And plan for the future that will come when, finally, it will not be necessary to travel hundreds of kilometers to meet. This gives the relationship a perspective and an incentive to develop.