Illness Recovery: How to Feel (Finally) Healthy

“You are healthy”. Veronika, who had a stroke at the age of 48, was happy to finally hear these words from her neurologist. But… she couldn’t quite believe him. “Although the MRI shows that everything is fine with me, I walk like a razor’s edge all the time,” she admits. “What if it happens again?” Can I live as before and how to protect myself from stress? The words of the doctor were not enough for Veronica to “transfer” herself from the status of a patient to the status of a healthy one and concentrate on recovering from the illness. For the medical profession, recovery means the disappearance of the symptoms and signs of the disease, but for the patient, things are different. Whether and when he will feel recovered depends on many different factors. Short or long, for everyone it is always a difficult path – but from where and where?

Allied with disease

“I lived for many years without letting go of the inhaler,” says 35-year-old Irina, who has suffered from asthma since childhood. “Until I recently had a course of laser acupuncture, after which the attacks almost stopped.” But even after a few months, Irina still continues to take several inhalations a day. When the inhaler runs out, she, as before, experiences panic. “I can’t get rid of the fear that another attack will happen,” she says. “Asthma is like a part of me.”

It is difficult to get rid of the shadow of an illness when you have been inseparable from it for years, almost merged into one. There is a mirror effect: “I mix myself and my disease, I am it.” Giving it up is like giving up a part of yourself. And sometimes – to refuse also some of the benefits that the disease brings with it. For example, a person is not ready to recover, because then he will have to return to a job that he hates. Or his illness is the only thing that still saves the family from disintegration. For some, illness allows them to receive the attention and care that they lacked when they were healthy. Finally, in illness you can hide from shame. “Since I’m sick, I’m not so ashamed that I don’t live up to someone’s expectations or don’t meet the high bar that I set for myself,” Marina Baskakova, a Gestalt therapist, explains the psychology of the patient. – I didn’t defend my dissertation, I didn’t make a career, not because I didn’t cope or was not capable, but because I was sick. It turns out that pain from shame can be worse than physical pain.

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But this does not mean that the patient (or who continues to feel sick) is a malicious deceiver, clinical psychologist Yakov Kochetkov emphasizes: “It is important to understand that the person himself is not aware of this background of his protracted illness. On the contrary, continuing to perceive himself as sick, he unconsciously tries to resolve the conflict, which is not resolved on a conscious level.

Why me?

“It’s hard to convey what I experienced before the operation,” recalls 37-year-old Natalya. The doctors assumed the worst. And although their predictions did not come true, recovery from the disease was very difficult. Almost two years have passed, and I still go cold with fear, remembering those days.

It is unlikely that someone, having gone through a serious illness, will be able to forget the experienced shock, fear, panic, their despair and helplessness. “Illness, like any psychological trauma, destroys the sense of illusory security, the fantasy of individual immortality,” explains Yakov Kochetkov. – Suddenly it turns out that I am vulnerable and can no longer control my life. The very idea that you can be powerless and unable to cope with the situation is extremely painful. A painful question arises: why did this happen to me?

It is very important what answer a person comes to in the end. “You can blame yourself or circumstances, but these are destructive feelings,” says Marina Baskakova. – They are not followed by action, the search for a way out of the current situation. Then the one who was sick is really powerless to change something. It’s another matter if you take responsibility for your life: yes, it happened to me, but I can try to do something about it. This is an adult position. If I am responsible for my life, if I am able to create it myself, then I can choose whether to continue to get sick or say to myself: “No, I don’t want to.”

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Mobilize your resources

For those who are seriously ill, every now and then it seems that the ground is slipping from under their feet and there is nothing to rely on. But everyone has a chance to rebuild, adapt to new circumstances, emphasizes Marina Baskakova. “Psychotherapist Alexander Lowen offered a powerful metaphor – grounding. Figuratively speaking, we are accustomed to relying on solid ground. Therefore, it is so difficult for many to learn to swim: they are always looking for the ground under their feet. A swimmer can “ground” in the water, that is, he uses the opportunities that are available to him at that moment. In other words, you need to be flexible, learn to find a new support for yourself every time your life situation changes. Even when you get sick.”

