Inadequate people: how to find an approach to them

Irina works in an educational center, she would consider this place ideal if it were not for her colleagues who make her life unbearable. Svetlana shares an office with Ira, she does not stop for a minute. Irinina’s immediate boss is a crazy workaholic, from morning to evening she whips up foam from instructions, remarks and threats. Ira feels guilty, although she understands that Svetlana is right by a third.

Most often, work brings Ira to Lilia, an excellent specialist who knows her own worth. But Lilia never participates in meetings in order to do what is convenient for her. She behaves arrogantly, next to her Ira feels fussy.

Another occupant of the office, Vyacheslav, is easy to work with, but he is always in a bad mood. Is always!

And finally, Igor, the head of the whole team, is a successful manager. By the way, the man is attractive. Unfortunately paranoid. He does not trust anyone, regards any mistake as malicious intent. During the period of remission, he becomes a father, everyone cries into his vest. And as an aggravation – he will squeeze this vest on your head.

What do Igor, Svetlana, Vyacheslav and Lilia have in common? All these are difficult people with whom it is difficult to work. How to protect yourself from such characters?

Refrain from labels

We consider these people inadequate. It would seem, well, okay, let’s think about others – beautiful! But no, they occupy all our thoughts and conversations. They dream of us. And we wake up armed with convincing diagnoses. “My department head is a hysteric”, “Our boss is a manipulator!”, “That guy from the advertising department is just a pervert.” After scouring the Internet, we reinforce the hated portraits with the names of mental disorders.

“When defining characters, we think that we can control their owners, because we “know” what to expect from them. But the label can be wrong!” says executive coach Helen Vecchiali. For example, what we consider to be paranoia may not be a mental defect, but the result of severe stress.

“Assume that someone’s bad behavior is caused by difficult circumstances that we may not be aware of,” advises psychologist Natalya Striyevskaya. – After all, it is not customary to talk about health and personal life problems in the work team. There are often good or even dramatic reasons.”

Look at yourself

Thinking about this article, I asked a friend, a lawyer: did she have colleagues who annoyed her? She said that she did not remember such people, but there were many cases when she herself turned out to be a source of problems in the office.

The key word here is “cases”: there are specific circumstances that provoke inappropriate behavior. Eldar Ryazanov in the film “Garage” has quite nice people who hate each other throughout the film. Yes, everyone has their own “cockroaches”. But they are not the reason. And the fact that someone from this company should lose the garage, and who – to decide the team. Here they drown their colleagues. As soon as the problem is closed, the relationship is improved.

Everyone knows such tense moments when we are ready to flare up, slam the door, break the contract, hang up, imagining that the whole world is against us. Which of us at least once in our lives has not been flushed with shame for our own harsh word or, on the contrary, for cowardly silence? Every day we face a choice, sometimes we make mistakes – and at this moment we turn out to be a weak link. But this does not mean that we will immediately be declared “difficult”, “conflict”, “uncomfortable”. Most likely, they will let them cool down and try to understand us.

“Only if an employee regularly demonstrates inappropriate behavior, his reactions can seriously interfere with work,” says Natalya Striyevskaya. And if you quarreled with a colleague because a large contract, thanks to his quickness, sailed out from under your nose, this, of course, is a reason to be upset, but not a reason to consider a colleague a professional tyrant.

Set boundaries

This rule works in any form of relationship. Couple, family, friendly company and, of course, our work team. What is a boundary in a relationship? Literally, the ability to say “no”. It is this art that protects us from strangers, saves us from troubles and helps to preserve our dignity.

One of my young acquaintances, on his first day at a prestigious firm, was extremely surprised that his boss sent him … to buy him socks at a sale. The young man did not go anywhere, risking making this the last day at the workplace. The boss was taken aback and since then gave him only business assignments.

But how to restrain yourself if a colleague or boss appropriates your ideas? Or are employees skipping meetings all the time while you are following the rules in a disciplined manner? And here we are brought down by the same fear of saying “no”. We prefer to endure for years, grinding indignation in ourselves, and when the cup overflows, we break down and wonder why the counterpart is irritated more than us.

“If the situation does not suit us, we should clarify it by asking direct questions,” advises Helen Vecchiali. At the same time, we can find out what is on the mind of a colleague who behaves, in our opinion, strange. “No, I suggested the idea, maybe you mixed something up?”, “I think you are disrespectful to all of us by skipping meetings, or do you consider them unconstructive? Do you have any suggestions to make?” The goal is to convey, without blaming, how we ourselves perceived someone else’s behavior, and discuss how to make it the least harmful.

“If you are benevolent at the same time, your arguments are likely to be heard. A person who has lost boundaries in communication with others is even grateful to someone who delicately informs him about it. Because in such situations it is bad not only for the one whose borders are violated, but also for the one who violates them,” Natalya Striyevskaya is convinced.

Start working hard

Work is a difficult psychological zone. When there is a communication crisis in the office due to tension, anger, fatigue, we wait for some time for the situation to unwind. But then you should focus on tasks. In no case leaving the focus of someone’s demonstrative hysteria or continuous whining.

Everyone has the right to suffer, but our job is to keep our distance and get down to business. What methods to use for this? Criticize with strict adherence to facts and good will. Do not allow ridicule and hints about the characters. “It is useful to arouse in oneself sympathy for an uncomfortable, that is, suffering, colleague. Even an attempt at such sympathy creates an atmosphere of trust and understanding, in which the partner will become more receptive to your opinion,” Natalya Striyevskaya is convinced.

“Difficult” employees can annoy us a lot, but we forget that their shortcomings have a downside. Take, for example, a worker who tends to get stuck in a task by doing it too carefully. Of course, you should not entrust him with an urgent matter, the details of which can be neglected. But you can count on his keen eye where you need to re-read and double-check.

An anxious person, like no one else, knows how to anticipate risks, this is just a godsend for an insurance company. Hysterical people who are great at captivating and being the center of attention are good actors, sales reps, and public relations managers. And dreamers in the clouds are often gifted creators.

But what if all these tips do not help and the workdays turn out to be really unbearable? “In the case when the other person does not change behavior, it remains only to tell him that we cannot tolerate it,” advises Helen Vecchiali. Sometimes, alas, it does not lead to anything.

The only solution is to contact management, human resources specialists or a health worker at the enterprise. They can figure out if it’s a clinical picture or a mismatch between your department’s profile and a colleague’s abilities, and redirect him to another job.

What if it’s your immediate supervisor? You can talk to his boss. Another way: psychological consultations. But if this scheme is not available to you and the situation seems critical to you, save yourself. Someone’s complex nature can be dangerous. You will never reason with a manipulator. Its goal is power, and all actions are aimed at determining the boundaries of your controllability. There is only one way out: run.