From now on, you don’t need to keep in mind the details of your love affairs, frivolous thoughts and bed quarrels – keeping an intimate diary is a good way to find out what works and what doesn’t work in our sexual relationships and how they can be corrected.
Recording what is happening to us and what we feel allows us to step back from the situation and notice certain patterns in our behavior. “We don’t consider a lot of problems to be serious,” says family therapist Andrew Marshall, “just think, I’m overtired, I don’t get enough sleep, I broke down again … We ignore them and try to find the cause of the trouble somewhere else.
We focus on what doesn’t work and take for granted what goes well. Start keeping a diary and you will be able to understand what your sex life really is. Getting used to writing down all your thoughts about sex, your desires, fantasies and actions, we begin to think more about this side of life, which has a positive effect on our libido”. Andrew Marshall explains the best way to do this.
Start journaling and you will be able to understand what your sex life really is
Tune in to what you write daily, make the necessary notes in the diary during the day. Record the noticed states of mind and bodily sensations, note the desire or irritation that arises, with what they are associated.
What are your thoughts on the billboard advertisement?who met on the way to work, what did you dream about last night? What do you think of your new work colleague? Be extremely honest, because these records are addressed exclusively to you. Don’t show the diary to your partner and respect their privacy too.
Try not to miss the most innocent details and trifles, the expert recalls, everyday hugs, touches, kisses (whether they led to sex or not) must also be mentioned, because they help to complete the complete picture of your sex life. Describe the fantasies that arise during masturbation, what techniques and actions of the partner cause the most vivid, intense sensations. All this will help you better understand your body.
If you are in a stable relationship with one regular partner, keep a regular eye on how long the foreplay lasts, the intercourse itself, and finally the hugs and gentle chatter after it. Gradually, you will learn to maintain a balance between quick sex and long, sensual games. “Summarize your observations at the end of the first week, and then after about a month,” recommends Andrew Marshall. At this stage, discuss with your partner what contributes to the maximum pleasure in sex (pay attention to the number of planned contacts – many believe that the best sex is spontaneous, but this is not always the case).
Check out those experiments. in bed or some of the erotic games that gave you the most pleasure, and discuss whether they can be made part of your daily life. Talk about whether having intimate space (description in a diary of personal fantasies and possibly masturbation without a partner) helps improve your love life or not. Good sex needs closeness, but it also needs distance. Otherwise, you risk turning from lovers into relatives.
Pay attention to those experiments in bed that gave you the most pleasure, and discuss whether they can be made part of your daily life.
If there is no permanent partner, summarize your diary entries in a short summary. You will begin to realize what gives you special pleasure and allows you to remain sensual, sexually charged. Potential partners always notice women who are confident in their sexuality.
The diary will help decipher mixed feelings about episodic meetings and remind you that sex life without a partner can also be pleasant. And don’t be put off by the prospect of writing a lot. At first, this may indeed seem too tedious. But then all this hard work will pay off in full.
Read more in the book: A. Marshall “Have the Sex You Want” (“Have sex the way you like,” Marshall Method Publishing, 2014).
About expert
Andrew G. Marshall – family therapist, author of several books, including Build a Life-Long Love Affair: Seven Steps to Revitalizing Your Relationship, Bloomsbury UK, 7.