Irina Mlodik: “Ignoring is the most cruel punishment for a child”

Psychologies: What kind of punishment turns into violence? How to understand where the line lies between the right, useful punishment and dangerous, traumatic?

Irina Mlodik: There are two types of punishment. The first is when the child actually committed some tangible offense. In this case, it is important to take responsibility. It’s like adults. After all, if we break the law, we will also be punished. And the child must understand: he will have to be responsible for the fact that he caused damage to someone, to fix what he destroyed, broke. This is fine.

But often parents punish a child for only one reason – their own impotence. After all, if the mother and father have authority, they can say to the child “stop, don’t do this again,” which will not have to be punished. In my opinion, punishments are rarely needed. Children themselves understand when they have committed a bad deed and must answer for it. And often they themselves say: “Forgive me.”

It happens that parents beat a child not from a feeling of powerlessness – this is their way of maintaining order in the house, demonstrating their power.

Most likely, they were also beaten in childhood. And they transfer the model of “education” received from their parents to their own children. They may think that this is a way to show love and care.

If it is customary in the family to punish with a belt and this rule is known to the child, can spanking be considered violence?

What is the difference between parental influence and abuse? The fact that the child can challenge the parent’s decision. He may cry. And the parent will accept his feelings.

And where the child is denied fear, pain, experience, and violence appears. One of its manifestations is the humiliation of the child. What many parents do, unfortunately, is not even considered violence in our country. But what is humiliation? It is “I deny you dignity, I humiliate you, and at that moment you cease to be a person.”

A typical example: at the station or in the supermarket, the child begins to act up, and the mother publicly explains to him how bad he is.

Yes. This causes monstrous shame in the child, often much more than his misdeed. And the mother does this most often out of impotence. Because she could not normally set a border for the child, decisively refuse him, she does not have enough authority for him to obey her. Her scream, slaps and cracks are a sign that the parent is not coping with her role.

Several years ago, at the request of Psychologies magazine, the Levada Center conducted a large-scale survey on this topic. The majority of parents (87%) believe that it is worth punishing children from time to time, and 75% of parents still resort to corporal punishment. Why are they dangerous?

This statistic horrifies me. Other figures are also known: 14 women and 000 children died as a result of domestic violence in 2500 alone. This, in fact, is the number of dead Soviet soldiers during the 2014 years of the Afghan war. We no longer take those who ended up in the hospital, who survived.

In fact, the numbers say: it is a cultural norm for us to beat each other. In a fit of rage, we may not stop and kill a wife, a child, someone else. After all, it’s amazing.

Why is parental violence so dangerous? Because home is the place where we want to feel as safe as possible. Parents are the people we want to trust as much as possible. Children are creatures that are as defenseless as possible. And when we hit a child, we destroy his sense of support in life, the very idea of ​​security. We seem to say to him: “Proximity is where you can be hit and humiliated. That’s what intimacy is.”

And then, in adulthood, he reproduces this style of behavior in relationships with his partners. He unwittingly uses one of two strategies: either to be afraid or to beat the other. And becomes either a victim or a rapist. Many children who were abused by their parents later become regular visitors to psychologists.

There is a study that corporal punishment not only contributes to the growth of aggression in these children, but also slows down their intellectual development.

Certainly. And I can even tell you why. In a child who is beaten or humiliated, fear grows into an affect. And when we are in a passion, we begin to think badly. The whole physiology is about running or hiding, not about thinking. I say this specifically for parents who care about the intellectual development of their children.

There are also less obvious types of violence. I’m not talking now about a situation where a father or mother can spank a child in a hurry, and then cool down and apologize – this is exactly what parents are able to notice and analyze.

This, by the way, will not be violence, because the parent says to the child with his apology: you really pissed me off, but I chose the wrong form, I should not have spanked you. I got excited. At this point, dignity returns to the child, and he can already somehow cope with the situation. It is clear that it would be better not to spank at all. But if he slapped and apologized, this is much more humane than believing that it is necessary to beat him so that he grows up as a man, for prevention.

