We often make excessive demands on loved ones, and then experience irritation when they do not live up to our expectations. However, we can find peace in the soul if we are guided by some tenets of Zen Buddhism, says writer Tim Lott.
Today I want to talk about irritation – because this word annoys me. In my family, and, according to my observations, in other families too, “irritation” has become such a generalizing word that refers to all the negative emotions that we experience. We do not say that loved ones are rude, selfish, incorrect or cruel – we say that they annoy us.
I would like to understand: is this just a language feature or is there a deeper meaning here? But the fact is that one of the main features of modern family life is that we annoy and we are annoyed.
The Buddha said: “Life is Dakkha,” that is, suffering. Perhaps now we would say that life is irritation. Why is life so annoying? Because we can’t get what we want. It’s not that we’re not searching hard enough or putting in enough effort. Frustration is rooted in the duality of our desires.
We would like to meet a wealthy partner who would not get hung up on the material. Attractive, but not preoccupied with their appearance. Clever – but so that next to him we do not feel stupid. Romantic and creative – but so that he knows how to hang shelves, and be collected and organized. We would like our child to be independent thinking, but not contradict us. So that our parents know how to set clear boundaries, but do not command us.
Obviously, our desires are contradictory and therefore lead to suffering – or, if you prefer, to irritation. Irritation arises when we try to connect the unconnected, when we rush in pursuit of the shadow.
The best solution is to lower the bar of requirements, and drastically. Perfectionists are the most annoying people
How to get out of this trap? You can start meditating for 20 minutes a day, but I’m not sure if the effect will last longer… well, let’s say 20 minutes. That is, until the moment when someone enters the room with a question where his underpants have gone.
The best solution is to lower the bar of requirements, and drastically. The most irritable people are perfectionists. They do not allow themselves or others to live. This is why perfectionism is dangerous. As the Bible says, don’t judge, lest you be judged.
To find peace in the soul, you need to learn not to attach importance to unimportant things. It’s about internal, not external change. And that doesn’t mean “I don’t give a damn”. In this position there is always repressed hostility – like “Come on, break the TV, I don’t care!”. No, we are talking about sincere acceptance. Which is ultimately more efficient.
Imagine this dialogue: “I want to cut my hair/dye my hair green/get my nose pierced.” “Okay, I don’t mind.”
Such benevolent neutrality will mean that the very reason that caused the child’s rebellious behavior – namely your desire to control him – disappears. And then, quite possibly, he will not want to get a haircut, makeup or piercing, because the purpose of all this – to annoy you – will not be achieved.
While agreeing with the Buddha, I’m still not sure that mantras, meditations, or the Noble Eightfold Path will be the best way out for us. Rather, we should be guided by the philosophy of Zen: “Alive, be dead, be completely dead, and do whatever you want, everything will be fine.”
It may not be easy to accept, but it is a worthwhile position. There is nothing important, considering that life is not eternal and one final awaits all of us. Ultimately, nothing matters. Just love and hope for the best. Of course, if you refuse to get annoyed, it will annoy someone else. Well, that also has its charm.
About the expert: Tim Lott is an English writer and journalist, father of four daughters.