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Have you ever been in the midst of a party with friends and suddenly feel completely exhausted and have an acute desire to “turn shop”? If so, then such thoughts and feelings should not scare you – most likely, you are just an introvert and you have a “hangover”. About what it is and how to be in such situations, the journalist Elena Sivkova tells.
At the word “introvert” many people have an image of an unsociable beech, spending time alone with a book or wandering through the back streets of the park. As for me, I am friendly and open, I enjoy communicating with interesting and pleasant people, I value friendship and value my loved ones. And yet I am an introvert. This means that I draw resources for restoring inner balance in solitude. And also – that the so-called “introvert hangover” is well known to me.
What is it, you ask. This is the feeling when, in the middle of a pleasant party or a concert of our favorite musician, we begin to feel tired, exhausted and want to be alone and in silence. And after hanging out or gatherings, you may even experience a feeling akin to a hangover – even if we didn’t drink a drop of alcohol the day before.
The blogger of the online community Introvert, dear Maria, says that she also has a similar feeling: “It all depends on the circumstances and the nature of the communication, but sometimes this feeling is absolutely exhausting. So much so that my bones hurt and I need the whole next day to recover and rest. To extroverts, this may even seem strange – how can such a pleasant activity as socialization influence someone like that?
Both introverts and extroverts can get tired of socialization from time to time and need some rest.
“You spent the whole day with your family and are now so exhausted that you can’t even keep your eyes on one point. You feel mental and physical fatigue and a total lack of energy, while the rest do not have such signs. What’s wrong with you? suggests Jenn Granneman, author of The Secret Lives of Introverts. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love your family. During the day spent with family, there were many wonderful moments. But after a long conversation, it feels like I had to run a marathon. If this happens to you, you are not alone. Although not found among medical diagnoses, “introvert hangover” is familiar to many. It is a form of fatigue with palpable mental and physical manifestations.”
Yes, communication, even the most exciting and enriching, takes energy. Both introverts and extroverts can get tired of socialization from time to time and need some rest. According to the author, introverts are more prone to social burnout, because for their type of nervous system, communication can be overstimulating.
“It has to do with how we are structured. Compared to extroverts, we are more sensitive to noise and other forms of stimulation. The mechanism for the production of dopamine, the “hormone of pleasure”, is somewhat different for introverts than for extroverts, which determines the ability of the latter to withstand noise and stress during communication more and longer.
What to do
Each of us needs to replenish the spent reserves of strength and energy from time to time. The burnout that accompanies communication does not bring joy either to those who no longer have the strength to talk, or to those around them. Even without understanding what is happening with the interlocutor, people will experience discomfort.
“About three hours passed, and I caught myself thinking that the party was pleasant and fun, but I’m already ready to say goodbye to the guests,” recalls Maria. – These thoughts were unpleasant to me, but I seem to have been on the verge. Communication with me for today was enough. Of course, being a hospitable hostess, I wasn’t really going to push the guests out the door, and my husband enjoyed the conversations. What was left for me to do?
The phone screen is a convenient window into which you can look out while remaining physically in a communication situation.
Frankly, I caught myself hiding in my smartphone in such situations. Not that there is anything more interesting or enjoyable than my current company. And I don’t observe an unhealthy dependence on the gadget either. It’s just that in a situation where you need a little pause alone with yourself, the screen of my phone is too convenient a window to look out of, while remaining physically in the situation of communication.
Methods of self-regulation can be very different. For example, you can take your dog for an evening walk. For others, there is nothing impolite or strange in this, but there is a small break and the opportunity to free your head.
“This is a great opportunity to start asking yourself questions.”
Anastasia Gurneva, gestalt therapist
As in the case of an alcohol hangover, the first thing to think about when you have a “hangover” from communication is to think about the following questions:
- Didn’t you “drunk” yesterday? Was the communication excessive in terms of the number of interlocutors or the duration?
- Could it be that you didn’t “snack” enough or “sip too often”? In other words, were there any pauses in communication that made it possible to comprehend what was happening, did the pace of communication suit you exactly, were you comfortable, did you have time to enjoy the conversation.
- Have you “drank” something of poor quality? Whether the communication partner was aggressive, manipulative, or simply unpleasant to you.
- Have you chosen to communicate? Did you have the opportunity to refuse the meeting as a whole or a specific topic in the conversation? Were you in the mood and ready to communicate?
There are many questions both within the metaphor and outside it. Having answered them, you can also think about the directions of changes if you feel the need for them: the choice of people with whom to communicate, the duration of communication in the comfort zone, the pace, the voluntariness of entering and exiting the communication situation.
Communication vs privacy
Sometimes our upbringing or the desire to follow social norms of behavior or conform to the company makes us remain deaf to ourselves. In an effort to support those suffering from social hangovers, Jenn Granneman reminds us: “Our needs are important too. In a society that encourages extraversion, it’s easy to think there’s something wrong with us. We may worry that we will offend others. This forces us to hide our feelings or pretend that everything is in order – and, accordingly, suffer. If you leave the party early, it’s ok. If you need to be alone with yourself, that’s fine. Your needs are important.”
We live in a society and are connected to each other, and social connections are really important. It is the responsibility of each of us to find a balance between our characteristics and communication with others, between the “hangover” and the desire to be together with significant people.