What about ignoring? Some parents who cannot afford physical aggression find boycott an effective form of punishment. Which can last from several hours to several weeks. They stop noticing the child, showing him how much he disappointed them. Do you consider this violence?

This is a very harmful way of reacting to a child’s behavior. Formally, it probably cannot be called violence. Because the boundaries of the child at this moment are not violated.

But let’s look at what ignorance is. It also broadcasts to the child: if you do not obey me, then I break the connection with you. You don’t exist for me. Everything, you are left alone, I leave you. And if the child is three years old or five years old, it is absolutely unbearable. Children immediately come running and say: “Mommy, forgive me.” They can’t bear this broken bond, the feeling of being annulled, destroyed.

The difficulty is that the mother at this moment considers herself right, she is such a fine fellow. Because he does not yell, does not hysteria, does not commit obvious violence. And she does not even realize what consequences she gives birth to in the soul of a child. She causes him tremendous anxiety and fear that a significant person for him will suddenly leave him.

There is another form of punishment, the effectiveness of which is being debated. I mean time-out, when parents leave the child alone. For example, in a separate room. And give him the opportunity to reflect on what he did. Some psychologists recommend doing this. Is this also ignoring or is it another, harmless method?

There is no clear answer here. It seems to me that parents need time-out more. If something happens, it is the parent who gets affected in the first place by what happened.

That is, this is a way to protect the child from his anger.

And it’s best to say this: “You know, I’m very angry with you right now, I just can’t see you. Let’s go to your room for 15 minutes now so that I can calm down, and then we’ll talk with you. This does not mean that the connection is broken. The parent explains that he needs to cope with his feelings, indicates a specific time, promises to talk. Sometimes it helps.

When a child has a tantrum, it is impossible to leave him alone for a long time. Young children have poor self-regulation. They need an adult to hug and comfort them. Therefore, parents who need to recover should take the shortest possible time-out. And clearly label it.

When can a child start to resist abuse? Can he be taught this?

Above all, we must treat the child with respect. And then, if someone else humiliates his dignity, the child will at least be amazed. He will tell us that the teacher did or said something bad. And then we will explain: “No one has the right to spank you, call you names and humiliate you. I’ll talk to her tomorrow.”

If one of the family members behaves this way, then we, mothers, can also console the child, calm him down. We can say that the pope is right in essence, but in form he had no right to say so. And then we go to my husband and talk about how to still set boundaries for a child without crossing the line.

A special story if the father regularly beats, insults and does not feel remorse. Here it is difficult for a woman to explain over and over again that this is not possible. In such a family, they do not bring up a person with dignity, but a victim or an aggressor who will repeat this behavior in the future.

How should a bystander of child abuse react? Intervene or pass by?

That’s a very difficult question. If we see that an adult is hitting a child, we have the right to come up and say: “Listen, we do not allow violence against children. According to article 65 of the Family Code, parents have no right to harm the physical and mental health of children. You’re breaking the law, stop or I’ll call the cops.” Maybe this will stop someone.

But if a parent yells at a child in an affect, it is difficult to intervene, but we have not seen the prehistory of the scandal. We’ll make a note and leave. And the parent, out of shame that he was caught in an unsightly appearance, may attack the child even more. But in any case, you need to be information-savvy and refer to the law that prohibits violence.

Does psychotherapy help to cope with the negative impact that child abuse has on his entire adult life?

It is possible in therapy. Increasingly, parents come to see me and say: “I was beaten, and now I beat my child. Help me get rid of this pattern of behavior, I want to stop.” It doesn’t happen quickly. In order to get rid of this connection, an adult has to live his childhood story again, rethink it. After that, it is easier for him to withstand both his own affects and those of his child. And he ceases to pass this terrible baton from generation to generation.

The interview was recorded for the joint project of Psychologies magazine and radio “Culture” “Status: in a relationship.”