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There you can indulge in romantic dreams or communicate, making numerous acquaintances — quickly, without embarrassment and completely anonymously. Is virtual space becoming the perfect place to find love?
The sexual revolution seems to have moved into another dimension. In the virtual world, millions of men and women meet each other for sex or in search of love. In this parallel universe, consisting of nicknames and avatars, you can realize a variety of needs.
Here they meet and part — immediately or after some time, «living» together this segment of the path in the virtual space. They fulfill their desires: they are looking for a handsome prince, they play a femme fatale or a great seducer.
There is a place on the Web for the fulfillment of any, even the most non-standard fantasies. But in most cases, according to the family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova, the goal of those who came to the Network to get acquainted is the same — to “fill up” their loneliness. “Of course, there are sexual predators and marauders, but most men and women seek to find a mate, so as not to spend alone weekends or go on vacation together. Someone hopes to find their half with the help of the Internet, because it seems that by sorting through an infinite number of candidates, we will find it sooner.”
Meeting point
Is there really no space left for communication in real life? “The traditional place of acquaintance was work,” explains Inna Khamitova. “But today more and more people work at home or in small teams, where the possibility of finding a mate tends to zero. In addition, the alienation characteristic of residents of large cities complicates the search for a potential partner. That is why in metropolitan areas the Internet has become one of the most popular platforms for making acquaintances.”
36-year-old Anna, a proofreader for a weekly magazine, agrees with this: “I work in a women’s team, our only man is an art director, but he is irrevocably married. I’m just afraid to meet on the street. In the evening, when I leave the editorial office, I don’t have the strength to go to a party where you can meet an interesting person, and going to an exhibition or, say, to the theater is impossible, because under our regime I will only have time for the second act. The Internet gives you the opportunity to improve your personal life. Here I have many acquaintances, I met with some of them, and I even had novels with a couple of them.
portrait dissimilarity
27-year-old Elizabeth recently signed up for a dating app. About herself, she wrote: «I am a young woman who loves palm trees and skiing, Japanese cuisine and men who are capable of decisive action.» “I thought about the last phrase for a long time, reshaping it this way and that, but then I reassured myself that I had at least made the first attempt.”
The data indicated in the questionnaire — hobbies, habits, age, social status, profession, and even eye and hair color — should be formulated in such a way that they are immediately noticed. After all, all users strive to ensure that their virtual image is as attractive as possible, while realizing that such an edited self-portrait obviously simplifies their personality.
“Filling out questionnaires on dating sites, we tell about ourselves only what we want, demonstrating what we think is important,” explains psychologist Sergey Stepanov. “But in real life, we do the same: trying to make the most winning impression possible, we hope to get attention and love.”
In addition, our image should fit into the Procrustean bed of questions that come up with the creators of sites and applications. We are forced to fit into the pattern, fitting our answers to it. As a result, a virtual self-portrait gives no idea of who we really are.
The costs of virtuality
In real life, we unwittingly hide our expectation of love, and when a feeling arises, it takes us by surprise, throws us off balance. Relationships on the Internet are different: we clearly imagine what the person we hope to meet should be like. We are looking for someone who is like us, a person whose passions, tastes and habits are the same as ours. But, paradoxically, it is precisely such a “rational” search that prevents the emergence of true love.
“To love yourself in another means to love only yourself,” says psychoanalyst Jean-Michel Hirt. — And before filling out a questionnaire on a dating site, you should ask yourself the question: “Am I ready to meet another (in the full sense of the word), not like me?”
We want intimacy (tastes, interests, attitudes), which to some extent can make up for the unreality of virtual relationships. “But nothing in them can awaken our body, excite its appetite,” says Inna Khamitova.
The idealization of the other and the selective representation we create of ourselves are so significant precisely because we cannot sense each other’s bodily and non-verbal cues. Any information about another gets an exaggerated value, and «immersion» in intimacy is faster and more intense.
“The illusion of intimacy is to some extent connected with the fact that the Internet makes it possible to approach each other with a jerk and not hurt yourself if you “fall,” Sergey Stepanov clarifies. “On the World Wide Web, there is a system of norms in which it is not customary to repel each other, here conventions generally weigh less on us.”
The Internet allows those who are single to live fulfilling lives without changing their status or succumbing to social pressure.
The longer virtual relationships develop, the more the other becomes the object of our projections: we attribute to him everything that is important for ourselves: our values, expectations, beliefs.
A tender or playful message and the imagination is running amok. We are almost certain that someone, somewhere, also dreams of us. But, alas, the meeting is often followed by disappointment.
