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Many women are accustomed to seeing a change in life circumstances as a universal salvation from all problems. Everything is bad, but if you find a guy, life will improve. Better yet, get married. And if you give birth to a child, then everything will be just fine. Is it really? The point of view of psychologist Brené Brown.
In the process of research, psychology teacher at the University of Houston (USA) Brene Brown (Brene Brown) came to the conclusion that in a new situation, any existing problems are more likely to multiply than disappear. This usually happens right after the situation loses the charm of novelty. “For example, if you are not married and you have personal problems, then when you find a husband, you will have more problems. Of course, until the radiance of new love fades, it may not be noticeable, but, in the end, you will definitely feel it, ”says the psychologist.
The problems that a woman and a man bring with them to marriage are increasing. The same with children. Existing questions will become even more complex and confusing. For example, if the approval of your parents has always been important to you, then the appearance of a child will not change anything. On the contrary, there will be many more situations in which you will seek their support.
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- Marry
“I interviewed a woman of almost sixty years old: at one time she married a guy who beat her. She did this despite her friends and family warning her not to do it. At that time, she believed that as soon as they got married, he would start working on himself, try to get rid of aggression, ”says Brené Brown. But when their first son was born, the husband finally broke the chain. And she could not complain to anyone and felt completely isolated. “I really believed that marriage and children would change him. And she didn’t listen to anyone when she got married,” she says. – It was terrible, but when the problems became more, I could not go to my parents and friends, because they warned me. I stayed with him until he broke my nose and arm. Only then did I tell my family about everything – I just couldn’t hide it anymore. ”
There is an exit?
Of course, a person always has the opportunity for growth, but a life event in itself does not imply desired changes. “A jealous man becomes even more jealous after the wedding – the stakes have risen. A mother who wants her children (even very mature ones) to do everything perfectly, now expects even more perfection – now everything is for real, ”explains Brené Brown. So it turns out that the most desirable life events drive us into a corner: “if our hopes are not justified, this can become a source of the most unpleasant emotions,” the psychologist sums up. What to do? Accept the fact that people are imperfect, try to be more calm about your fears and vulnerabilities. This is how we build relationships with other people that we need to live.
Learn more: B. Brown “It’s all because of me (but it’s not)” (Azbuka Business, 2014).