Contents
- In the footsteps of Bonnie and Clyde: how to reach a teenager
- 1. Do not shift your powerlessness onto the child.
- 2. Talk about your feelings
- 3. Learn to hear your child’s feelings
- 4. Be ready to see your flaws in him
- 5. Talk about the fact that the child is wrong
- 6. Be sure to try to find something good in the situation.
In the footsteps of Bonnie and Clyde: how to reach a teenager
Our regular author, practicing psychotherapist Tatyana Ogneva-Salvoni tells how to raise a child following the commandment “do no harm”.
“I loved you, but you yourself did not notice how you destroyed my psyche and life. Goodbye everyone – friends, family, and acquaintances. Don’t worry, I will leave beautifully. Good luck to everyone in your life and please do not be afraid to live the way you want or see fit. Living for pleasure is the best life. Love you”.
This text is a suicide note that Pskov Bonnie and Clyde left on their social media pages. Both have the same text. Both have a desperate sense of uselessness in their social media posts.
… Having burst into the house where the children were barricaded, the police found them dead. Denis and Katya were 15 years old.
Why is this happening, because of what children go to such a terrible protest, the psychiatrist-criminologist Mikhail Vinogradov told Woman’s Day. And what to do to protect the child, says psychotherapist Tatyana Ogneva-Salvoni.
1. Do not shift your powerlessness onto the child.
A child at this age needs to be explained everything. Usually the concepts of what is good and what is bad are laid down before 10 years. But if parents were unable to set boundaries in their time, then in the adolescence of children they are faced with the first fruits of their upbringing. And here it is important that the parent does not shift the responsibility onto the child. When they shout and beat, it comes from powerlessness, from unwillingness to understand their own guilt.
You need to admit for yourself: this is yours, parental “jamb”. And there is nothing wrong with telling a teenager frankly: they say, you know, I am sorry that I did not manage to convey to you what is good and what is bad, what is good and what is evil.
Children at this age feel sincerity very well, and you need to talk to them from the heart. You can tell them something like: I understand, now you are almost an adult, you have your own opinion, but I will say that it hurts me (sad, unpleasant, etc.) if you do this and that -then. It upsets me when you behave this way and that.
2. Talk about your feelings
Show that you are not a robot, not an ideal, not an unattainable someone, but also a living person. And that means that other people are also alive, with their own feelings. A parent shows strength and wisdom when talking about his feelings.
3. Learn to hear your child’s feelings
And then you need to become a little psychotherapist for him. Asking leading questions, not condemning, edifying, not educating. And with the help of simple leading questions “What happened? How do you feel? Why do you need this? And what is behind this? What is the use / benefit / point of this? What would I call it, what’s good about it? What does it give you? ”And so on, you can get to the bottom of why the child goes to any extreme measure, what he wants to achieve by violating the laws of society.
The main thing in this case is to withstand his negative feelings and claims. Agree with them: they say, these are your feelings, yes, you have the right to them. And at one time I was also angry / offended / outraged … You can tell about a similar experience from my adolescence. Just not to lose contact with your child. Just to speak. A calm conversation in which the goal is to figure out what is happening in the soul, in the life of a child, is more effective than any punishment.
4. Be ready to see your flaws in him
To the fact that in the child something is reflected in a threefold size, from which you yourself close in yourself, which you do not want to see in yourself. For example, one mother suppressed depression with suicidal thoughts in herself, hid deeply from herself, did not want to figure it out, switched all the time to some kind of positive. At the age of 13, her daughter began to wear only black clothes, frankly speaking out loud what her mother was hiding from herself. Mom could not stand this, she broke into scandals, which only intensified the destructive processes in the family and influenced everyone around. It almost came to a tragedy, until my mother admitted to herself that it was she who would like to throw herself out of the window, and her daughter seemed to read this hidden desire of hers. She went to therapy, dealt with her neurosis, with what was poisoning her inner life. And the daughter stopped playing with depression and suicide.
5. Talk about the fact that the child is wrong
This is necessary, but it is important to approach it correctly. Otherwise, you can convince him of his own wrong so that he will then believe that he is wrong in everything, refuse the joys of life, punish himself, and so on. It is important here to share guilt, righteousness and responsibilities into two. Like, I’m wrong that I yelled at you / didn’t explain / didn’t defend (that is, admit some kind of real guilt in front of the child), and you’re wrong that you did this and that. But I am your father / mother, and I have a duty to teach you the rules of life, I must tell you this and that. And you, as my child, must listen to me. And it is desirable to obey.
6. Be sure to try to find something good in the situation.
It is very important to find good things for yourself and your child. You know, that taught me this and that. What did that teach you? I realized this and that, I now understand that … And what have you realized, and what do you understand? You need to praise something for something, end on something positive, which will say that you still appreciate him, that you see not only his mistakes, but also his merits, his dignity.