Ignored: why do we hurt so much

Silence is one of the worst types of emotional abuse. Some of us physically can’t stand it. According to psychiatrist Hemant Mittal, the trigger for depression and anxiety disorders in many of his patients was precisely the unwillingness of a loved one to communicate with them. Why do we react so painfully?

Hemant Mittal considers ignoring one of the oldest psychological techniques for expressing disapproval or disappointment. Today, this simple psychological technique is practiced even between parents and children (recall the highly controversial practice of time-outs) and often takes the form of cruel manipulation.

Not all recognition is equally valuable

And while indifference to other people’s opinions may seem attractive, in fact it will not bring happiness. We are social beings, and we need to communicate with our own kind. In the world of our primitive ancestors, only those who were not rejected by the group or tribe survived.

Although this struggle for life is a thing of the past, we still need relationships with other people and approval from relatives and other members of society. Remember how important it was to fit in in high school?

Deep within us, there is still the fear of being rejected and exiled. The need for approval has not gone away, only now we are worried that we might hurt our colleagues, neighbors, friends.

Some people go too far in their desire to please. Such people try to gain the approval of everyone and everyone. Naturally, they do not succeed, because it is impossible to please everyone at once. There are not so many people whose approval and recognition is really important to us – these are those with whom we have a really close relationship.

Often we seek recognition from the wrong people.

I don’t need 500 strangers to “like” my Facebook post. And even the opinions of distant relatives and former classmates mean little, because these are not the people with whom I maintain close relations. We have confused ourselves and started behaving as if the opinions of others are equally important to us, although in fact only the opinion of some is really important to us. My husband’s opinion should be much more important to me than the approval of a group of mothers with perfect appearance, whose children go to the same school as my son.

Whose opinion really matters?

Decide whose approval and recognition is really important. It’s easy, make a list of 5-10 people closest to you. If you find yourself starting to worry about what someone might think of you, ask yourself, “Are these people on my list?”

If we maintain a close relationship with at least someone, their opinions, experiences and needs are important to us. But close relationships require compromises: for example, I sometimes help my sister by walking her dog, and she drives me to work when my car is being repaired. Since my sister is a really close person for me, it is important for me what she thinks and feels, and I am ready to try to please her.

Why you shouldn’t please others at the expense of yourself

Healthy relationships mean that we do not compromise our principles and beliefs, even for the sake of those closest to us. If we are concerned about the feelings of others, and we ignore our own, we belittle our own importance. You are entitled to experiences, desires and needs, and they are no less important than the experiences and desires of others.

You can consider other people’s opinions, but you don’t have to dedicate your life to pleasing others. We are adults, and this gives us freedom.

A healthy person in adulthood is separated from their parents. He still cares about their opinion if they are close, but the child and parents are separate people from each other. Healthy adult relationships can handle disagreements, disappointments, and mutual criticism.

A truly whole person takes responsibility for his own experiences and feelings, for the satisfaction of his needs. Only in this way can you learn to receive recognition, praise and approval within yourself, and this will mean much more to you than the approval of parents, friends and bosses.