Educated people rarely use reproaches and accusations. Learning to communicate without blame is worth it. While the relationship is normal, try to avoid reproaches and accusations, this will help you achieve the desired result faster and maintain a good relationship.
If one blames the other for the conflict, as a rule, this is not an intellectual, not a reasonable, but an emotional decision. More often this is the result of the fact that negativity is raging in the soul, you want to hit another, and the accusation is a strong blow. To blame is to delve into the past, it is not constructive. Like typical conflictogens, everyday accusations give rise to a desire to respond in kind and provoke the development of conflicts. How to act more intelligently — see Instead of Blaming, Reasonable Conflict Behavior and Conflict Prevention
Everyday accusations of raising children are not only ineffective, but also cause the child to want to behave badly. See Household Charges for Raising Children.
Most often, people throw household accusations thoughtlessly, without noticing them. Learn to notice your accusations and clear your speech of them. How?
Make a list of your typical phrases — everyday accusations (Until when … How could you? Because of you … etc.), print it on A4 sheet in large print and hang it at home in a conspicuous place.
Ask your loved ones to tell you when you forget and they hear these phrases from you. When prompted, do (for example) 10 squats, thank, and apologize to the one in whose direction you used these reproaches. Repeat your appeal with the correct wording, in the form of a request. See How to wean yourself from blame.
Reproach is a small blow. It is good when the blow is not from evil and can be sustained.
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Use requests and suggestions instead of accusations. “Why are you sitting here, not helping me in the kitchen?!” “Please help me in the kitchen, we will prepare breakfast faster!” «Because of you, we’re late!» — «I have a request for you — next time prepare all your things in advance so that we are not in such a hurry»
And how to say that you do not like, so that it does not sound like a reproach? Just two things: say it calmly and not categorically, in a willingness to discuss your opinion. “In my opinion, you are now harsh” — if it is said calmly, this is not a reproach.
Practice describing your state (I-messages). “You never consult with me and always decide everything yourself!” is a typical accusation. I-statement will sound more softly: “You know, it’s unpleasant for me when you solve important issues without me. It is important for me to participate in issues that concern both of us. I may be wrong, but we need to discuss this issue together.”
If the issue is serious, you simply put the issue up for discussion and start negotiating.
Summary. As long as the relationship is good,
- Avoid accusations.
- Use requests and suggestions instead of accusations. Your rationale may be a description of your condition.
- If the issue is serious, sit down and start discussing the issue.