We live in an era of multiplication of human contacts. Communication is becoming more diverse, but it is important that it does not become superficial, experts warn us. What is the art of creating close, reliable relationships?
Muscovite Irina, 36, is raising her five-year-old son alone. However, «one» is not quite the right word. “I don’t have a life partner or grandparents who could help me, but I have my “tribe”, my circle — people who help me live,” she clarifies. Irina’s son goes to kindergarten, and if she is late at work, Sasha (along with her own grandson) is taken by the mother of a friend who lives nearby. Friends of her (deceased) parents, leaving for their dacha in the summer, invite her son for a month in a row for the second year in a row. “And I also agreed with the concierge,” says Irina, “she comes to us once a week, and I have the opportunity to do my own thing – in April I even decided to take driving courses.” Irina can also rely on her work colleague: they replace each other when someone has urgent business. “I don’t feel isolated from life, nor destitute, perhaps I just lack male attention,” she concludes. And, smiling, he admits that he is thinking of registering on a dating site.
Just like Irina, each of us is connected with many different people. Sometimes our social circle is simply huge. This is all the more surprising because we live in an age of individualism. The need for self-affirmation, the desire to realize one’s potential, to show one’s talents, to live safely and in harmony with one’s inner values is extremely strong today. But (this is also noted by sociologists) our need to be connected with other people is no less great. “Craving for others does not require social experience from us, it is present in everyone from birth and is sometimes expressed so strongly that it can exceed the need for food and warmth,” says psychophysiologist Evgenia Shekhter. Now it is easier than ever to actively communicate with many people thanks to the latest means of communication: e-mail, mobile phone, Internet…
“Not only accurately choose “their” and “care” for relationships, but also open up to loved ones, trust yourself to them”
Reliable insurance
Today we feel that the world has become closer and more accessible to us … but at the same time much more precarious. “Not a single married couple feels insured against divorce, not a single job is guaranteed for life,” explains psychotherapist Alexander Orlov. “And we unconsciously form more and more new relationships, as if we want to weave around ourselves something like a safety net.” A wide range of relationships is able to satisfy almost all of our needs: emotional, social, professional. Friends of childhood and youth, colleagues, a family doctor, neighbors in the country, as well as new acquaintances who are interested in the same things as us — yoga, diving, snowboarding, theater premieres or dancing — often become almost native people to us … Indeed, in our notebooks, relatives, friends, buddies, colleagues live side by side, and nearby are contacts left over from a single business meeting, or the address of casual acquaintances with whom we rested together several years ago. “But no matter how many names appear in the notebook, at some point each of us can acutely feel that these contacts “do not hold us,” Alexander Orlov notes. “Some literally “fall” into loneliness, despite the fact that they are surrounded by a crowd.” Why is this happening?
Be able to get closer
“If before the scheme of our connections could be represented in the form of a strong boletus, the dense stem of which personified personal, close, reliable contacts, and a hat proportionate to it — more distant relationships, now our connections resemble an umbrella mushroom with a wide and rapidly growing “hat” of business , pragmatic, superficial communication — and a very thin, fragile «leg» of trusting relationships, ”continues Alexander Orlov.
In part, this situation is due to the fact that we ourselves are less and less involved in the relationships we create, and therefore the scope of meaningful, trusting communication is narrowing. But do we run the risk of becoming consumers of friendships as a result, deftly drawing the right contact from our supply when necessary, making friends or lovers with one click, sharing our dreams or problems with those whom we may never see in real life? According to the French sociologist Jean-Claude Kaufmann**, our desire to communicate “in breadth” and not “in depth” has a paradoxical explanation: craving for others is often accompanied by a fear of being too deeply involved in relationships, and therefore a desire to keep them under control. “A person wants personal communication, but he does not want to be drawn into it. The more our contacts multiply, the less we invest ourselves in relationships with each of those around us. In order for us to feel good in “our circle”, it is not enough to accurately choose “ours” and “care” for relationships. Relatives need to open up, trust themselves to them. Of course, connections help achieve our goals — both practical and personal, but only those in which there is a two-way exchange are truly pleasing. American psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi calls for such a relationship: “There must be compatibility between our goals and the goals of another person, and we must be ready to invest our strength in achieving each other’s goals.” This means that we are interested in rapprochement with those who are similar to us and complement us at the same time. These are “our people” – to whom we are grateful for the fact that they are next to us.
* L. Khakhulina «Man in the system of social relations»;V. Magun, M. Rudnev «Life values of the Russian population: similarities and differences in comparison with other European countries», Bulletin of Public Opinion, 2006, No. 81, 2008, No. 93.** Author of books «First Morning», «A Single Woman and a Charming Prince» (U-Factoria, 2005).