The topic of harassment is actively discussed all over the world. But sexual harassment is not the only sign of serious distortions in the relationship between a man and a woman. Clinical psychologist Yulia Lapina talks about cultural prescriptions that are long overdue for revision.
How can a man be accused of Isn’t that why he exists in the world? — such a belief is much more widespread among women than it might seem. This is practically a part of culture (not only ours, but also Western), as is the belief that sex is not always pleasant, and that a woman must endure in order for a man to enjoy it.
Indeed, why does a woman not stop sexual contact as soon as she feels discomfort? This is a tricky question, and there may be several possible answers. One of them is this: «Culture prescribes a woman in most situations to ignore what seems uncomfortable to her.»
Journalist Lily Loofborough writes about this in the article «The Price Women Pay for Men’s Pleasure»:
“In a world where women and men are equal partners in sexual pleasure, it is quite logical to expect women to break off contact when something goes wrong, when something is not to their liking. But we do not live in such a world. The first lesson a woman learns about sex in the real world is the belief that losing her virginity will be painful. She’s supposed to bite the bullet and get through it. How might such an initiation into sex affect the ability to perceive discomfort?
What if sex continues to hurt even after losing your virginity, as has happened to so many of my girlfriends? In this case, many women begin to think that the problem is only in them. And if you had to grit your teeth and go through with it the first time, why not do the same the second time?
We live in a culture that treats women’s pain as the norm and men’s pleasure as a right.
At what point does sex magically transform from a process of «tolerating someone who does something to you that you don’t like» to a process of mutual pleasure that everyone but you seems to have? Women have politely ignored their discomfort and pain for decades in order to give men maximum pleasure.
By the way, PubMed has almost five times more clinical research on male sexual pleasure than female pain in sex. And why? Because we live in a culture that treats women’s pain as the norm and men’s pleasure as a right.»
In our country, things are similar. At the same time, these topics are being discussed more and more often on the net, and those women who are actively involved in Internet life form their own opinions regarding their sexuality.
But Russian society as a whole is very heterogeneous. And most of it is set up quite conservatively. Tradition-oriented women continue to broadcast the mentality of their parents, and first of all, mothers for whom marriage means a lot, and divorce and single status are a stigma. Marital duty is a duty that is not always pleasant, but it must be endured, fulfilled. And therefore, in sex, they tend to turn a blind eye to any discomfort.
«It’s great when a man sticks»
How strongly does women’s self-esteem depend on men’s perceptions? Remember the movie Cinderella, where the sisters count: «the prince looked at me three times, smiled once»? Here is an example of female identification through the attention of a man.
The woman seems to say: “If they don’t pester me, if they don’t flirt, how will I understand what I stand for, what am I?” This is a real threat to her self-esteem.
The Enemy Within: Women Who Hate Women
Many years ago, in an experiment with infants, scientists noticed that a child whose mother stops smiling becomes depressed. When it is not reflected by a significant adult, the infant cannot understand if it exists. With regard to male views, we observe something similar. When the main thing for a girl is to be attractive in the eyes of a man, she is ready to make any sacrifices.
Lily Loughborough writes: “When you see a woman laughing carelessly in a tight and revealing dress that requires her to go without food or drink for hours, know that a) you are watching the work of a consummate illusionist working from the heart and b) you have been taught to perceive such extraordinary, Oscar-worthy performance, as usual.
Learned social stereotypes affect our self-esteem, limiting and narrowing our options.
You may ask: is it really all about male attention? What if she just wants to be beautiful in her own eyes? This is a separate topic for working with a psychologist — to understand what is comfortable for us in our own behavior and what hinders us.
There is nothing wrong with wearing a beautiful dress to a gala event. But going to a party with a high temperature (because it’s not for nothing that you starved for three days before that in order to fit into this very dress) is a sacrifice that is hardly justified by anything.
“I am naked without makeup. I won’t even go outside,” some say. Learned social stereotypes affect our self-esteem, limiting and narrowing our options. “I’m hungry, but I won’t go to the store until I put on my eyelashes and put my hair in order.”
Of course, everyone has obsessive thoughts, fears and anxieties. The whole question is in the degree of their expression. In how much concern for appearance takes a woman’s time and energy. Compared to men, the difference is huge. A man is much less concerned about how he is reflected in the eyes of other people. He has more energy left for actions that change the world, that give him financial stability, independence.
To realize is to change?
It can be very difficult to realize that the usual is not the only correct one. Sometimes it takes half a year of work with a psychotherapist for a woman to even ask herself the question: “Do I have the right to pleasure in sex and marriage?”
Many find it difficult to even formulate this for themselves as a problem. Often women do not feel discomfort during sex — rather, they suffer a lack of pleasure. Simply because they are used to considering vaginal contact as the only correct one. And if a woman needs additional stimulation, then something is wrong with her. Despite the fact that the analogue of the penis in a woman is precisely the clitoris, which is often not involved in vaginal contact.
A woman may not experience pleasure during vaginal intercourse, not at all because she is sick or has psychological problems, but simply because of her anatomy. And when a woman realizes that in general it is not worth depriving herself of pleasure in sex, this will entail many new questions and the need to make decisions.
To donate a certain resource, you must have it. Too much sacrifice leads to exhaustion and mental instability
It is not clear to the woman what to do with this discovery. It may turn out that the partner is not ready to hear it, not ready to discuss and change the established sex life. And she is afraid to insist, feeling her financial dependence, the uncertainty that she will be able to create some other relationship, the fear of loneliness …
New discoveries in established relationships do not always lead to positive changes. Serious upheavals may follow. And it’s often easier to leave things as they are.
On the other hand, concern for your own pleasure should not be excessive either. In the older generation, a sense of duty prevails in relationships. The younger generation has a cult of pleasure and comfort. But any slogan, reaching its extreme, sooner or later gives rise to protest. Selfish aspirations will sooner or later be replaced by an interest in the idea of service, and then again a protest in the form of a call to freedom. This is how it always happens.
It is important to understand two things: no long-term relationship is possible without certain restrictions, and the skill of sacrifice in marriage is necessary. But in order to donate some resource, you must have it. Too much sacrifice leads to exhaustion and mental instability.