Infernal Circle of Jealousy

Many have experienced the pain of jealousy. When we realize (or assume) that we are forever losing the love of a loved one, we feel unbearable sadness, loneliness and insecurity, we feel a passionate desire to take revenge on a rival (or partner) or even kill him and die ourselves.

Then, when the attack passes, we ask ourselves: what happened to me? But the answer is different for everyone. Because although jealousy is essentially a universal emotion, in each case it has its own unique individual pattern. Let’s try to understand how and when this feeling arises and why it manifests itself in different ways.

Gamma experiences

One of the most complex emotional experiences, jealousy combines a whole range of feelings, thoughts, and affects. Fear and anger are perhaps the strongest of them, they determine not only the shades, but also the strength of this experience, provoke unexpected forms of behavior that are often unusual for a person in a different situation.

The American psychologist, author of the book The Psychology of Emotions, Carroll Izard, explains it this way: when we feel that we are losing love and close attention, we understand that we have been deceived, rejected, we lose a sense of security, security and feel fear. Anger arises when attempts to maintain a position in a relationship with a loved one, to regain his attention, turn out to be fruitless.

We can say that we are jealous when we realize that the person we love no longer belongs to us. But why can some of us gradually come to terms with this loss, while others experience pain again and again?

Where does it come from

According to psychoanalysts, jealousy begins in early childhood. It is so strong that it leaves an imprint for life. And when, as adults, we are jealous of a partner, we only relive that old childhood pain.

“Jealousy is often based on the disappointment of a child who realizes that he is not alone with his mother, that there is also a father, brother or sister, to whom the mother also gives love and care,” explains psychoanalyst Mikhail Romashkevich.

For some, this experience becomes the first emotional wound – the child is faced with his powerlessness to change anything. Over time, this resentment ceases to be realized and remains in the soul as a stigma, reminiscent of an unsatisfied need for love.

If parents do not let the child feel that they are still loved (even if there is a brother or sister), then later relationships with any partners will always seem insufficient to make up for it. Jealousy will become a part of life – because no one should be completely trusted.

“In addition, during the oedipal phase, at the age of three to six years, the child begins to fight for the love of a parent of the opposite sex and compete in this struggle with a parent of the same sex,” continues Mikhail Romashkevich. This competition is also accompanied by intense jealousy.

If a child can survive the pain of loss, come to terms with the fact that in this struggle he is doomed to defeat (after all, a mother will not love her son as an adult man, and a father will not love her daughter as an adult woman), he will be able to do inner work and identify with his parent. sex, having learned all its valuable qualities.

With this outcome, jealousy will become a positive feeling, an incentive to work on yourself, to great achievements.

Desire for treason

Before marriage, 33-year-old Andrei led a frivolous lifestyle, adding to the list of conquered hearts. Since then, he has mellowed out. His wife is faithful to him. She dresses modestly, her behavior is far from defiant. Despite this, Andrey is in the throes of jealousy and accuses her of flirting with other men.

In this situation, the so-called projected jealousy manifests itself, which Sigmund Freud described in his work “On the Neurotic Mechanisms in Jealousy, Paranoia and Homosexuality”: defending himself from his own desire for infidelity, a person “imputes infidelity on the partner’s fault” – thereby he transfers attention from his own unconscious to the unconscious of another person.

In other words, Andrei suspects his wife of what he himself is experiencing deep inside. This allows him to free himself from the desire itself, and from the guilt it caused.

Natural feeling…

“Jealousy is a normal feeling. If it is absent, it is only because it has become the object of powerful suppression. And therefore, having gone into the unconscious, it plays an even more significant role, ”said Sigmund Freud.

39-year-old Mikhail believes that he is no longer able to be jealous, because he “got jealous enough in childhood”: there were five brothers in his family, and he felt abandoned and useless.

“Jealousy? As an adult, I found a good antidote for her – indifference. As soon as the woman I like begins to provoke this feeling in me, I instantly lose interest in her and begin to despise her.

It seems to Mikhail that he does not feel jealous, because he is jealous too much. He suppresses his feelings, unconsciously feeling that they can destroy him. So he protects himself from the resurrection of unbearable childhood pain, feelings of abandonment and loneliness, something that he never learned to cope with.

