If your parent is a narcissist

Loving a narcissist is better from a distance, especially if it’s your parent. Julia Al Hall, author of a blog dedicated to this problem, is convinced of this: “Recognizing that one or both parents are narcissists is a long and painful journey. This is because even grown children continue to dream of love and approval.

The healthiest choice is to cut off all contact with your parents, or communicate with them as little as possible. “Creating distance between your parents and you means that you have parted with the illusion that they can change,” explains Julia L Hall.

Here are some tips to help keep contact with narcissistic parents to a minimum.

1. Realize that health and well-being matter most

As a child, you did everything possible to please your parents, believing that your interests were secondary. It’s time to change priorities. “It’s important to set boundaries,” says Julia L Hall. “I decided to nullify communication with my parents only when I became seriously ill.” Once bedridden, Julia realized that she could no longer endure the stress that her mother had been the source of.

Today, her relationship with her mother is much better. “We didn’t communicate for two years, but then I took my mother to me — she had cancer, and I had to take care of her. But I set boundaries that weren’t discussed, and she even learned to communicate with my daughter.»

2. Learn to step back and set boundaries

If you want to free yourself and become an independent person from your parents, you must learn to step back and not react to their behavior. Set healthy boundaries: communicate via email or short phone calls, says psychotherapist Linda Martinez-Lewie, author of Living with a Narcissist: Treatment and Recovery.

“E-mail communication should be limited to superficial topics. If a parent continues to terrorize an adult child, it may be time to cut contact completely, although this is not an easy decision,” Linda shares.

3. Don’t get into a confrontation

It is useless to make claims and show a list of parental mistakes — he does not accept criticism. This can only make the situation worse.

“Narcissists are not aware of the responsibility to other people and are incapable of empathy, so confrontation will bring you even more pain, frustration and anger. State your position without pretensions or accusations, and then firmly stick to the boundaries you set,” advises Caryl McBride, family therapist, author of Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing Daughters from Narcissistic Mothers.

4. Be prepared for the fact that the parent will not agree to a break in communication

These parents usually do not see the child as a separate individual with unique needs and may act aggressively to maintain control over the child’s life.

“Setting boundaries means respecting yourself. It’s a slow process that involves the ability to identify your needs, realize that they are important, and learn how to defend them, ”says Darlene Lanser, family therapist, author of How to Overcome Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing Your True Self.

5. Don’t blame yourself for how the relationship turned out.

Children of narcissists often feel guilty about being manipulated by their parents. But you are an adult, and it’s time for you to understand that it’s all about the behavior of your parents. It makes you move away from them.

“Narcissistic parents have a knack for shedding tears as soon as their kids talk about their needs, and they do everything to make the kids feel guilty. Until you realize your own innocence, you will allow them to interfere in your life, ”says psychologist Fred Malkin, author of the book Rethinking Narcissism.

Relationships with such parents defy normal logic. They already ruined your childhood, don’t let them ruin the rest of your life.