«In bed with an abuser»: an inoculation against destructive relationships

Who needs it?

If I had an adult daughter, I would definitely advise her to read this book. More than half of the women I know have been “in bed with an abuser” at least once in their lives. Even more than in bed. Selfish, unprincipled and cruel men climbed into their wallet and house, into the soul and psyche, unceremoniously hosted there and reveled in power over the victim in love and dreaming of happiness.

If you have experienced this, you will be able to recognize among the stories given in the book, and your own. And also read the letters of hundreds of other women who have had a similar difficult experience. It’s as if you find yourself in a support group, where, together with a confident and tactful “leader” (author of the book), remember all the stages of destructive relationships passed, conduct a detailed analysis and analysis of them and draw conclusions for the future.

Making sense of and accepting bad experiences is an important part of recovery so you can move on and no longer choose your abusers as partners.

I am sure that this book will be useful to all women, especially young ones. The «cunning» tricks of narcissists, manipulations and methods of submission that they usually use, are sorted out by the bones and put on the shelves. Perhaps this is a good “vaccine” against a dangerous and harmful addiction, which is so easy to get into and from which it is difficult to “cure”.

Reading the book is easy — you feel like you are holding a fascinating love story in your hands, the storylines of which intertwine and merge into a common scenario. Based on real letters from many women, Tanya Tank paints a picture of destructive relationships with abusers. The language of the narrative is light and lively, the text contains both humor and sarcasm towards male narcissists, but at the same time, deceptive “lightness” does not mask the tragedy of real situations.

The women who shared letters with the author of the Fear, I’m With You trilogy had a traumatic experience. And only by making it noticeable, visible, by talking about it, you can try to help yourself and others cope with its consequences or avoid it in the future.

Together with letters from readers and comments by Tanya Tank, we go all the way from beginning to end — from the period of romantic idealization through abuse, humiliation, depreciation to parting and returning to ourselves.

“Imagine how much abusers steal from us “little things”? — writes Tanya Tank. — And these «little things» that go by in a stream, sharpen our lives — not like an ax blow, felling a tree at once, but like a quiet mean bark beetle. When people ask me what is cool about life without abuse, I usually talk about the highest values: the possibility of self-realization, warm relations with people, “peace and freedom,” as Pushkin wrote. But if you move away from matters that may seem high to someone, look at how the quality of life changes precisely in small things, which are not small things at all!”

“I confessed my love, and hell began …”

Chapter from the book «In bed with an abuser»

“I hid my feelings for him for a very long time. I understood intuitively that if I confess, he will feel power over me. And for sure: as soon as I told him about love in a fit of emotions, everything changed for the worse. He relaxed from the fact that he conquered me?

When we confess our love to a destructive person, it often becomes a «moment of truth.» Imagining that he has gained power over us, that by our confession we have thrown ourselves at his feet, we have surrendered ourselves to him «with giblets», he raises the degree of violence.

The abuser does not know love, therefore he presents it as a complete dependence of the lover, slavery. And our recognition for him sounds like voluntary enslavement, a willingness to put up with any humiliation. How does the abuser feel after our confession? Of course, a strong pumping of grandiosity, triumph, but at the same time a certain fear, disgust, contempt, disappointment.

Not knowing how to love himself, he does not believe in our love either. He doubts whether we are manipulating our confession. Maybe we want to disarm him with this? Do we expect him to carry us in his arms now? Or do we even … laugh at him — after all, does he really not know that it is impossible to love him? Or are we so stupid that we have painted ourselves the image of a handsome prince? Well, then we deserve only contempt!

After all, the narcissist just doesn’t know what to do with our love! He does not understand what good she can give him. Here is power over us — it will be more reliable!

… One of my readers felt unhealthy attention from a colleague ten years younger. But this is not the point, because all ages are submissive to love. The point is that at first he harassed her with unreasonable hostility, and then began the game of hot-cold. The reader was carried away — and I think anyone with whom they played such games will understand her.

So. Extremely tormented by uncertainty, she intuitively went to the fact that she confessed her feelings to him. Such an act requires courage and honesty. But dot the i’s are great! A person who loves or at least sympathizes with you immediately takes a step towards you. The manipulator, on the other hand, pours contempt, spreads gossip, unleashes persecution, moves away and approaches again, as if provoking you to try again and again to talk to him about feelings …

And yet, I believe that the habit of sincerely expressing feelings, confessing love turns out to be for us … a benefit! After all, it goes without saying that we accelerate the self-disclosure of a person. Or they could still live in ignorance and wait for something, consider a person kind, noble …

Important: I consider it unethical to confess your love as a «test for lice.» It is worth doing this only if you really love or are very passionate, and the person’s behavior is incomprehensible to you and he either reassures you, then moves away, and you all get stuck and get stuck in misunderstanding and suffering.