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Many of us are desperate for love. They do everything to get attention. They think that if they become liberated enough, they will be noticed and loved. They are sure that love implies an emotional roller coaster, they choose – consciously or unconsciously – not free partners, but relationships with a free and adequate person seem too insipid to them. Why?
Do you think that love is a struggle? Race with obstacles that must be constantly overcome? Perhaps at times you even begin to wonder what is wrong with you. Why can’t they “just love” you? Maybe you are not patient enough? Are you asking too early what the status of your relationship is and thereby scaring your partner away?
He moves away, and you do everything to “return” him and keep him close to you. If you succeed, you feel relieved. But then everything repeats. Again and again. You again sob into your pillow at night, and during the day you make a lot of efforts to return everything “as it was”.
In addition, as soon as you start a relationship with a good, stable partner who treats you great, you immediately get the feeling that something is going wrong. He does not play games with you, does not awaken a lot of different feelings in you, including negative ones, does not make you guess. And yet, yet…
Do you understand that it is not about him, but about you? This is a brain trap. Try not to please her if you want a normal, healthy relationship.
But why are we still so bored with a good – stable, adequate – partner?
We are used to the fact that there should be drama in a relationship.
Suppose one in a pair is characterized by an avoidant behavior model, and the second partner is anxious. He needs to constantly receive evidence that he is loved, significant, needed. It’s all about low self-esteem: because of it, the dependent partner is afraid that he will be abandoned.
The avoidant partner has a hard time expressing emotions, and, feeling pressure from the other half, he may begin to avoid it. Anxious partner at the same time thinks that he did something wrong.
Anxiety can manifest itself physically: palpitations, perspiration. A person grabs a phone, calls or says a message, while his voice trembles, his fingers do not hit the buttons. He just wants to fix everything so that everything becomes “good” again.
It is so easy to confuse such an unhealthy attachment with love … If an anxious partner manages to get close to the satellite again, he feels a huge relief. The body receives its portion of endorphins. At this point, a person is like a drug addict who has received a dose.
But the situation will inevitably repeat itself – until the avoiding partner gets tired of all this and leaves the relationship completely.
Relationships with a good partner seem insipid
After an emotional roller coaster, a good partner often seems boring, because he:
- doesn’t play games
- predictable (in a good way)
- knows exactly what he wants and talks about his desires,
- does not push you away when you open up to him,
- does not depend on you
- is honest with you and is not afraid to discuss his feelings.
All this may seem extremely strange – our psyche is simply not used to this. And by inertia, we are drawn to swing again on an emotional swing. We are looking for a “nerve”, a drama, a reason to suffer, although we do not admit it to ourselves. Simply because they are used to it.
It may seem that there is no “true love” between us and the new partner, because there is no intensity of feelings, the partner does not provoke us in any way.
The temptation is great to break off relations and go in search of someone with whom you can ride emotional rides again. Turn your back on normal, healthy love and step back into a painful, codependent relationship.