“We broke up, but remained friends” — a familiar expression? To some this seems unacceptable, but to others it suits. Be careful: an ex who tries hard to maintain friendly relations may turn out to be a psychopath, psychologists warn.
People who have fallen out of love, or even never loved, for some reason strive to keep the former at least as friends. It’s called «getting stuck in the friendzone». But mutual feelings are much better, right?
It turns out not: you need to love a person unconditionally, «and let him be happy, even if we are not together.» It’s so uplifting and romantic.
In fact, everything is far from being so rosy.
Initially, intentions can indeed be the purest and most beautiful, but will such friendship grow into a big problem? Are you really ready to sacrifice yourself for the sake of a relationship with someone who means a lot to you, but has deceived and betrayed more than once? And vice versa: do you seriously think that you can be friends with a person who loves you and use your superiority?
After all, this is nothing more than a desperate attempt to stay in a relationship that has long been gone. Or the inability to accept that «love for life» is over.
According to research, people who want to be friends with their ex after a breakup at all costs can have a serious personality disorder. More precisely, experts have found signs of psychopathy in those who stuff themselves with ex-friends.
Where are such conclusions from?
A University of Auckland study published in the journal Personality and Personality examined the personality traits of 861 people. Participants answered questions about the relationships they were in at the time of the survey. Among which was «Are you friends with the previous partner?».
The authors then gave them the classic narcissistic and psychopathic tendencies test. According to the results, most of those who showed signs of psychopathy kept in touch with an ex for several troubling reasons.
Psychopathy is a form of antisocial personality disorder. This psychological term is often used to describe people with pronounced narcissistic and sadistic tendencies. They are also characterized by selfishness and lack of empathy.
All people are sometimes selfish and restrained in feelings, but in psychopaths these two qualities are expressed in an exaggerated form: they act solely in their own interests.
Psychopaths are good at pretending to be charming, making it easier for them to continue strategic “relationships” after the real relationship has faded and benefit from it. According to the study report, psychopaths tend to stick with exes most often because they can still give them something they need: sex, money, and so on.
What’s more, most psychopaths have one thing in common: they can’t bear the idea that «their» partner can be happy with someone else. This is another reason to turn on the charm and show unprecedented spiritual generosity in order to persuade them to remain friends. It’s easier to manipulate, and even destroy someone else’s happiness.
Commenting on these findings, Paulette Sherman, psychologist and author of the book Inside Out Date, stated: “Dating a person with whom nothing connects, and every time you hear that we are friends, is quite difficult, even if you do not know that he is prone to psychopathy or pursues its goals.
Nevertheless, the findings are remarkable in that they explain the intentions of some people to continue such relationships. They act out of selfish motives, based on sex, information or other practical benefits. They don’t care at all how their ex-partner feels.»
Not everyone who is friends with an ex is a psychopath.
However, Dr. Sherman advises not to generalize: “Given this, I still want to note that some of my clients maintained friendships with exes for normal and even altruistic reasons.
They really want the best for them and enjoy communication, and they also know what healthy boundaries between friends are, do not count on sex and do not make unreasonable demands. They are no longer attracted to each other, they both met new partners and show mutual respect. It’s not easy, but it happens. Therefore, do not think that all the former who offer you friendship are hidden psychopaths or want something from you.
But if a partner from the past is trying to maintain a close relationship with you, as well as with the rest of their exes, it looks too benevolent. So still consider the results of this study, they may come in handy.