Impossible to change another

In youth, we believe that we can change a loved one: his habits, addictions, character flaws. But experience says the opposite, and psychologists confirm: we are not able to adjust a partner to our fantasies … However, between controlling another person and the desire to help him change, there is room for maneuver.

Decided: I love, even if he (or she) is not interested in art (or football), does not want to have children, wastes money … Everyone is convinced that his sincere feelings will help his partner change: «You’ll see, he will become different with me!» However, this is where family therapists say “stop”: entering into a relationship with the intention of remaking the other is a sure way to mess it up.

But can we consciously give up this desire? “Hardly, especially since it is partly true,” says Gestalt therapist Maria Andreeva. “After all, initially we are strangers to each other, everyone has their own life experience and habits behind them. The creation of a family is a colossal event in life, which inevitably affects us, makes us change. In order for the relationship to take place, it is important for partners to look for compromises, to work on “integrating” into each other.”

In fact, it is interesting to understand where we even get this desire. Often it refers more to us, our personal history, than to the other and his real and imaginary shortcomings. When the first love passes, the woman suddenly “discovers” that her husband is selfish, like her father, or the man realizes that his wife is overprotective of him, like his own mother … Can you believe that they did not notice this before? Or maybe this is what determined their choice?

“Choosing a life partner always implies an internal conflict,” explains Maria Andreeva. “Each of us has a dream of an ideal partner, but everyone has a mother and father, the images of which are forever imprinted in our unconscious.” This point is confirmed by psychotherapist Robin Norwood in Women Who Love Too Much: “We feel at home, comfortable, exceptionally “right” in the company of a person with whom we can do all the familiar actions and experience all the familiar feelings. Even if actions have never been beneficial and feelings are unpleasant, this is what we know best.”

So, a woman who dreamed of a prince can achieve her goal and remake her partner … but then she loses interest in him: he ceases to be «native» to her. And then the relationship falls apart. Therefore, the only way out is to work on yourself in order to become aware of this mechanism and try to change yourself so that history does not repeat itself.

To change or not to change?

Envisioning yourself as an all-powerful sculptor (“I will transform you with the power of my love”) is like saying, “I don’t like you the way you are.” This attitude hurts every one of us. “This is a very deep existential experience: does anyone need me the way I am? — explains Maria Andreeva. — It is difficult to be in a relationship without feeling that the partner accepts and loves. Therefore, even constructive criticism or justified claims should not be aimed at the personality of the other, but only at his behavior.

Moreover, it is cruel to demand from a shy girl to be liberated or to reproach an obvious extrovert for talking too much. And even more so, one should not devalue the ideals of a partner just because we ourselves want something different from life. “If you don’t leave free space for a loved one, in the end it will simply break him,” adds Maria Andreeva.

On the other hand, not admitting to ourselves that we want (and can) change another, we show mental laziness. If a partner is not amenable to influence, we complain about him, but deep down this situation reassures us: after all, this is an indulgence that frees us from the need to change ourselves.

In addition, you can extract bonuses from the fact that the other is unshakable. For example, a wife complains that her husband avoids household duties, and at the same time suppresses any of his initiatives in this direction. “Let me go, I’ll do it myself,” she grumbles. If he changes, she will suffer a double defeat: she will lose power over the house and will no longer be able to accuse him of passivity. “In relationships, we choose the role that is convenient for us,” confirms Maria Andreeva. “He who wants to dominate in a pair will always find a reason to complain about other people’s shortcomings.”

Open new horizons for partners

We will never change the one who is around if our real goal is to make our own life easier. This desire should be dictated by concern for the other, for his welfare. Does he feel that family relationships are deteriorating? This means that it is in his interests to change something in himself, and we can gradually involve him on this path without violating his personal boundaries.

“It is in our power to show a loved one new horizons without devaluing his past, affections and views,” emphasizes Maria Andreeva. — He will change if he sees the meaning of these changes: good relations, peace in the family. In addition, it is important for each of the partners to feel the support of the other, and most importantly, to see his readiness to change in response.

In order for change to occur, it must be recognized that the development of the other can go in different ways. We tend to lock him up in the cage of our ideas about him. “In order to change, we should not be too dependent on each other,” adds Maria Andreeva. “The distance allows you to see a person as he is, to better understand his complexities.” The key word for change is kindness. It is difficult to change someone who hears all the time: “I know you, you are hopeless” or even “The humpbacked grave will fix it.”

Let’s not take away from loved ones the chance to pleasantly surprise us. If we are careful and trust our love, then over time, the energy of this feeling will change the one we love. And us, probably, too.