On average, each of us complains — about life, people, circumstances, about ourselves — up to 15-30 times a day. But most of the time we don’t even notice it. What causes this habit and how to get rid of it?
Sophia is always complaining about everything from politics to the assortment of the supermarket — and her husband can’t take it anymore. “I express dissatisfaction because something upset me, he gets annoyed in response, I get even more upset, we quarrel … and so on in a circle,” she tells the family therapist.
The constant expression of displeasure not only disturbs the peace in the family, but also threatens the health of the lover to complain. A study at Stanford University showed that endless complaining leads to a decrease in the size of the hippocampus, an area of the brain largely responsible for decision making and memory. By the way, Alzheimer’s disease also reduces the volume of the hippocampus.
When we complain, our cortisol levels rise, followed by high blood pressure and blood sugar levels. In the long term, this can lead to heart disease and diabetes.
Complaint complaint is different. It can be useful, constructive and further strengthen the bond between partners
As for the short-term and obvious effect, constant complaining corrodes relationships between partners, even quite prosperous in everything else, says Gwendolyn Seidman, assistant professor of psychology at Albright College (Pennsylvania, USA). “Complaints can be very annoying for the person who has to listen to them, especially if the person complaining does not do anything to resolve the problem and does not take help or advice from a partner,” she explains.
The psychologist recalls that negative events always leave a stronger impression than positive ones. “To put it bluntly, losing $20 feels more emotional than winning $20,” she says. This is true for couples as well. Studies show that it takes at least five positive events to compensate for one unpleasant episode (for example, hurtful words or criticism).
Any negativity saps energy and drains us, adds Susan Heitler, a practicing psychologist in Denver and author of The Power of Two. Besides, the habit of complaining is contagious. If one of the partners is prone to this, then with a high probability the second one will also begin to grumble sooner or later, Heitler argues.
If you try to offer to look at the situation in a positive way, this can lead to conflict: it seems to the partner that he is not heard and not supported. How then to react? The best option, according to Heitler, is to stick to the formula “Yes … and at the same time …” This is how you show that you hear your partner, and at the same time offer an alternative way of looking at things.
It would seem that from all that has been said it follows that in family life it is better to avoid any complaints at all. But this is not so: complaint is different. It can be helpful, constructive, and further strengthen the bond between partners, says family therapist Adam Smithy.
When we learn to track negative thoughts and refuse them, long-awaited changes come into our lives.
For example, when you’re beside yourself with your boss’s behavior, it’s very encouraging to think that you can share your feelings with your partner. In the same way, it is a relief to be able to exchange feelings with a loved one about disturbing political news. “Few things are as important in a relationship as the confidence that the partner is always ready to console us and come to the rescue, that we can trust him,” notes Smithy.
Of course, this is also true for relationships with other family members. Anna constantly complained about life, until one day her eight-year-old son said that he could no longer hear how she laments for any reason. These words startled her. “I told myself enough is enough,” she recalls two years later. “I had to learn to be more cheerful and positive. Do not pretend that I have become different, but really change. And it improved our relationship with my son. Now I can inspire him.”
You can stop the flow of complaints if you look for a solution to the problem every time, the author of the bestseller “A World Without Complaints,” priest Will Bowen, is sure. “We need to learn how to discuss the problem directly with the person on whom the decision depends, and to do it kindly and tactfully,” he writes. In some cases, the decision depends on ourselves.
“For example, if the boss is always late for meetings, while demanding that employees arrive on time, we can take a laptop to meetings and work, and not waste time waiting for the boss.”
Complaining dozens of times a day, people only “let off steam” without trying to solve their problems. Bowen encourages us to completely get rid of the habit of whining. A few years ago, he suggested an effective way to increase self-control: wear a purple bracelet that you need to put on the other hand, catching yourself whining. The goal is to survive 21 days. As it turned out, it was very difficult to cope with it at first.
“For the first week, you will hang the bracelet 10-20 times daily. In a month, it will be held on the arm for a day or two, the further, the longer, he writes. — Many people think that they do not complain at all and that they are definitely positive thinkers. But this is only until they themselves begin to wear a bracelet!
Bowen himself managed to «walk the distance» only after three months. Most people need about five to achieve the result. The method has gained a lot of followers: about 180 million purple bracelets have been sold in more than 11 countries. And all because when we learn to track negative thoughts and consciously refuse them, long-awaited positive changes come into our lives. At least that’s what Will Bowen promises.