Aging and illness of older parents often change the lives of adult children radically. They have to take care of their father or mother, often sacrifice work and personal plans, take time from their children and friends. Not everyone can cope with the situation adequately.
“She often gets up in the middle of the night, turns on the lights in all rooms, wanders around and loudly calls her older sister, who has been gone for a long time, I wake up and cannot fall asleep until the morning,” says 57-year-old Marina. Her mother is 84 years old and has had dementia for the last couple of years. An elderly woman, as if defiantly, tears apart her diapers and walks under herself everywhere, either in bed or in the corridor. He also hides leftover food in the bottom drawer of the sideboard. When Marina throws away the dried crusts, she complains to her son, who comes to visit her, that her daughter is starving her.
«It’s unbearable! Sometimes I think she does it on purpose to piss me off. I can yell at her sometimes, swear or even hit her in the hearts, and then I can’t find a place for myself, ”Marina admits.
There are many such stories from the mouths of adult children who take care of aging parents. And most of them cannot be attributed to people with mental disorders, who are characterized by irrational outbursts of rage and inappropriate behavior.
What makes sons and daughters behave rudely, humiliate, hurt parents who are helpless like children and cannot stand up for themselves in a situation of insults, beatings, food restrictions or, for example, deprivation of finances? Why do they have so much hatred?
When strength ends
“This is a difficult topic — hatred in care,” notes psychiatrist and psychotherapist Grigory Gorshunin. Both caregivers and those they are trying to help suffer from this. This is an awkward topic, because people who take it out on their wards often feel shame and guilt later. Usually hatred here is an extreme degree of fatigue, and often a rejection of the illness of a loved one. What causes fatigue?
The most common reasons:
an attempt to court without resource and structure;
an increase in the feeling of «forcedness» and «hopelessness» in caring for the patient;
failure to organize adequate medical care from the very beginning of the patient’s behavioral disorders or denial of the benefits of such care.
Even if an elderly person does not immediately lose intelligence and capacity, age-related changes make themselves felt: memory, attention and self-control worsen, the ability to make decisions and take care of oneself, as before, goes away. He sometimes forgets to turn off the gas, cannot send a message, opens the door to scammers and does not see the glasses lying at hand.
In addition to the strong fear for the life of a loved one in children, a lot of new responsibilities and anxiety about career prospects are added, which lose certainty.
What can we say about families where you have to take care of bedridden patients and people with severe dementia. The result of physical and mental overload is emotional burnout, an atmosphere of mutual hatred, resentment and despair.
“In an atmosphere of fatigue and hopelessness, old grievances and hostility are activated,” Grigory Gorshunin explains. “Usually it’s two-way, and the elderly respond to angry caregivers in the same way. The spiral of moral violence can unwind to physical, and it is also quite often reciprocal. Although, of course, bedridden and seriously ill patients cannot fight back.
Negative addiction
Many older people fall into a depressed state and get stuck in it: they become picky and irritable. And their mentally debilitated guardians find it difficult to discern their true intentions. It may seem to them that an elderly relative is deliberately mischievous or capricious, although in reality this is not so. More precisely, it is not always so.
“Some elderly people themselves show aggression, become inadequate in their actions and statements,” comments Grigory Gorshunin. — What is the reason for this — personal characteristics, age-related changes or illness, is always a difficult question. Over the years of work, I have seen enough evil and cursing feeble-minded (and not so) people.
Some of them were “not sugar” in their previous life, others seem to be calm, decent people, not prone to abuse and violence.
But when the head is «damaged», the critical attitude towards one’s actions is weakened, what lived in a person not very noticeable life, gets the opportunity to break out. On the other hand, an organic disease of the brain often enhances, grotesquely exaggerates many character traits. If a person was tight-fisted, then he becomes a natural Plyushkin. And if he was inclined to get angry and offended, and this can “bloom” in old age in a violent color.
It is especially difficult for close people to experience such “inadequate” because in their accusations and curses, an elderly person hits the most sore spots. “In addition, there are cases when patients suffering from dementia accuse their loved ones of violence, but within the framework of their delusional designs,” the expert clarifies.
Looking for a way out
What will help to establish mutual understanding in the family and adequately withstand this difficult period of life?
“For starters, it is important not to find out who is the abuser of whom, who started it first, and to look for who is really “sick”, and for the caregiver to seek psychological or medical help as soon as possible,” Grigory Gorshunin insists. — This is part of his obligations: for a person who undertook to care, the psyche becomes an important tool for care. He has to take care of himself and be responsible for his mental state.”
Feel free to seek help from a professional nurse or close family.
Discuss the situation together and distribute responsibilities so that you have time to be alone, take care of your body, break out to meet friends or go out for a weekend in the city. And finally, get some real sleep.
Do not stop planning for the future: trips, educational courses, interesting creative projects must be present in your picture of the world. Don’t let your life perspective collapse to the size of your apartment and the route from home to the clinic. Well, for those who do not live nearby, but see the complete dependence of an elderly person on their children / relatives, you need to remember: complete dependence, if the disease is chronic, sooner or later comes. And the best help in this case is to replace the main guardian so that the person can rest and recover.