In the upbringing of children, the principle of «do no harm» is no less relevant than in medicine. Some women manage to become attentive and loving mothers, but there are those who want to be called the epithets «poisonous or toxic.» Psychotherapist Veronica Moraldi tells what to do if you have an overbearing, jealous and controlling mother.
Psychologies: How can we identify toxic mothers? What harm can they do to children?
Veronica Moraldi: A toxic mother is a parent who does not allow the child to live and develop. There are several categories: importunate, domineering, helpless, jealous, overwhelming. Often this behavior is explained by their personal life history. Suppose they themselves lacked motherly love, so they are simply not able to give it to their children.
There are also mothers who are too narcissistic, a kind of daffodils in a skirt, who do not know that they need to take care of someone else. Others simply lack the maturity to raise a child. It must be taken for granted that some women cannot fulfill the role of a mother. They are not able to reckon with the wishes of the child. The phrase «toxic mother» is not so harmless at all.
Are they more harmful to boys or girls?
Depending on the gender of the child, the problem manifests itself in different ways. There is a clear rivalry between mother and daughter. An exemplary daughter should take an example from her mother, while maintaining her identity. That is, the girl is presented with a generally impossible requirement «to do something new with the same thing.» The mother often projects her personality and complexes onto her daughter, which makes it difficult for them to communicate.
Sons come across mothers who are too powerful, suppressing, “castrating” their will.
What consequences can be expected from such a relationship?
It will be difficult for a girl to find a good partner. She will grow up with the conviction that she is unworthy of love. As a result, he will «collect» bad partners. The boy will develop a negative perception of women, it will not be easy for him to communicate with them. And if women atone for sins with the help of motherhood, a man can have this complex for life, since fatherhood does not save him.
How to protect yourself from such relationships?
First, you need to distance yourself from your mother, try to see her less often. You can choose the «geographical» method, that is, to disperse at least to different apartments. You can also selectively and dosed to give her information about yourself. This will already reduce the impact. Secondly, it is worth resorting to the boomerang method: write down all her phrases that mortally wound you and send them in the form of quotes with a cover letter. In especially «neglected» cases, it is important to do this so that the toxicity of the relationship does not go into a somatic phase, so that you do not get sick.
No one can replace a real mother, but sometimes it is possible to find a “mentor-girlfriend”
If a mother oversteps her boundaries in a dialogue with you, you must stop her in time and fight back, explaining that her words will hurt you. Not every mother realizes that she can cause emotional pain to a child. I can give one more unexpected advice: try to see in her just a woman, not a mother. Then her phrases will hurt less. Try to ask relatives about her past. After all, she really is not only your mother, but also a woman.
Should we burn bridges at all?
This is an extreme measure, but there are times when it is vital to part forever. If every time after talking with your mother you feel humiliated and devastated, it is better to exclude such meetings from your life for good.
The main thing is not to feel regrets and guilt. It is better, of course, to make sure that the break is not final, that it is only a pause in the relationship. This “counter zeroing” has a beneficial effect on relationships in the future. No one can replace a real mother, but sometimes it is possible to find a “mentor-girlfriend” who temporarily plays the role of a mother.
What course of action to choose?
First of all, you need to try to understand the mother, to learn more about her childhood. If she was not up to par, do not blame yourself for the conflict. In a head-on collision, you also need to go only in extreme cases. It is better to use the “symbolic boomerang” technique that I mentioned above.
Will children be the same «poisonous» parents?
Such a scenario is not excluded. But more often than not, people raised by toxic mothers do everything they can to become caring and loving parents themselves. In addition, there is a blessing in disguise — such a childhood tempers and forms strong personalities, fighters in life.
Source: madame.lefigaro.fr