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We encounter various manifestations of rudeness everywhere: on the way to work, in government institutions, shops, theaters, and even in our own home. How to protect yourself from rudeness without sinking to it?
How to deal with rudeness? On the road, at the bus stop, at the neighborhood store, at the office, on the plane, or even at a parent-teacher meeting, we seem to get rude everywhere. Rudeness has long been a characteristic feature of our society, like a chronic disease that cannot be cured. We asked experts how to protect yourself from the consequences of this disease.
Step 1: understand
“The first reaction to rudeness can be emotional, but if you abstract, you almost feel sorry for these boors – that’s how much negativity you need to carry in yourself,” says Andrey, 25 years old.
In order to develop the optimal tactics for communicating with a boor, you first need to understand the reasons for his behavior. The motives may be different, but they almost always speak of a lack of self-respect, a desire to assert oneself or prove one’s strength to others.
“Ham compensates for internal weakness, conquers living space through a collision with others,” explains Nadezhda Kazarinova.
Or he is testing the boundaries of what is permitted.
“This is how small children behave towards their parents:“ Is it possible with you? But like this?” At first glance, this is a demonstration of strength, but it comes from self-doubt, ”says Ekaterina Dubovskaya.
In rudeness, they often “run away” from situations of uncomfortable communication – they shy away from clarifying relationships, claims from superiors, or awkward moments.
Why should we understand the boor, instead of defending ourselves against it? The fact of the matter is that understanding protects us in many ways – and allows us not to take rudeness too close to our hearts.
“You need to remember that many cases of rudeness do not apply to you personally. Then, in the first place, why be upset? And secondly, it is easier to respond to an impersonal attack, ”explains Ekaterina Dubovskaya.
Step 2: keep your distance
“When faced with rudeness, I always feel confused, I don’t know how to respond to rudeness,” says Valeria, 37 years old. “Understanding how one should behave comes much later.”
This is how most people feel. A witty remark comes to us when the boor has already disappeared around the corner. This is a painful blow to self-esteem, but responding to the aggressor at all costs should not be an end in itself.
“The fact is that rudeness does not imply dialogue, it is destructive for relationships. Rudeness indicates a lack of contact, Ekaterina Dubovskaya warns. “Two people who are trying to resolve the conflict in this way are rolling along parallel paths.”
A preventive cure for someone else’s rudeness is the cultivation of self-esteem and, above all, self-respect.
Hama should not be afraid, let alone show him your fear
An effective tactic is the right distance.
“You should not be afraid of Ham, and you should not show your fear to him. Remember that his main goal is to engage you in a dialogue built according to his rules. Ham therefore feels unpunished because his “victim” cannot immediately violate these rules, ”comments Nadezhda Kazarinova.
“The ability to build limits that cannot be violated is an important characteristic of an adult,” notes Ekaterina Dubovskaya.
Step 3: Change the Script
Before you “teach” a boor good behavior, think about what you want to achieve with your reaction. Show him how disgusting his behavior is? This will put you in the cycle of rudeness.
It is unlikely that a stranger will say: “Thank you for pointing out my faux pas. I won’t do that again.”
In this case, the main thing is to clearly convey to the boor the idea that he has no right to behave in this way towards you. Of course, without aggression and attacks.
Psychologist Anna Mstislavskaya suggests considering this situation from the point of view of transactional analysis:
“According to transactional analysis, in each of us there are 3 states of “I” – Parent, Adult, Child. From the position of the Parent, we are accustomed to teach others, to show what is good and what is bad. But do not forget that the Parent not only criticizes (Critical Parent), he also cares for others (Caring Parent).
The reaction to rudeness from the position of the Critical Parent will be: “What do you allow yourself? How can you treat me like this?” Such a reaction does not lead to further constructive dialogue. A caring Parent wants to help another, tries to understand his needs. This is a more constructive approach.
