How do we feel without sleep? They went to bed late, got up early, or something constantly interrupted their sleep … And if you can’t sleep well for several days in a row? a week? Irritation and nervousness will probably spill out on loved ones.
Sleep has a huge impact on how we experience and regulate emotions. Lack of sleep causes us to become more irritable, have difficulty coping with stress, and experience extreme mood swings.
Studies have shown that people who were allowed to sleep for only five hours a night experienced more and more negative emotions with each awakening – anger, sadness, disappointment, irritation. They were less and less happy and experienced positive emotions.
And who did it ultimately affect? That’s right, on the closest – their partners. It was those close to them who were most often neglected, criticized, and as a result, they felt alone, vulnerable and forced to defend themselves. Do I need to explain how this affected the relationship? ..
Less sleep, more fights
Social psychologists Amy Gordon and Serena Chen have studied the relationship between how couples sleep at night and their behavior during the day. It turned out that the partners who did not get enough sleep the next day quarreled more with each other. And although the conflict itself is not at all a sign that something is wrong with the relationship, in this case, the intensity of passions in quarrels increased, and the partners began to behave quite toxic. “When one or both partners haven’t been properly rested, a quarrel over a trifle can escalate into an armed conflict,” explains Gordon.
Scientists from Ohio University went further: they invited 43 pairs of volunteers to the laboratory and asked them to enter into a typical conflict for them. (It turned out that even the laboratory conditions and the camera turned on are not a hindrance to this.) In addition, the participants were asked about how they sleep at night.
It turned out that for couples who slept less than seven hours a night, the arguments were quite hostile.
The reason is simple: the foundation of healthy relationships is empathy. When partners understand that their words are being heard, and their feelings are being understood, the emotional intensity in conflicts is usually low. Arguing people do not get personal and do not try to hurt each other more painfully.
Only here the lack of sleep directly affects our ability to imagine the feelings of another person. If one of the partners began to show less empathy due to a lack of sleep, the second began to behave the same way. The point, most likely, is that the second partner felt that they did not hear him, that his feelings were not important, and for his part, he also began to build an emotional wall.
Another study by psychologist Eleanor McGlinchey shows that lack of sleep and rest even affects our choice of words and tone of voice. Sleep-deprived people are less likely to talk about positive feelings and do it more quietly, but negative feelings are often and loudly stated.
Loneliness and fear
Sleep deprivation also has more global social consequences – including the emergence of anxiety and an existential feeling of loneliness. It begins to seem to us that we are alone in the whole world and no one understands us. This is confirmed by the results of a Berkeley University study published in 2018.
The sleep-deprived test subjects deactivated parts of the brain that normally help us understand other people and their behavior, according to scientists. And those that make us react with fear to different social situations are activated.
This affected the behavior of the participant in the experiment as follows: they became less active and sociable and were more likely to spend time in the company, sitting in a corner alone. Scientists also studied how others reacted to the subjects.
People who didn’t get enough sleep seemed lonelier and less attractive than those who slept normally.
But the most interesting is ahead. After observing the sleep-deprived volunteers, the scientists themselves felt loneliness and alienation, although they slept normally. That is, we can say that loneliness caused by lack of sleep is “contagious”. This effect persists not only in the laboratory, but also in real life.
After reading all of the above, you may be worried. But why do you need another reason that will not let you fall asleep at night? What you really need to do is make sleep a priority for yourself, for your partner, and for your relationship.
Excerpted from Sharing the Covers: Every Couple’s Guide to Better Sleep by Wendy M. Troxel; Hachette Go; 2021.