Everyone at least once in their life has encountered unbearable people: in transport, on the roads, at work and, most difficult of all, at home. What to do when the interlocutor behaves inappropriately and a constructive dialogue is impossible? We share methods of communication with those whose behavior has gone beyond all limits.
How do we feel when dealing with a boss demanding the impossible? How to negotiate with a capricious child or an aggressive teenager? How to protect yourself from a manipulative colleague or put in place an absurd client with unfounded claims? Where to run from an eccentric wife, what to do with an elderly parent who requires excessive attention to himself? Ways to solve the situation are offered by psychiatrist and business coach Mark Goulston.
When planning a conversation, consider: is it worth it at all? Wouldn’t it be better to stay away from him? If this is not possible, you need to understand the reasons for the inappropriate behavior of the interlocutor. Communication on an equal footing, empathy and immersion in the problem will help you, and logical arguments, unfortunately, will be powerless.
Talking to the wrong person is like a battle of the titans, the most important thing is to keep your composure
The origins of the problem are in the wrong behavior of the parents of an irrational person. If in childhood he was overly pampered, criticized or ignored, then in adulthood he will behave irrationally in any situation that is unusual for him. Those who were treated with understanding and support by their parents stand on their feet more firmly, but they also have inadequate attacks in a stressful situation.
If an unbalanced person is close to you, it is definitely worth at least trying to find a compromise. The key to success in communicating with him is the ability to curb your “inner psycho”, because there is a share of irrationality in each of us. You cannot imagine how many wrong conclusions you make about others, looking at them through the prism of your own irrationality. What to do?
«back to the Future»
Perform the following exercise: analyze all the important events of the past that left an indelible mark on the soul, reactions to them, unsuccessful attempts to establish interaction with people. This will help you assess the baggage of negativity that you carry with you and understand the motives of your current actions.
Only after delving into your own “I”, finding the “Achilles heel” and properly strengthening it, you can try to build a constructive dialogue with another person.
Talking to the wrong person is like a battle of the titans, the most important thing is to keep your composure. Keep in mind that the opponent will try to knock you off balance, throw verbal grenades at you and wait for you to explode. Repeat to yourself: “This is a great opportunity to exercise self-control”, breathe deeply, remain calm.
Observe the behavior of the irrational and try to classify his «madness»
If necessary, leave the room, calm down, remember those who support you. What would they advise? As soon as you realize that the feeling of gratitude for the mentors has eclipsed the anger, return to the conversation. Calmly tell the interlocutor: “And what was that? What did you want to convey to me with this?
If you break loose, remove yourself, pause and take no action for 3 days. During this time, you will come to your senses, restore strength and inner balance.
Analyze your emotions: guilt, shame, fear, irritation. You can seek support from a loved one or a psychologist. Most importantly, don’t be tempted to give up.
apology, sympathy and disclosure
Try the ARI (Apology, Empathy, and Opening) technique. Sincerely apologize to the interlocutor if you were too harsh. Express sympathy that the person has to tolerate your behavior. Voice the dark and destructive thoughts that he probably has in connection with you and for which he may be ashamed.
Rehearse what you are going to say, you cannot improvise here. This technique, which is not easy to perform, can work wonders (however, it will not work to establish relations with a person who openly hates you and wishes you harm).
Finally, if the irrational is not among the people close to you, carefully observe his behavior and try to classify his “madness”: is it an ordinary person behaving inappropriately, or he may have serious mental disorders. If there is a chance to cope with ordinary people on their own, then only a doctor can help a mentally ill person.