They seem to live in different worlds. Some grew up under Soviet rule, while others vaguely imagine what the Komsomol is. Some spend their leisure time in nightclubs, others at night sew costumes for the next children’s performance. Isn’t it strange that people of different generations are sometimes connected by close friendship? What do they have in common?
Today we are meeting with a friend. I know that I can pour out my soul to her, and I will definitely learn something interesting from her. Most likely, we will argue — about a new film or about politics. Sounds serious, but it’s not. She and I always laugh a lot, and even the next day, remembering our witticisms, I can’t help but smile.
But there are topics that we do not touch. We don’t remember how we got out in the 1990s, we don’t discuss classmates … Katya and I don’t have this common past, because we are from different generations. We are 15 years apart. When I was at university, she went to kindergarten. When I got married for the first time, she went to the second grade and played with dolls. She doesn’t remember the 1998 crisis, when our savings vanished like smoke. The advent of computers and mobile phones has changed my life, and for Katya they have always been a matter of course.
I suddenly thought how strange this is. Most of my friends are about the same age as me, we are at the same stage of life. And in such a relationship there are certain advantages. We understand some things without words, or at least without superfluous words.
And with Katya, we look at the world differently in many ways, and this refreshes my view.
Maybe I would like to speculate about the modern school, complain about the teacher with whom my son does not get along, or about the fact that you can’t make him wash the dishes with you. But I understand perfectly well that Katya, who is now 27 and who does not even think about starting a family yet, all these topics are not very interesting. But a new exhibition, a premiere, a book, construction in Moscow, elections — this is what excites both of us and that we are ready to discuss excitedly.
But with two of my classmates, you can’t really talk about this. They are completely immersed in family life, and we are primarily connected by warm shared memories and similar parental concerns.
“Friendships can be not only horizontal, that is, between people of the same age, but also vertical, between people of the same type, similar interests, lifestyle, regardless of age,” comments Gestalt therapist Elena Pavlyuchenko. “Conversely, it can be difficult for us to engage in communication with peers if they are alien to us.”
experience and energy
With old friends of the same age as us, we feel comfortable … sometimes even too much. This relationship is not fraught with surprises, says life coach Sloane Sheridan-Williams. “On the other hand, one of the advantages of friendship with a person of a different generation is that he can make us“ change optics ”, see the familiar from a different angle, open up new perspectives and opportunities, reconsider our priorities,” she notes.
Rosa was already over fifty when a friend brought her niece Anna to her for physiotherapy exercises. Despite the 18-year age difference, they eventually became friends.
“I gradually moved away from my peers as they started families, and after an unsuccessful romance, I never got married,” Rosa says. “I was writing my dissertation and traveling while they were raising the kids. With Anna, we also seem to be completely different. She takes care of her family a lot, I am passionate about work and appreciate freedom. But she and her children seem to fill the void in my life, and I, it seems, to some extent replace her parents who died early. I bring some sanity, some life experience to our relationship.”
In friendships of different ages, parent-child roles are often copied.
“The younger, if he had difficulties with his father or mother, in the face of the elder finds himself, as it were, an ideal parent. The elder treats him without the obligation that often irritates us in parents, but with acceptance, support, guardianship. And for the elder, the younger one can serve as a source of cheerfulness, love of life, help him feel needed, useful, ”explains Elena Pavlyuchenko.
It is important to maintain a balance between this role model and the purely human component of the relationship, the Gestalt therapist warns. If it is difficult for the older to accept that the younger wanted to do something in his own way, or, conversely, it is difficult for the younger to accept that the older is not ready to patronize him in everything, then they are stuck in the role of “parent” or “child”. This can cause a crisis in the relationship. “It’s good if they are aware of these pitfalls,” says Elena Pavlyuchenko, “this helps the relationship not come to a standstill.”
East and West
Not everyone understands and approves, and someone makes fun of such friendship, especially when the age difference is significant. Sloane Sheridan-Williams sees one of the explanations for this in the characteristics of Western culture.
“In the East, it is historically customary to have a mentor or guru, a person who is more spiritually developed. It is also expected that the younger members of the family will follow the older ones. In the West, children are encouraged from a young age to be friends with peers, with classmates, this pattern persists into adulthood. But then young people miss a valuable opportunity to benefit from the experience of older people who have the ability to discard the small and insignificant and focus on the really important things.
The ability to make friends from other generations may also depend on childhood experience.
“If the relationship with the parents was tough, a person may get the idea that it is impossible to agree with the elders, that there can be no common topics with them. In the same way, someone who suffered in childhood in relationships with younger brothers and sisters is unlikely to make friends much younger than himself, ”says Elena Pavlyuchenko.
Flexibility indicator
Varvara, 48, has a large social circle that includes a 26-year-old friend, her former student, and a 70-year-old friend, her former supervisor. “Nina shares her secrets with me, and I am very pleased with her trust,” says Varvara. “I try to help her understand herself better. But she is bolder than me, and thanks to her I become more determined.
And Vladimir Alexandrovich once helped me understand that my vocation is not pedagogy, but science, and until now he is my main adviser in all matters related to work. I discuss with him difficult points in my research and even problems in relationships with colleagues. But I also allow myself to suggest something to him, and he listens to me.
When we have friends from both the younger and the older generation, this suggests that we strive not only to lead or not only need guardianship, but are able to change roles easily and flexibly, Elena Pavlyuchenko believes: “In some ways, the younger for us, he can be an expert, but we can also teach something to our elders. It’s a sign of a healthy relationship.»