“Virtual acquaintance is deceptive,” explains Inna Khamitova. — Most of the information (over 70%) that we learn about a person during a real acquaintance is non-verbal, which means that it cannot be caught through a monitor. We cannot smell the interlocutor, notice how his eyelashes tremble, in what rhythm he breathes … Our virtual image does not even give him an idea about us. We do not see many of the smallest signs that can instill excitement in us and, in the end, start the alchemy of desire.
“In my profile there are no photos and a detailed description of my appearance, instead I put poems there in which I talk about my life, desires and dreams. I received several responses that did not move me at all. And one more poem… After reading it, I felt that the author is exactly the person I’m looking for. Although I did not know his age, or how he looks, or his profession … When we met and talked, it seemed to me that we had known each other for a long time. Perhaps we do not have a strong sexual attraction, but I feel good with him and very interesting.
Relations of a new type
Site search, registration, first response, acquaintance… On the Internet, everything happens very quickly. “Every time I feel like I’m being tested again,” says 41-year-old Oksana. — With each new acquaintance, I am evaluated, like a product in a store. But I also appreciate: I don’t want to waste time in vain. The Internet in this sense is very similar to a supermarket where you can look for a partner for sex for one night or try to find your love.
But thanks to this particular feature of the Internet, 44-year-old Natalya «gained a second wind.» “You just need to be clear about what you are looking for. Let’s say I don’t dream of a serious relationship with men. After two divorces, it is important for me to enjoy freedom to the fullest. Without the Internet, I would probably feel marginalized.”
Virtual and real adultery, porn sites, sex entertainment — the abundance and variety of Internet offers, their low cost and user anonymity increase Internet addiction. But don’t demonize the Internet either. It allows those who are single to live fulfilling lives without changing their status or succumbing to social pressures.
“To live as a couple at any cost,” says Jean-Michel Hirt. — Thanks to the Internet, a new type of relationship arises — fuck friends («friends-lovers»). Finally, on the Web you can hide, not be, as in everyday life, in plain sight.
“If a person knows who he is looking for and what hinders this search in real life, the virtual space will help him achieve his goal,” adds Sergey Stepanov.
Most virtual dating has no future: one night, pleasant memories or awkward waking up
But, as in any supermarket where we regularly buy products, visitors to dating sites often become regulars: «one-time» relationships prevail on the Internet. Most virtual romantic encounters have no future: one night, pleasant memories or awkward waking up…
“When we can find each other with such ease, we part just as easily,” says 29-year-old Marina bitterly. “There are a lot of us on the Web, so we are valued inexpensively.”
For the most staunch adherents of the Web, there is always a last resort: virtual virtuality. 27-year-old Maxim recently got married in a computer game. “It’s good that in real life I’m single, otherwise I would have the feeling that I’m a bigamist!” he jokes. So, the Internet is the creator of new relationships? Without any doubts.
«We are looking for people like ourselves»
Some dating sites are a «showcase» where everyone can post any information about themselves and choose a partner of their choice; for others, candidates for couples are selected automatically using programs developed by psychologists.
“Showcase sites” impress with a dizzying abundance of opportunities, but others will immediately offer a list of people who share our tastes and strive for a serious relationship. Does it increase the chances of a successful relationship? Psychoanalyst Serge Tisseron answers.
Psychologies: What do you think about the differences between «general» sites and matching sites?
Serge Tisseron: Essentially they are one and the same. On open sites, people themselves look for profiles similar to their own; on selection sites, psychologists do this for them. In the old days, matchmakers did exactly the same thing.
Perhaps a special selection reduces the risk of error …
… It acts like a placebo: the fact that the partner is selected taking into account psychological compatibility already reassures us. Considering that this helps to find a loved one, we are less worried and more attentive to those with whom the site connects us. And this gives us more chances for a successful acquaintance …
However, in this case, there is no guarantee that everything will turn out well in the future. After all, both on an open site and on a site that selects a partner, the idea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXbpeople is made up of what they say about themselves, and they are looking for a partner on the basis of the coincidence of views and tastes. But you can not know each other, based only on what we say about ourselves. And there is no evidence that the strength of the union of two depends on the commonality of their tastes or the similarity of characters. And of course, when communicating on the Internet, we do not use body language, which plays a huge role in forming a couple.
You say that «virtual dating is ideal for virtual life, but not for real life.» But the Internet has long been a part of our everyday, real life.
I’m just stating a fact. Yes, the life of a couple is changing, the relationship of partners is becoming more and more virtual, sometimes they spend much less time together than on the Web. Online dating fits well with the customs and mores of this new era, but it is hardly suitable for everyone.