Contents
One of the most difficult topics in the therapist’s office is violence. Each new patient who has become a victim of violence is a new story and a new tragedy. What to do to find the strength in yourself not just to live on, but to live a full, normal life?
“It’s her own fault”, “What was she thinking about”, “So you should…” The desire to blame the victim of violence herself for what happened seems incredibly wild to me — as well as an attempt to devalue what happened: “Well, it was and it was, you need to live on!”
The rapist takes a lot more from the victim than meets the eye. One of the most monstrous losses concerns the sexual sphere.
I have never met a victim of abuse who continues to lead a fulfilling and pleasurable sex life. And even if the person himself does not see problems, this does not mean that they do not exist. Consciously or unconsciously, we are trying to repair what has been destroyed.
Some find themselves in BDSM games, others after the rapist avoid partners of the opposite sex, choosing same-sex relationships, and others completely abandon sexuality, replacing this area with anything from work to religious ecstasy. Outside the context of violence, all these scenarios have the right to exist, but if they are preceded by a traumatic event, this is no longer a fully conscious choice of a person, but a forced measure, a continuation of a painful episode.
Putting an end to the sensual realm of a relationship, or locking your sexuality into a single scenario, is to allow the abuser to continue to rule your life.
Steps to Healing
Reclaim your life, allow your body to enjoy being touched again, allow your partner’s love to heal, restore integrity… I would like to give some advice to those who, after a painful invasion (physical or verbal), have ceased to feel their body completely theirs.
1. Admit what happened
Very often, people who have experienced violence devalue what happened. «Nothing special. Well, it was. I don’t remember anymore.» I am not advocating reopening old wounds, but post-traumatic work with a therapist is essential. You can contact one of the services that work free of charge with victims of violence (for example, or the emergency psychological help line 051). This is not a question of money, it is a question of the desire to live harmoniously, without lying to yourself.
Sweeping rubbish under the carpet, we know that it will not go anywhere. Our body remembers the trauma, and if the necessary work has not been done, the unconscious replays this experience again and again.
2. Choose a partner you can trust
It would seem that this is obvious, especially for the victim of violence. However, it is not uncommon for a woman or man who has experienced violence to easily enter into a relationship with practically strangers. These casual partners are often devalued, their identity is left behind the scenes. This happens because of a bizarre defensive reaction: the rapist did not take into account my personality, my body can be given to the first comer. Then it doesn’t matter to me who he is, this person, whose body it is.
It is important to remember that only with trust can one agree on the rules of the game and areas where touching can evoke painful memories. Your new partner must understand that no is no. A code «stop» word might be a good idea. To avoid being too dramatic, you can choose something funny — for example, «strawberry» or «ostrich».
3. Rediscover your body
After a traumatic event, zones may appear on the body, any contact with which causes rejection. Other areas may still be susceptible. It is important to carefully study the new “body geography” and stay within the framework of what is comfortable and pleasant.
This requires a conscious stay in the body. Do not go into automatic repetition of working schemes. Depending on the mood and emotional state, the zones can shift: in stress, the body will reject touches, and with a good emotional mood, it will let go further. This included attitude will help to restore integrity little by little.
4. Create a safe environment, turn off stressors
We are responsible for our mood, so each of us should get a set of «mediators» of a good mood: a special playlist, a favorite smell — everything that allows you to relax, tune in to a positive wave. Build an emotional fortress inside which you personally feel good.
5. Wait for full readiness
In relationships, there is no mandatory period after which the first sex should happen. Move to intimacy only when you are ready. Yes, this can be an additional test for a new partner. So much the better — you will immediately know whether a person is ready to treat you carefully, or whether his own desires are more important for him. If they put pressure on you, this is not the right person. And there can be no «buts».
6. Pay attention to your partner
Another extreme that survivors of abuse can fall into is that my partner is healthy and happy, and I am the victim. But each of us has his own story: maybe your partner once suffered an emotional trauma. Pay attention not only to your boundaries, but also to a loved one. The sexual sphere of life is a zone of vulnerability for each of us, so do not think that those who have not experienced violence are free from restrictions.
***
Time passes, we gradually heal, we forget a lot. But inside still remains something scratching, unpleasant. Guilt. This is perhaps the hardest thing to live with. In the views of relatives, even those who seek to support, we see an accusation.
You are not to blame for anything. And the best way to prove this to yourself is not to deprive yourself of the pleasures and joys of life, but close relationships filled with both spiritual warmth and physicality are the most important component of a happy life.