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The network is actively shaping new ideas about friendship. We sometimes know more about our web friends than about old acquaintances, we share almost everything with them, and in return we expect attention and support. Analysis of the new reality.
For the first time this year, the Anglican Church decided to ask the opinion of the public, choosing its head – the Archbishop of Canterbury. And she did it with the help of Twitter microblogging. Adherents of all religions, as well as atheists and agnostics, can speak out. Moreover, Archbishop of York John Sentamu has the most subscribers (21 thousand), which makes him the most likely candidate *. For comparison, the church itself has a little over 13 thousand subscribers.
This story shows how important virtual connections are today. And this is only at first glance, the Network forms superficial, “inferior” relationships. “The number of friends on Facebook is determined by the density of social connections outside the network, and not vice versa,” says psychologist John Cacioppo, director of the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience at the University of Chicago (USA). – The use of social media does not create new relationships, it simply transfers existing ones from one platform to another. In other words, Facebook doesn’t destroy friendships, but it doesn’t create new ones either.” But social networks help us build communication with friends in a new way, allowing us to be in touch and, if necessary, come to the aid of each other even with a constant lack of time.
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- Why do we trust the internet so much?
At the same time, the Internet makes a simple and natural step towards new acquaintances. “All barriers are being removed: neither age, nor distance, nor social affiliation are no longer an obstacle to starting relationships,” says social psychologist Margarita Zhamkochyan. – And they really start – sometimes we think about our virtual friend every day, regularly write messages to him, answer his letters, share his thoughts and mood with him. Can this be called friendship? At least one of the options – certainly. Psychologist Alexander Voiskunsky agrees with this: “The concept of “friendship” is actively developing precisely thanks to social networks. And it is possible that along with the “childhood friend” or “old family friend” there will soon be a “friend on Facebook” or “friend on VKontakte.” With the people we choose to be friends with, we will have a lot in common: professional interests, intellectual needs, perhaps common personal and family problems and ways to solve them. Therefore, virtual friendship will gradually become filled with participation, empathy and responsibility, as in classic friendships.
Who’s there?
Facebook and Vkontakte: allow you to instantly see the friend feed, send private and public messages, go to friends of your friends, find people of interest to us, chat in real time. In Russia, Facebook has about 5 million users.
Classmates: a social network of 148 million registered users, among whom we can find friends at school, university, military service or a long-abandoned place of work.
ICQ and other Internet pagers: allow you to instantly send messages to chat directly with those who are accepted in our contact list. As soon as one of our friends connects, we get a notification in real time.
Self esteem meter
By the beginning of 2012, the share of Russian Internet users reached 55% of the country’s population, of which 82%* were registered in social networks. Every day there are 19,6 million people on VKontakte, about 12,8 million on Odnoklassniki, 1,9 million on LiveJournal, and 1,8 million on Facebook**. Offering to publicize our tastes and hobbies, photos and videos, family concerns and political allegiances, communities and blogs give us plenty of reasons to start a conversation or invite new people to connect. “On Facebook, I received a lot of friend invites from people who said they liked the poignant moments in my statements,” says 45-year-old Olga. The increase in the number of online friends, their positive response to our records, dozens of birthday greetings – all this works for our ego, satisfies the natural desire to be accepted and approved. “Social media acts as a measure of self-esteem,” explains psychoanalyst Michael Stora. “By ‘renarcissizing’ those who need it – people with low self-esteem, survivors of drama, those in isolation – they make it easier to connect with others.” Indeed, we are much more courageous in inviting someone as a friend when two hundred friends already appear in our profile – if the offer is ignored, this will no longer deal a blow to our pride. The main thing is that the number of friends does not exceed our ability to fully communicate with each of them. “Most likely, the desire to have as many virtual friends as possible is temporary,” says Alexander Voiskunsky. “It’s just that we master new technologies with the enthusiasm of a student, and when the enthusiasm is replaced by a habit, there will be a balance between quantity and quality.”
Help and support
On the Web, we often look for those who have experienced a situation comparable to ours and are ready to share their experiences: with the birth of a child, divorce, illness, job search or adaptation in a new environment. Hundreds of forums on resources such as Mail.ru, 7ya.ru, Doctor.ru allow you to establish connections based on the exchange of information, sympathy and mutual assistance. “After the stress I went through, I got bulimic, I ate something all the time, I was ashamed of my growing weight and bouts of nausea, I stopped inviting friends over,” says 30-year-old Maria. “On the bulimiastop.ru forum, I was able to meet people who understand this problem, who are ready to discuss it, to help with specific advice.” “At thematic forums, we feel that we are not alone, that we are involved in a certain community of people – those who have experienced the same thing as us,” explains psychologist Yevgeny Osin. – In addition, thanks to the anonymity of Internet communication, the effect of confession arises, as with a random fellow traveler on a train. Fear of rejection is one of the strongest fears, so when dealing with people who care about us, we are often afraid to open up to the end. And talking about ourselves to virtual acquaintances on the Internet, we can realize those feelings that we were afraid to admit to ourselves.”
Easier connections
In friendly communication on the Internet, we feel liberated also because we are not constrained by the physical presence of the interlocutor and we are ready to tell more intimate things about ourselves than we would dare in a personal meeting. Communication with a friend on the Internet gives us the feeling of the constant presence of another in a common space for us. “At the same time, we never know if he is there right at the moment, whether he reads what we write, whether he truly empathizes with us – and this is a kind of “absent presence,” Evgeny Osin warns. In the web space, we seem to give up the desire to become necessary for another. “There is a risk of being satisfied with a relationship that is not too “involved”, while physicality is necessary for friendship,” warns psychoanalyst Loïck Roche. “There are situations when words alone are not enough, when they will not replace a look, a hug, a physical presence.” Indeed, sometimes we really need to see our friends, visit them, laugh and worry together, feel their shoulder, and not just exchange dry information and remember their birthday thanks to the Facebook “reminder”.
* twitter.com/#!/johnsentamu
* All-Russian poll of VTsIOM, February 4–5, 2012.
** According to the sociological service TNS Web Index (Russia), August 2011 (excluding cities with a population of less than 100 people).
Children settled on the Internet
“Teenagers spend too much time on the Web”, “My son only chats with peers”, “My daughter is interested in the number of valentines that VKontakte assigned her … Adults are very worried that their children’s communication has moved to the virtual space. Meanwhile, communication on the Internet is a modern form of socialization, a way of knowing oneself and society. Here, young people learn to publicly express their thoughts and listen to others, share their impressions and speak sincerely about their feelings. In teenage communities, everything is serious – friendships, quarrels, resentments, discussions, falling in love … And there is almost no danger that adults will condemn their sincerity and openness. “There is no need to be afraid that an intense online life will limit the ability of a teenager to socialize,” says child psychologist Daniel Marcelli (Daniel Marcelli). “The peak of interest in web communication usually occurs at 15 years old, and then it gradually subsides to make room and time for real relationships.”
Of course, communication in social networks is not always safe. First, it can take away time from study and sleep. Secondly, a pedophile, extortionist or criminal may be hiding under the nickname. And the task of adults is to warn the child so that he would never give his full name, address and phone number online, would not agree to meetings with virtual acquaintances in private.