Ingrid Chauvin: open-hearted confessions

Ingrid Chauvin: “Jade is in my heart and in my head 24 hours a day”

What message did you want to convey while writing this book?

First of all, I wanted to put my pain into words. I was in a kind of dead end, I couldn’t express, externalize what I was feeling. Writing has freed me in a way. I also wanted to share. I admit that I myself needed to immerse myself in the testimonies of parents who had gone through this ordeal. I told myself that it could bring a form of appeasement to these families, help them move forward on their journey.

Was it an important step in your reconstruction?

Yes, although I still feel extremely fragile. This book is also the testimony of the unconditional love I have for my daughter. There is something that will last over time and that was important to me. It is a way of making it exist symbolically.

You quickly got back to work. A way of continuing to live …

It was a way of filling my head with positive things. We need that to move forward and stand up, it helps to be stronger. I wanted to immerse myself in the work, in the shootings and especially to make the scene in a register of comedy. It may seem complicated when you are in this state but it brings me a lot of good. And the exchange with the public is absolutely extraordinary. All these people who have been writing to me for months, and who have come to see me at the theater.

You also talk a lot about supporting your husband. Is it an essential pillar?

Indispensable, yes. Without him, I wouldn’t have been able to hold out. I think our love is our strength. We both really move forward, hand in hand. I realize I have this chance. Many couples break up after such an ordeal. Many women write to me telling me that with their husbands the subject has become taboo.

What advice would you like to give to these families?

I think writing is extremely important. If the book hadn’t been edited, it wouldn’t have been a big deal. For me, the important thing was to succeed in doing it. This allows me to begin this long journey of mourning. Besides, I always continue to write what I feel, what I live, my thoughts.

In your book, you say that you always have Jade’s comforter and pacifier with you. One way to keep your daughter with you?

Yes, in my dressing room, I have Jade’s little blanket with me. It is very symbolic. My daughter is present in my heart, in my head 24 hours a day, wherever I am, whatever I do. It’s a little symbol like it’s actually there.

You learned of her malformation the day you left the maternity ward. Did you resent the medical profession for not having diagnosed his pathology earlier?

No, the only thing that would have changed is that I could have organized my delivery at the Necker hospital. We do not interrupt pregnancies for this kind of pathology, which can be treated and works very well. In Necker, there are 30 operations per cardiac surgeon every month.

You say in your book that Jade kept smiling, despite the operations. She was a fighter. Does she get that from you?

From me and her daddy, actually. Our strength of character allows us to move forward, to try to get up despite the ordeal …

As you point out, and we understand it very well, you have experienced the worst. Can you believe in the best today?

When we are faced with this situation and faced with this unspeakable pain, what can happen next can only be better. Whatever happens, the worst is done, we let things happen.

You recently obtained approval to adopt a child. A new hope then?

It is the continuation which is much more complicated. We find ourselves like thousands of parents waiting for this famous phone call. It can happen tomorrow as in 1 or 2 years… This vision gives us hope even if the conditions of adoption are very difficult.

We learn in your book that this desire to adopt was present before the birth of Jade?

Yes. I think this urge came to me at the dawn of my thirtieth year. And this is something that we brought up naturally and quickly with my husband. We met when we were almost 40, we were quite mature, and neither of us had children. It was also exhilarating to know that we were going to make this thing happen for the first time together. After a natural first baby, what we really hoped for was to adopt. It was part of our conception of the family.

Speaking of your future children, you say: I already love them …

Yes, I can’t wait for them to read these few lines. I also want to start another story about welcoming these children, this new love, this path of life.

You don’t rule out having another child naturally?

Neither, even if psychologically speaking, it is much more difficult. I kind of have to speed up the healing …

Is the time of mourning a source of additional pressure?

I would really like to be much younger to allow time, which is not allowed to me. And then, having had a first miscarriage experience that has nothing to do with the drama, is already a trauma. Jade arrived a year later. It took a long time. Can we be able to bring life back when we carry death so heavily on our shoulders? It is a question. But, it is true that I do not want to have, at the dawn of my 50 years, this regret of not having tried. And one does not prevent the other. This idea of ​​the tribe of the heart is extremely present. I also think that having several children with me would be easier for me to not be in the comparison.

Your mother had you rather young, at 17 and a half, your grandmother had your mother at 16. You have chosen to wait. Yet very young already, you already felt this desire for motherhood …

Yes the “and a half” is very important to her! I waited because I had a real need for maturity.

Has your career been a drag?

Not at all. It has never been a problem for me. I needed to be mature, to take care of “my little neuroses”. I wanted to be ready, to feel good with myself so that I could give the best to my child. And then the experience of my parents marked me a little. I wanted a peaceful, joyful, harmonious home. I had this crazy desire for my children to grow up with their mom and dad. So we had to make the right choice and wait. I do not regret even if the desire for motherhood has always been present. As a teenager, I also trained on my little brother …

The news of your daughter’s death moved the greatest number. Did you expect such support from the public?

Honestly no. I was very touched, moved. I thank people for their support and their thousands of messages that continue today.  

Encouragement that made you want to create an association in memory of Jade?

When I realized the extent of this enthusiasm, I said to myself that if each person only paid a symbolic euro, we could do great and beautiful things.

Tell us more about this association.

I have partnered with the Necker Hospital for two projects at the moment. The first consists of acquiring accompanying beds for all the rooms of the hospital, which allow parents to sleep with their child. The hospital stay is thus much less psychologically traumatic. I lived it, I haven’t always had a bed. On the other hand, I was lucky to live in Paris, which is not the case for all parents. Seeing these families sleeping in hallways, on chairs in total disarray was overwhelming. I wanted to lend my image to help. This project will come to fruition, I am very happy. The second project concerns surgical robotization, which would save nearly 200 lives per year. For me, this a priority. I really want this project to succeed.

Is it for Jade too?

Yes of course, I love this power that she wields over me. She carries me a lot. I sometimes feel like I’m guided by her. I would never have imagined, a few years ago, to undertake this kind of thing. And today, I do it very naturally, as if I was no longer afraid of anything. ÇIt seems so important to me to do it, and I have only one desire, to be the godmother of the first child who will be saved by this robot.

Open Heart, Ed. Plon, available March 12, 2015