Much depends on how we generally treat our body and our health, what are our beliefs in this regard, emphasizes Yakov Kochetkov: how dangerous is what is happening in my body, am I able to endure it?

And one more important question that explicitly or implicitly confronts the sick: why should I be healthy? For Marina, who underwent a major operation at the age of 31, the thought of her little daughter turned out to be saving. “From some point, I began to repeat to myself like a mantra: next to you is such a miracle! Stop whining. Your little girl needs a healthy, cheerful mother! It seems to me that, like Munchausen, I pulled myself out of pessimism and longing by the hair. Yakov Kochetkov confirms: “If we feel the meaning of our life, we see the prospect, then the somatic disease is easier, and recovery from the disease is faster.”

Those who are near

Great luck when doctors not only successfully cure us, but also inspire faith in victory. Happiness, if in these difficult days (months, years) we are supported by loving, caring relatives, friends and sympathetic colleagues. But such an idyllic picture is often far from reality. Doctors, especially in Russia, rarely worry about the psychological state of the patient. And sometimes, with their mistreatment, they can provoke a new disease in the patient, for example, depression (this phenomenon is called “iatrogeny”).

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Relatives and friends may not be up to par either. And it’s not always about callousness or indifference. “They are also experiencing stress,” recalls Yakov Kochetkov. – Someone may lose heart, someone begins to blame the patient. This, of course, is not conducive to recovery. And vice versa, when relatives calm down, then the sick person feels more confident.”

But it also happens that he himself is not ready to accept the help of other people. “It’s hard to do this if you think: “No one needs me, since I’m sick,” “No one will help me,” “I don’t want to be a burden to others,” says the clinical psychotherapist. – So he isolates himself from those who could support him and help him overcome the disease. Of course, it happens that loved ones turn away from the patient. But in my practice, I most often encounter the fact that these are just fantasies of the sick person, which have nothing to do with reality: the patient, by virtue of his convictions, simply does not allow himself to accept help.

How to help?

On the other hand, support is not always beneficial. It would seem how wonderful it is when relatives, friends, colleagues cheer: “Well done! You did it! Stop sour – you’re already healthy! But the reciprocal enthusiasm can not be met. “Everyone lives this or that event at their own speed, at their own pace,” warns Marina Baskakova. – It may seem to others that it is time to forget about the experience, since the person has been cured, to concentrate on recovering from the disease. Moreover, it is very difficult to sympathize with pain, I want all these anxieties and worries to be left behind and a new calm life begin for everyone. And if a person is not psychologically ready for this, he may unconsciously begin to resist these calls. Not out of stubbornness – it’s just that his defense mechanisms turn on. That is, by pushing, you can prevent him from going his way to recovery. “Better instead of “You can!” just say “I’m with you!” Or, as the Americans say: “Take as much time as you need.”

What did I understand?

“At some point, I suddenly admitted to myself that I was grateful for the disease,” admits 40-year-old Ariadne. She explained so much to me about my past life, about herself. Then I looked beyond the line and with every cell I felt how much I love life. Whatever she is, with all her black and white stripes. And this knowledge makes me strong.”

Illness can teach you a lot. But for this you need to find the courage to open up and hear what she says, no matter how hard it is. “It is important to discover the psychological context of the disease,” says Marina Baskakova. – It can be fear of life, fear of responsibility, fear of feelings that we suppress in ourselves … If we recognize them, then we gain integrity. And that means a chance to change yourself and change your life.”

“Recovering psychologically means understanding and accepting your illness and the limitations that it most likely imposes on life,” sums up Yakov Kochetkov. “And at the same time, do not take the position of an outside observer, but actively do everything so that the disease does not recur.”

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