When my daughter was a child, we lived on a quiet street where there were many children. Once a week the same neighbor showed up at my doorstep complaining bitterly about the goodness of my girl and her friends. Her usual complaints were that her daughter stuck out her tongue as she passed her house, and that groups of children, including my daughter, shouted obscenities at her.
My first reaction was to be angry with my daughter. Somewhat later, I had more unbiased and impartial thoughts. Like many other parents, I was inclined to side with other adults in any dispute with my daughter. Whenever I heard a teacher or school clerk accusing her, I almost invariably felt guilty and angry with my daughter.
What I realized, reflecting on the accusations of the neighbor, is that the behavior — which she described, was not at all characteristic of my daughter. Even at that age, she was a gentle, sensitive person. The crux of the matter was that the lady at the end of the street possessed a hatred for children and was sure that they were created only to torment her. She was constantly unkind to them, and they paid her the same. Good manners involve reciprocity, and unless the children are severely emotionally disturbed, most of them repay kindness with kindness.
Sometimes we do not realize how impolite we ourselves are with children. A funny illustration of this is one of the scenes shown on TV in the entertainment program. Four adults have lunch, talking to each other in the same way as they usually communicate with children. The hostess told her guests to wash their hands before sitting down to the table, and one of the guests pretended to be shocked by the creepy behavior at the table of the owner, who put his elbows on the table. Not only did the dinner party turn into a nightmare, it became a stark reminder of the lack of respect we have for our children.
Similar to this scene and the story that a mother told me about her four-year-old son. One day he looked especially annoyed at breakfast, and when she asked him what was wrong, his son replied bleakly: «No one ever says, ‘Good morning, Allen, how are you feeling today?’ You are always interested in only one thing: did I go to the toilet?
Adults are often inattentive to children, do not notice or pay no attention to the desires of a small child. A wonderful illustration of this is the case of a five-year-old boy, about whom his parents told me. They took the baby with them to dine in a restaurant. The waiter handed the child a gigantic menu and asked with great dignity: “What would you like to order, young man? The child looked at his parents with wide eyes and whispered, «He thinks I’m real.» This unexpected display of attention triggered an involuntary response that tells us a lot about how our children feel, due to our lack of attention to their desires and actions, they consider themselves less «real» people than adults.
And it’s no wonder they feel that way. A friend told me about how recently her little nephew intervened in her conversation with her mother. She told him that it was impolite to do so, that he must wait until she had finished speaking, and then say what he wanted. The conversation with his mother was long, but the boy waited patiently. When it was over, my friend said, «Well, David, now it’s your turn.» But as soon as the kid reached the middle of his story, his grandmother interrupted him. “I made David wait for us to finish talking,” my friend reminded her, “and I think now we have to wait for him to finish his story.”
Caring parents instill in the child that good manners are the path to normal human relationships. In other words, you do not perform any actions, do not say any words simply so as not to offend others, and they, in turn, do nothing that could offend you, hurt your pride. This is the ABC of the relationship of intelligent people.
Often bad manners is actually a symptom of a difficult or transitional age. The child should be helped to understand that he is simply not mature enough, and not a bad person, because otherwise the feeling of guilt will interfere with his normal development. For example, you should not be surprised if a three-year-old child becomes so overexcited with a large crowd of relatives that he loses the ability to control himself. Then suddenly the uncle kicks, and then begins to shout out all the obscene words that he learned in kindergarten. It is obvious that he is tired, has lost control of himself and needs to be alone for a while or take a nap.
A similar situation occurs when a teenager comes home and, seeing the guests sitting at the table, mutters inarticulately “hello”, and then hides in his room, slamming the door with a bang. Your guests are most likely people that this young man has known (and even liked!) for many years, so where does this unexpected violation of the rules of decency come from?
Teenage shyness and awkwardness are temporary phenomena. You don’t have to excuse this behavior, you can even make it clear that it would be nice to say hello a little more politely, but this is not a cause for great excitement. Experiencing this kind of social discomfort is painful for many teenagers, much more painful for them than it is for us.
Bad manners, when it is obviously associated with age immaturity, should be treated with tolerance; turning each case into an occasion for trial will only increase the child’s painful shyness. The best cure for such behavior is if you do not lecture, punish him, but simply talk to him calmly about how to behave.
Sometimes the behavior that we perceive as bad manners, in fact, simply reflects a change in the norms of behavior in society. Although outwardly it contradicts what we have been taught, but in essence it differs little. For example, if you give a gift to your grandson, he may not say «thank you!» but «Awesome!», which means the same thing. The long-haired, barefoot young people singing in the park may seem very ill-mannered at first glance, but upon closer inspection, you will find that while they are singing and dancing, they are also picking up the rubbish left by others.
It is important to be tolerant and understand that things that we consider to be indicators of good manners are not such indicators for today’s young people. They may not send cards on holidays because they believe that greetings have become purely commercial and that good feelings need to be expressed throughout the year, and they would rather do something pleasant unexpectedly than perform a ritual prescribed by someone. You can disagree with them, but simply rejecting their thoughts and condemning their behavior as bad manners is denying that life changes and new forms of caring arise, and this is in direct proportion to the change not only in life, but also in human relationships.
Good manners are clear evidence of well-being. When people are generally kind and caring, when life is meaningful and future-oriented, children instinctively respond to this, joyfully accepting the necessary rules for harmonious coexistence with other people. If we care about our children, we must not put up with water and air pollution, the barbaric destruction of natural resources, the terrible destruction of cities, the arms race — in short, everything that affects the lives of millions of people.
If we want children to take care of others, we must take care of them. Any nation that does not regard its children as the greatest national wealth has no future. None of us is personally responsible for the problems of modern life; We are victims just like our children. But what is most likely to ruin us is if we fall into despair, believing that each of us can do nothing to improve the world in which our children grow up.