Revolutions, wars, repressions, the construction of socialism, the collapse of the USSR… How does the dramatic history of the XNUMXth century affect the modern Russian family? We find out with the psychoanalyst Maria Timofeeva.
Psychologies: Often we hear that the institution of the family has become obsolete, the meaning of marriage has been lost, family boundaries are blurred. And yet, many people decide to start a family. How can our past affect their fate?
Maria Timofeeva: In the XNUMXth century, the family model was completely destroyed in Russia and the ability to transfer culture from one generation to another was lost. Following the culturologist Adam Kerem, I understand culture as a set of samples specific to each nation. How we build relationships, how we raise children, what kind of food we cook, how we work, trade or cultivate fields — all this is included in the concept of culture. It is transmitted through the bearer of culture from the generation that has already died to the generation that has not yet been born.
Culture is absorbed from the air, adopted completely unconsciously. She cannot be taught. But after the revolution, we broke down, and instead of culture, ideology began to be broadcast — something artificial, invented from the head. One of the main theses of this ideology was: the family is a relic of the past, it must die. Add to this the physical destruction of the carriers of culture — almost 10 million children in the 1920s were left without fathers. Plus immigration. And this is only the beginning of the century.
What happened to the family then?
For many years, the main thing was not the family, but society. The man himself was not important, what was important was what he did for society. The idea that a child is the greatest value, that he is just beginning and that he must be carefully treated, did not take root. Children were to be disciplined and obedient. From them raised comfortable citizens. We are still facing the consequences of this approach. “You never know what you want” or “you never know what you think” are common phrases among Russian parents.
It is extremely difficult for all of us to build families, we do not have a model
A huge number of children were brought up in orphanages. If both parents were repressed, the children were sent to camps for children of enemies of the people, where they were forced to abandon their parents. Many children did not even know who their parents were or where they were. The families did not talk about it, they kept it a secret. It was a matter of survival. It was necessary to hide the repressed, relatives abroad, those who were in captivity and in the occupied territory. All this destroyed the family, was directed against her. And it is still not customary to tell children that they are adopted.
How do we experience this past today?
We still carry it with us. It is extremely difficult for all of us to build families, we have no model. We can really want, try, but not everyone will succeed. Try to remember how many really prosperous families you personally know? I am one. The only thing that saves us today is that someone still managed to “slip through”. Otherwise, how could the tiny streams of that distant culture have reached us?
There is, of course, another way: consciously, intentionally recreate — read, find patterns, follow them, develop … And there are families who try to follow this path. But often couples still quarrel, conflict, do not withstand the features of the other, break down, leave. Due to an inherited injury, the margin of safety for the spouses is very small. Not enough internal resource.
The human psyche is formed by the relationships that he had in childhood.
Explain what kind of injury you are talking about.
About the trauma that previous generations received and which is transmitted further. Those who went through the war or the camps cannot work through it — they lack mental strength. They are characterized by a flight into normality: «It was scary, but I heroically overcame everything.» This is an unconscious process when a person becomes limited, does not allow complex mental movements. Because any movement can push back into an unlived trauma.
As a rule, such people are concentrated on simple values. For example, so that there is enough food (and therefore they have two refrigerators at home). The trauma begins to be lived partly by the children of the children of the war, but more by their grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
What do they feel? Rather, how do we feel?
Representatives of these generations are worried about something vague, unconditioned. They face experiences about which they can neither say nor understand anything. For example, one of my patients did not know that her grandmother was in exile, but every time when it came to repression, she began to cry. In the end, she found the answer … And sometimes it can come in a dream.
How do we inherit the past?
The human psyche is shaped by the relationships that he had in childhood. In psychoanalysis they are called object: strong and weak; aggressor and victim; greedy and hungry. In our families, totalitarian object relations were adopted — relations of subordination. Personality is not important in them, and it cannot develop. Good objects were necessarily weak, while all-powerful objects were cruel, cold, and sadistic.
It is important to take a responsible attitude to the life and upbringing of children, to refuse to plunge into the «sleep of the mind» in front of the TV
Totalitarian relations in the family are possible in all societies. But if life is not arranged in a totalitarian way, it is difficult to project these relations into it. We are still backing them up.
How are these relationships transmitted to the child?
Parents can be totalitarian objects that require complete submission, including complete submission to thought. For example, a mother knows exactly what her child needs: «Put on a hat, you’re cold.» And since the task of the child is to adapt to the family, he can only obey it.
But there is another way of transmission: parents are perceived as warm and good, but weak — they themselves are victims of an all-powerful cruel object (the state). When a child grows up, he can become just as good and kind, but absolutely untenable in life. Or, on the contrary, it can join the powerful machine of totalitarianism.
What can help us?
Try to revive and revive. At the individual level, psychoanalysis and psychotherapy help. It is important to take a responsible attitude to the life and upbringing of children, to refuse to plunge into the «sleep of the mind» in front of the TV. And at the level of society, it is necessary to deal with the processing of this cargo, just as it was done in Germany.
When crimes are called crimes, the situation changes: there is a dialogue, there is a discussion in society, the past is analyzed in the press and in school history books. But this task is designed for decades. Unfortunately, there are no signs yet that it will be addressed.