From the position of the Caring Parent, we can say: “I see your dissatisfaction with my behavior / my act, I’m sorry” or use the somewhat manipulative phrase: “How can I help you?”
This is how we show our strength and at the same time do not stoop to rudeness.
The desire to protect ourselves will provoke us to aggression
An adult, when confronted with a boor, is more likely to evade a direct conflict – he will remain silent or apologize (depending on the situation), without excuses. Being in the Adult state, we are able to understand what drives a person, why he is so rude to us.
From a childish state (Child), we are unlikely to be able to resist the boor: the desire to protect ourselves will provoke us to aggression. And this will only lead to an escalation of the conflict.
Therefore, if we want to show another that we cannot be rude, it is better to focus on the position of an Adult or a Caring Parent.
If there is no strength to be silent
In the manual “How to protect yourself from rudeness. 7 simple rules ”psychologist Vladinat Petrov describes verbal self-defense techniques in dealing with boors. Here are some of them:
1.All situations when you are attacked are similar to each other: the aggressor arrogates to himself the right to judge us and invade our lives.
Any aggressor, no matter how high his position, can be put in his place by pointing out to him the discrepancy between his real status and the role that he has assigned to himself: “On what basis are you asking me these questions?”, “On what basis are you asking me these questions?” are you examining?”
2. If you were told something obviously unpleasant, but you find it difficult to find words, to express what exactly hurts you and what exactly you disagree with, ask: “Is this a question?”, “Is this a statement?” or “Is this an indication?”, depending on what the retort with unpleasant content is more like.
3. What to do if unpleasant communication drags on and the aggressor won’t leave you alone? “In this case, you should ask the rude person a question with a verb in the passive voice, for example:“ What made you say (do) this?
This technique is a variation of the “Put a boss over the aggressor” method. With this question, you will show the attacker that he has become a toy of his own passions that control him.
4. If you want to make a comment to the one who behaved disrespectfully towards you, do not reproach the enemy for actions and qualities that cannot be represented with the help of sight or hearing. If you say, “You shouldn’t raise your voice at me,” that would be a point to the point. Or, for example: “I ask you not to talk about me in the third person if I am in the same room.”
If you say “Stop talking boorishly”, you will attribute to the interlocutor actions that are not visually representable, abstract, the real content of which can be argued. The fact that your abuser behaves “ugly” or “boorish” is only your personal opinion.
Priority – Relationships
In general, all our experts agree on one thing: verbal aggression as a response to rudeness is an extreme and not the best way out. And it only works in situations that are not included in our daily lives. Having put in place an ill-mannered waitress or a boor in the subway, we can feel satisfied for a moment – and we will never see the offender again.
But in a situation of long-term relationships – with colleagues or relatives – such methods are not constructive. It must be understood that a conflict situation always means poor understanding. In this case, you need to step aside for a while in order to realize its causes.
Try to feel what exactly is behind this rudeness
“If it’s important for you to establish communication, it’s worth showing the person that you understand him by moving from a Childish (offended) position to an Adult (sane) position,” advises Anna Mstislavskaya. – Do you want to demonstrate to your partner that it is unacceptable to behave like this with you? But ask yourself the question: do you really want him to change his behavior, or are you just hurt that he was rude? If you are overwhelmed with emotions, say that you are offended, and do not “run into” the person in response.
Try to feel what exactly is behind this rudeness, why a person close to you is so rude. You will probably uncover the underlying causes of his behavior, which relate not just to a single situation, but to relationships as a whole.
And then ask: “You probably know how I could fix the situation so that you don’t want to be rude to me. Tell me what do you expect from me? Thus, we will take a step towards an open dialogue.
Our experts:
Nadezhda Kazarinova, sociologist, author of the study “Rudeness and insults as communicative practices.”
Elena Petrovskaya, philosopher, editor-in-chief of the Blue Sofa magazine.
Anna Mstislavskaya, psychologist-consultant, specialist in transactional analysis.
Ekaterina Dubovskaya, social psychologist.