In your favor: how to stop competing with successful parents and start living

Raising a child is not easy: it requires a lot of patience, time and effort. And the process itself does not always go smoothly. At each stage, we are faced with a whole bunch of problems. Their weight puts even more pressure on the shoulders when the child begins to compare himself with his parents, and especially in those families where the representatives of the older generation have achieved certain heights.

The special status and successes of a father or mother against the background of their own seeming worthlessness can bring a teenager to a serious psychological disorder. And even after a while, we continue to return to this comparison, often devaluing our real merits.

Can past traumas be dealt with, and are successful parents able to help a child choose their own path?

Point of support

The first “grains” sprout in childhood: “Look, what a wonderful dad you have! You have to look up to him.” Or: “You must study well so as not to disgrace your wonderful mother.” The child begins to feel that he is not good enough for his parents. This feeling can either grow over the years or pass.

“When a person grows up, he faces a contradictory task: on the one hand, to separate from his parents, on the other hand, to maintain due reverence,” explains psychoanalyst-psychotherapist Maria Fedorova. – When he is small, dad and mom are great and powerful for him, but the moment of separation inevitably comes.

For some, the authority of parents remains indisputable: the father and mother are still significant figures. For others, the exact opposite happens: a person devalues ​​parental influence, thereby depriving himself of the support of the clan. Both cases are extremes, which, as you know, are best avoided, but which clearly show how painful this process is for all its participants.

Reliance on the strength of the family and the experience of ancestors is a topic that used to sound much more often and louder. After all, according to Maria Fedorova, in order to reach the heights yourself, you need to rely on someone. On the other hand, admiration for a successful parent can give rise to envy and doubts: can I surpass him?

Previously, the process of transition from adolescence to adulthood was helped by initiation (from Latin initio – to initiate into the sacrament): when a person was assigned a change in social status, as well as certain functions or powers. Today, this tradition is almost lost, so even if we have physically separated from our parents, they continue to live inside us.

To be or not to be (you)?

Is it possible to find support and gain self-confidence without resorting to drastic measures? Maria Fedorova suggests finding something in which the child is more competent than his parents. Whether it’s gadgets, the latest in the music industry, or bike parts.

Not all parents are ready to admit their ignorance, but in the future this may play a decisive role in the fate of the child. As an adult, he will not pay attention to people who compare him with his father or mother. Since the right answers and self-confidence have long come from within, and not from outside.

There are many examples of how children achieve even more success than their parents, and how those who do not cope with pressure end tragically.

Sometimes it seems that the offspring of famous families are initially doomed to psychological problems. Money, fame, wealth go hand in hand with overexertion, creative crises, burnout, increased sensitivity to failure. But look, for example, at the Yankovsky family. The son of master Oleg Yankovsky Philip became a famous director and producer, and his son Ivan, in turn, has been playing in the leading theaters of the capital for several years. Or the daughter of actress Tatyana Lyutaeva Agnia Ditkovskite, whose popularity is not inferior to that of her mother.

But the son of Nonna Mordyukova and Vyacheslav Tikhonov, Vladimir, on the contrary, could not resist the pressure. Or the daughter of Valentin Gaft Olga, who could not realize herself in ballet …

“A similar problem is facing the children of teachers: when the attention, interest and love of the mother is given to someone else – in this case, not the acting profession, but to specific people,” continues Maria Fedorova. – The child feels deprived: it is as if they are taking away what is rightfully his. And this resentment can result in completely unpredictable things.

Take over your life

At the same time, according to the expert, praise is not all that a child really needs.

“Suppose your daughter is dancing and during a performance in front of everyone, she falls unsuccessfully,” explains Maria Fedorova. You can see what she is going through, experiencing a sense of shame. Do I need to tell her that this was her best performance? I think no. What is the point of praising a child if it is not true and if both you and your daughter understand it?

In such a situation, the child needs sincere participation and compassion, and not empty praise.

The second, no less important aspect is the age itself.

“If you continue to compare your successes with the successes of your parents, think about the fact that the younger one always lags behind the older one simply because he is younger,” urges psychoanalyst-psychotherapist Maria Fedorova. “And remember that your parents were once young too.

Respect the work you are doing and your strengths. Do not discount your real successes, even if they seem insignificant to you against the background of an ideal model. Don’t “merge” them. Find your own view, feel and think differently from your parents. And in the end, you will manage to appropriate your life for yourself.