Until recently, it was difficult to imagine a man on parental leave. And now this topic is being actively discussed. Who decides on this – henpecked, loafer or eccentric? “A normal father, I don’t see anything unusual in this situation,” says Intars Busulis, singer, participant of the “Three Chords” show, dad of four children. At one time, he spent a year at home with his newborn son.
7 September 2019
“I myself am from a large family. I have two sisters and two brothers. We always got along well with each other, there was no time to clarify the relationship, we were always in business: music school, drawing, folk dances, we didn’t even ride a bike – there was no time, – recalls Intars. – I can’t say that I dreamed that I would have many children, but it certainly didn’t scare me. It’s great when there are brothers and sisters. Always there is a close person to whom you can turn to, discuss something.
I was 23 when my wife and I had our first child. I don’t think it’s early. But now Lenny is 17 years old, and I myself am still young (Busulis is 41 years old. – Approx. “Antenna”). When my son was born, I served in the army, played the trombone in the orchestra of the National Armed Forces of Latvia. But due to disagreements with the authorities, I was fired. I was out of work for a year. Was ready to take on any, but could not find anything. And Inga and I have a small child, rented housing, now one apartment, then another. The conditions were difficult: somewhere there was no water, the other had to be heated with wood. Only my wife worked. Inga was a waitress in a hotel restaurant. She not only earned, but also brought home food. It was okay then. So we have always been provided with breakfasts ”.
Intars with the eldest daughter Amelia.
“My wife worked, and I worked with my son. I didn’t consider it a problem for myself, a terrible situation, it was just the circumstances. Yes, we had grandparents, but we did not turn to them for help, we are like this: if there is no serious reason, we always cope on our own. Did mothers with children pay special attention to me? Do not know. I didn’t even think about it, I didn’t have a complex about it. But I had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with my son, watch how he grows, changes, learns to walk, speak. By the way, the first word he uttered was tetis, which means “papa” in Latvian.
I do not know why anyone thinks that it is humiliating for a man to stay at home with a child. I confess that it is now easier for me to play a concert for 11 thousand people than to spend a day with a baby at home alone. The child drags you everywhere: either demands food, then play with him, then you need to feed him, then put him to bed. And you must always be on the alert. “
In March 2018, Busulis became a father for the fourth time. With son Janis.
“Since 2004, men in Latvia can take maternity leave. Among my acquaintances there are those who have used this right. I myself would have done it with pleasure, if necessary. Although there are still those who think: I am only a man if I bring money home. But I know from myself that they are not interesting to anyone if you do not behave like a father at home. I think a man should not just work, be a “wallet”, physical strength, a business leader; if there are children, he must first of all be a dad, a support for his half. If your wife wants to work, but it is a pleasure for you to be with your child and you can afford it, why not? Or when her income is much more than yours, I think it is better to give her the opportunity to stay in business, it is more useful for your family.
Being a good parent is a big job and, I think, the most difficult job in the world. What I learned during my time with my son was patience. Let’s say a child wakes up at night, cries, he needs to change his diaper, and you don’t want to get up, but you have to. And you do it. Taking care of a child, you also educate yourself. You convince yourself that you need to spend time and energy to teach him many things, even as simple as going to the potty, and then you will be easier and calmer later. It takes a lot of effort, and you patiently and consistently accustom him to everything, and when finally everything works out, you proudly say: he knows how to hold a spoon, eat and even goes to the toilet himself. And what work has been done to get such a result! “
With his wife Inga at the beginning of their relationship.
“I always try to be peaceful with children. Although they, of course, show character, try to bend under themselves. But the child should not be allowed to manipulate you, indulge his whims. And you, as an adult, insist on your own; at some point, he surrenders to you at your mercy, and it becomes easier for him.
Do not give in to impulses. When the baby has fallen, I want to immediately run up to him, pick him up, help. But you see that he is not in pain, although he is crying. You wait for the child to get up by himself. Thus, you teach him to cope with such situations on his own.
Sometimes I watch other parents have children in the shops freaking out, demanding toys that they want to get here and now. They arrange scenes, hoping that they will not be denied. And our children firmly know that it is useless to behave like that, everything must be earned. And if they pay attention to something in the store, we tell them: “Say goodbye to the toy and let’s go.” This does not mean that we refuse them all. We have a house full of toys, but they receive them not with the help of whims, but as a surprise, encouragement.
If, for example, they cleaned up, washed the dishes, fed the cat, took a walk with the dog, or for some reason – for a holiday or a birthday. And not just “I want – get it.” We are not hard-hearted at all, we want to please children, to please them. Moreover, there are opportunities, but it is not right for a child to think that if he wants to, he will get everything at once. “
The same son Lenny, whom his father nursed the first year of his life, Raymond Pauls and the artist himself.
“In 2003, after a year of my stay at home, a friend called me and said that he was creating a jazz group and they needed a singer. I objected to him: “I’m a trombonist,” and he recalled that in my youth I sang in an ensemble. Says: “Come on, I have a hack, and you have two weeks to prepare 12 jazz pieces.” Of course, I was pleased that there was work. He offered 50 lats for a concert, about 70 euros, very good money at that time. This proposal became the starting point in my musical career …
When I got a job, my wife stayed in the same place, because we were not sure that I would have all this for a long time. Inga was a good employee, she was appreciated, she developed up the career ladder. And then our daughter was born, and we could afford to have my wife go on maternity leave.
We now have four children. Lenny, the eldest son, is leaving school next year. He is a talented guy, he is fond of sports, but he also has a good voice. Daughter Emilia 12, she studies at a music school, plays the saxophone, at heart she is a real actress. Amalia is 5 years old, goes to kindergarten, loves philosophizing about life, dances and makes us happy with all kinds of talents. And baby Janis will soon be one and a half years old, and he seems to understand everything already ”.
“In our family it is not customary to talk about work, there is not even a TV at home, so my participation in the show“ Three Chords ”, no matter how much I want, is not followed by the children. We do not impose our tastes on them in anything, including music.
We are lucky that we can afford not to take a nanny, we cope on our own and there is no need to seek help from a stranger. I think it is much more useful to pass on your experience to a child than if it was done by another person, whose ideas about life, perhaps, do not correspond to ours. But we do not refuse the help of grandparents. We are one family. Now I alone am responsible for our family budget. You can say that only my wife works, and I’m just a performer, a singer. “