…which can develop into an obsession…

“It is quite natural to experience one or more conflicts associated with jealousy during a lifetime,” says French social psychologist Catherine Antony. – But you should be wary if your fears about the infidelity of a loved one take the form of obsession: it becomes difficult to think about something else, in a fit of jealousy you are capable of inappropriate actions. In the most extreme cases, such conditions can threaten the integrity of the human psyche and even lead to murder or suicide.”

46-year-old Leonid tells about such “attacks” of jealousy. “I have been married twice. And both wives left me because I was pathologically jealous of them. For example, when the first wife spoke on the phone in a muffled voice, I turned into hearing and it was as if a scarlet veil fell over my eyes. If I heard: “Come on, bye, I kiss you,” then I simply pulled the cord out of the socket and smashed the phone.

For the second, I suddenly came to the office in the middle of the day – she worked with my friend. If he saw them together, he approached, affectionately said: “Let’s go, we have things to do.” And looked at the reaction. She screamed, blushed, cried. Well, sure, I thought, it’s dirty. The important thing is that I never raised my hands against her. But he threatened to threaten, for example, that I would take away the children.

Pathological types of jealousy are caused primarily by the desire to completely possess another person and the fear of losing him.

“Such an emotional dependence is due to the fact that a jealous person has an unconscious idea that he cannot live without a loved one,” explains Mikhail Romashkevich. “He doesn’t feel like he exists without a partner, just as a baby doesn’t feel like he exists without a mother. Such a person has not mastered the set of skills for independent living, and he needs a mother figure who breathes life into him.

…or may hide homosexual desires

There is a form of jealousy when feelings are directed not at a partner, but at an opponent (rival). For example, a woman may be unconsciously attracted to her husband’s mistress and suffer because she loves him and not her. And insane jealousy only expresses her repressed homosexual desire.

The story of 36-year-old Svetlana perfectly illustrates how this feeling manifests itself: “I lived with Boris for three years, and the reason for our breakup was his profession – he is a gynecologist. I could no longer bear the thought of him seeing female genitals all day long. Once I had to go to his work, where I first saw his patients. From that moment on, while making love, I imagined their breasts, their thighs. It was unbearable.”

“Behind jealousy and hatred of an opponent, love for him is often hidden,” says German psychoanalyst Peter Kutter. “But the contempt with which society treats such sympathy forces the jealous person to convince himself otherwise.” For example, in the fact that it is not he, but his partner who loves an opponent – thus, projecting homosexual fantasies and desires, he expels them from consciousness.

“A person experiencing such feelings,” continues Peter Kutter, “considers any act of a partner as evidence of her infidelity, despite the fact that he has no real reason to suspect her of anything.”

Self-Esteem Issues

37-year-old Ramil separated from his wife after five years of painful marriage. “My wife was jealous of my friends, made scenes. She could take my face in front of everyone and turn me in her direction. She called during meetings and demanded to report where I was, with whom, what I was doing – and God forbid I heard a woman’s voice in the receiver!

After giving birth, her condition only worsened, and I could not stand this hatred in her eyes and humiliating words addressed to me. It seems to me that her jealousy was caused by some kind of pathological self-doubt and therefore the desire for total control.

Fear of loss of love and jealousy are more experienced by people with low self-esteem. Treason (real or imaginary) is perceived by them as proof of their worthlessness – because deep down they are convinced that they are not worthy of a good attitude towards themselves. The slightest suspicion that a loved one has changed or fallen out of love with them humiliates their dignity.

“In this case, jealousy is caused by narcissistic resentment, which can significantly reduce self-esteem,” says Peter Kutter. “Hatred and a sense of revenge are only auxiliary means that help to endure humiliation and regain lost self-esteem. The victory of an opponent opens a person’s eyes to two circumstances: firstly, his love is not so priceless, and secondly, the object of love is lost. Jealousy, like a ruthless mirror, shows a person what he really is.

Jealousy cannot be cured, just as love cannot be cured. Jealousy cannot be denied, but you can prevent it from destroying you.

“On the contrary, the loss of love often pushes a person to change, to inner growth,” believes Mikhail Romashkevich. – And it helps to understand that in life, in addition to the good, there is a lot of unpleasant, painful. That the loss of love and our jealousy is an integral part of life. And the ability to experience them is one of the indicators of spiritual maturity.