If a child is accustomed to obey his parents, he is used to doing what is said to the voice of his parents, he is controlled by his parents. When he brings this voice into himself, he gets the opportunity to control himself.
Will is the inner, internalized voice of the parents that tells what needs to be done.
When children worry in response to the demands of their parents, this is self-will. But it is not independence that grows out of this, but an inability to fulfill what the child has already outlined for himself and demands from himself.
From the point of view of the synthon approach, the game «internal saboteur» is born in childhood, like many other manipulative games. Children in the process of such games learn protests and insults, fatigue and tears. Three typical games — Durik, Victim and Buyanka.
They demand from me, they make noise at me — and I will make a stupid face and refuse to understand anything at all. And what will you do with me then? The child plays Durik.
They told me quietly — I did not hear. They raised their voices at me, and I shouted indignantly in response. Hit — arrange a tantrum. This tactic of intimidating parents is Buyanka’s tactic.
They asked me, I didn’t. I was reproached — I lowered my shoulders and burst into tears unhappily. The girl shows with her whole appearance: “You know, now I can’t do it, I can’t do it, and the desire has disappeared; and as soon as you talk to me like that, I even lose all desire.” This is the game Unfortunate Victim. Question: who kills this desire? Not mom, not dad, but a girl. But soon the parents are trained, and they know that girls need a special approach. Because when you goo her they said she was upset, she started crying, everything stopped working out for her, and she couldn’t cope with the task in any way; you yourself are to blame for this, because why did they raise their voices at her?
Open protests, playing Buyanka, are taught more often by energetic boys, tears and unfortunate helplessness (the game «Unfortunate Victim») are taught first of all by quiet girls. Why? Because dads are condescending to girls, and you can play for pity with mom. However, creative children try everything: they start with the Unfortunate Victim, if their parents insist, they turn on Durik, if they don’t fall behind on this, they arrange Buyanka. Next to loving parents and making a fuss is a joy!
Most parents are familiar with this childish behavior, the continuation is interesting: what does it turn into later? As soon as the girl realized that she can do it, that it works, she always starts doing it, she gets used to doing it. This becomes a trait of her character: if a girl likes what and how her parents say, she does it, and if she doesn’t like it, she turns on the “internal saboteur”, after which you will not achieve results by any means. And parents soon learn: if you want to achieve a result from a girl, don’t push, don’t rush. Say and wait. until she decides what to do. Because she has such a character that it is impossible to command her! She needs to — tune in, understand?
How does it end? It ends with a very unexpected and unpleasant thing. Two decades have passed, the parents somehow fulfilled their parental duties, the daughter went into free swimming, into a great life. If she comes at the disposal of her husband, and now her husband solves problems for her, as her parents used to, she simply moved from one service situation to another, and there it is bargained for what she will do and what she will not. But after some time, more often at the age of 30-40, a woman enters a situation where no one else takes special care of her, when only she herself can seriously take care of herself. But for the last 30-40 years she has developed a habit: when she is told “go and do it”, she always answered “necessary” with “if necessary, I don’t want to”. She already says to herself: here is the list of tasks for the day, I need to do this — and in her soul she suddenly hears a familiar voice: “I don’t want to!”
Nearby, someone can rebuild instantly: they gave a new task — a person entered it in a second. And she can’t. She wasn’t used to doing something like that all at once. She is used to organizing a small theater around any business, she always needs a break. she needs to tune in! And she slows down.
In addition, a woman wants to be feminine, and since feminine weakness is included in the ordinary idea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXbfemininity, the result is that a woman is weak even when she wants to control herself. And once she says to herself “it is necessary”, but suddenly she is faced with the fact that already on her own “need” she has weakness and protest. This is also the Inner Wrecker.
Where does the inner saboteur come from?
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Our character is the product of our habits, and our habitual emotions are simply our habits. We do it all ourselves. If a girl in childhood taught herself to spoil her health and mood, when they addressed her insanely and strictly said “it is necessary”, a protest against any orders appeared in her character. Similarly, if a girl in childhood always made herself “inner sunshine” and “good” in response to a kind treatment towards her, this will also become her character trait: responsiveness to a kind word.
But pay attention: in all these cases, we spoil our mood and cheer ourselves up — we ourselves.
If you want your child to be able to confidently and reliably manage himself (“The man said — the man did!”), Your child should do what you told him, when you told him to do it and in the way you told him .
This is the basis for the formation of the will.
And how to format the already existing «internal saboteur»?
You can work with children at the level of the body. The fact is that not a single “internal saboteur” works without expressive movements, this is always expressed in the face, eyes, movements of the shoulders, arms and changes in intonation. If a girl doesn’t like something and she starts to play the «inner saboteur», ask: «Now please go out and come back here with a different face.» Or: “And you need to respond to this with what intonation? Let me tell you the words and tell you the intonation. You can do it, you are talented!” If you carefully follow the external expression: behind the shoulders, behind the eyes, especially behind phrases and intonations, this will be quite enough. The fact is that a person’s soul and body are tied in an inseparable way, and if the body is controlled, then it is already impossible to make a wrong, protest reaction in the soul. It seems surprising, but it’s true — check it out!
All the scarecrows about the fact that in this case there is a suppression of emotions are empty. The suppression of emotions occurs when an “internal saboteur” is first developed, when an internal protest flares up, and then, when the fire of protest has flared up and crossed all reasonable boundaries, it must already be extinguished — this is where suppression occurs. But if initially you do not allow unnecessary emotions to flare up and flare up, then there is nothing to suppress, because nothing happens. Then all unnecessary psychology disappears, life turns out to be simple: «It is said and done.»
And how to work with ourselves when our Inner Saboteur turns on in us? If you love psychotherapy, work with your subpersonalities, get to know your Inner Wrecker. Draw him, talk to him, understand his benefits, negotiate with him … And if you are a business person and you are not interested in such psychotherapy, then it’s even easier: become attentive and, without succumbing to internal resistance, start doing what you need. You are stronger than this bad habit. If it’s difficult, think about how to help yourself — maybe remove distracting interference (TV), maybe find yourself in a working environment where it’s customary to work more often, and not sigh drearily. One way or another, but the old habit goes away when a new habit is formed in its place. And your new habit: “It is said and done!”