In Search of the Formula of Love

There is no exact definition of this feeling in any textbook. Perhaps because for many years psychology has been studied, and psychotherapy has treated losers, neurotics, people who are insecure. And positive feelings did not attract attention. As a result, such pleasant and useful things as self-love, self-respect, good self-esteem and self-confidence were left in the shadow.

The formula of love was first tried to be derived at the end of the XNUMXth century by the American philosopher and psychologist William James. In his Principles of Psychology, he described the “self-love formula” or “self-esteem formula” – for him these concepts were synonymous. The formula is a fraction, in the numerator of which are our achievements, and in the denominator are claims, that is, the goals that we set for ourselves. When the fraction is less than one, we feel like failures; when it is greater than or equal to it, we are satisfied with ourselves, love ourselves. According to James, self-love is a feeling that arises when there is a small difference between our claims and real achievements. His formula remains today the only successful attempt to define this feeling. Let’s try to consider and describe it in a little more detail.

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In general, self-love is a source of self-esteem, the basis of our self-esteem. When it is excessively low, self-accusations, self-doubt, an inferiority complex arise. When self-esteem is too high, and the discrepancy between claims and real possibilities is huge, our behavior becomes inadequate, we are haunted by emotional breakdowns, a sense of anxiety.

Interestingly, those of us who are too realistic about ourselves are always in a state of mild depression, but those who can maintain positive illusions feel confident and calm, consider themselves, for example, more intelligent or knowledgeable than they really are. American psychiatrists Robert Ornstein and David Sobel (Robert Ornstein, David Sobel) found out: when they say about such a person, for example, that he is “stingy”, “charming”, “powerful”, “witty” or “a little aggressive”, he is more likely to will remember the words “with a plus sign”: “charming”, “witty” and, possibly, “aggressive”. “It’s better to overestimate yourself a little and immediately forget the disturbing characteristics,” the researchers say. “After all, our idea of ​​ourselves is just a construction of the mind, and it is in our own interests that it gives us as many positive emotions as possible.”

If you don’t love yourself…

You can understand what self-love is from the opposite. What happens to a person when he does not love himself? How is his life, how does he feel? “As a rule, such people are careless about their appearance, prone to self-flagellation: when they are offended or deceived, they think they deserve it,” says existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova. “They don’t take care of their health, they don’t take sick leave, because they are sure that taking care of themselves is pointless for a person like me. They are not interested in work, thinking that they simply have no other choice: after all, nothing pleasant and interesting happens for them in life. They are sure that they have no right to happiness, and therefore they live, simply providing themselves with a tolerable existence that does not bring much satisfaction. According to psychotherapist Tatyana Bednik, there are several clear signs of self-dislike.

critical attitude. Alexander has a reputation as a desperate critic: he finds and denounces flaws in everyone. In fact, these accusations of a person who does not love himself are only self-accusations. It is too painful to hate oneself, he projects his claims onto others and, as it were, “ventilates” his irritation.

Super performance. Anna, a translator, rarely gets up from her computer before midnight: she endlessly corrects ready-made pages, trying to bring them to perfection. However, she is like that in everything: Anna tries to do any job perfectly – it seems to her absolutely necessary in order for others to love her.

Absolute agreement. One of the saddest ways to settle in life is to take on the role of always and for everyone a pleasant person. Such people are never truly satisfied with themselves. Compromises are their constant lot. And yet they prefer this state, because the alternative to it is complete loneliness.

Exaggeration (bragging). 30-year-old Igor is considered by many to be an overly self-confident and self-satisfied type: not only to acquaintances, but also to unfamiliar people, he loves to talk in detail and with taste about his professional and male successes, enviable business acquaintances … He can endlessly enumerate his merits – real and imaginary. He tries to convince others of them so obsessively that he seems to convince himself. He thinks that love is always conditioned by something and, demonstrating himself, seems to buy recognition.

Self-destruction. The opposite situation: a person maintains a derogatory image of himself. He hopes that others, having “pityed” him, will not expect too much from him, refrain from criticizing, and perhaps even become sympathetic to him. This is one way to adjust to the inner feeling of emptiness.

Anger. About 40-year-old Zoya, they rightly say that she is able to make a scandal anywhere and with anyone. But her real problem is that she is dissatisfied – neither with herself, nor with her life. Feelings of inferiority give rise to feelings of anger. When anger is directed at ourselves, we feel irritated and overwhelmed. It is much more painless to pour it out on others.

Cynicism and suspicion. Marina does not trust anyone: she scrupulously checks both store receipts and the pockets of her 14-year-old son. Her problem is that she projects distrust of herself onto people. Needless to say, most often she is mistaken in her suspicions!

Being in a state of internal conflict with ourselves, we unconsciously look for psychological defense mechanisms, we try to resist the hostile world or protect ourselves from it. But this strategy of life only exacerbates the problem. A person who loves himself, trusts himself, does not need to attack or hide: calm confidence makes it possible to live in peace with himself and others.