Emotional abuse is often invisible. Most victims are not even aware that they are being mistreated or that their relationship is «toxic». Did the partner really try to offend or not? Did he mean to hurt or was he just joking? Sincere compliment or mockery? How to understand that there really is an abuser nearby?
We often do not understand whether what is happening to us can be attributed to emotional abuse.
“In itself, this is also an important symptom: if you are constantly confused, doubting how to understand the words and actions of a person, then something is wrong between you,” explains psychotherapist Shari Stines.
Emotional abuse is primarily a lack of respect for other people’s personal boundaries. «Home tyrants» often make decisions for their partner or child, because they do not consider them independent, separate individuals. They are not aware of the needs and demands of the other.
Trying to control loved ones, such a person begins to establish his own rules. They concern all aspects of life: from trifles to important problems, but usually “domestic despots” tend to control the lives of loved ones most of all in insignificant trifles. These rules are completely unpredictable and often illogical, and therefore the «victims» are lost and do not understand what they should do.
The essence of such petty control is that the «despot» considers himself superior to his «victims» and is sure that he has the right to make decisions for them. In the worst cases, such a “boss” does not just control his loved ones, but deliberately tries to hurt them. This is often done by sociopaths who are incapable of empathy and prone to sadism.
Here are some examples of emotional abuse. If you suspect that you have been the victim of mistreatment, check the box next to what the person you suspect is doing to you. If you have marked many points at once, there are clearly serious problems in your relationship with him. So, it is worth seriously considering if he regularly:
- accuses you;
- does not apologize for hurting you;
- rude;
- constantly applies double standards;
- neglects you;
- makes you a «scapegoat»;
- screaming at you;
- falls into a rage;
- stops talking to you as a punishment for something;
- refuses to answer your questions;
- shows complete indifference to you;
- hangs offensive labels;
- uses against you what you revealed to him in secret;
- keeps «trump cards» ready (for example, if you once made a big mistake, he uses this as an eternal excuse for being boorish towards you);
- mocks you;
- obscenely expressed in your address;
- hints at your guilt or your shortcomings;
- constantly changes his attitude;
- trying to undermine your self-esteem;
- shows open hostility;
- does not fulfill promises;
- uses your children against you;
- tries to tell you what to do or think.
“What happens to victims of chronic emotional abuse? Over time, they lose their intuition and no longer understand whether they can trust themselves. They mentally pass all their actions through the “filter”, asking themselves how the “tyrant” will react, ”says Shari Stines.
The main problem with emotional abuse is that it is often not taken seriously.
Let’s name a few more typical signs of emotional abuse. Your relationship with a partner is likely to be «toxic» and dangerous for you if:
- With a partner, you are forced to «tiptoe» all the time;
- You are looking for excuses for his inappropriate behavior;
- You have selective amnesia about past abuse and abuse (emotional and otherwise). Every time this happens, you convince yourself that nothing serious happened and it didn’t affect you in any way, and in the end you force yourself to forget about what happened;
- You feel that you are losing self-respect and your self-esteem is falling;
- You live in constant fear and anxiety;
- You are used to being never listened to and your voice means nothing;
- You have become afraid to express your opinion, for fear of ridicule or quarrels;
- You feel completely alone;
- Partner intimidates or humiliates you;
- You are financially dependent on a partner;
- It begins to seem to you that you are losing yourself, that only a shell is left of you, and there is emptiness inside.
The main problem with emotional abuse is that it is often not taken seriously. Many are sure that only physical violence can be considered “real” violence. But this is absolutely not true. Trying to drown out mental pain, we begin to dissociate from it (completely move away). To some extent, this protects us, but it can have a very negative impact on our mental well-being.
“But the consequences of emotional abuse are absolutely real. It deeply hurts the psyche and destroys self-esteem and self-image. Victims suffer even more from the fact that what happens to them is often not taken seriously, ”explains Shari Stines.
It is often very difficult to determine whether a loved one is showing real emotional abuse towards you. But if you understand that the signs described above apply to you and your situation, it’s time to take action to protect yourself. Here’s where to start:
- Take back your right to vote;
- Set personal boundaries for self-protection;
- Try to trust your intuition;
- Do what you can to protect yourself from further emotional abuse.