“If you loved me!”: how your partner manipulates you

1. Collecting information: the partner wants to know everything about us

At first, it is even pleasant to communicate with most manipulators – such people show an increased interest in us and our life, ask a lot of questions, and quite deep ones at that. We are flattered by attention, we like to feel attractive, extraordinary and interesting. So we’re starting to open up pretty quickly.

This is how not only manipulators begin communication, but also people with high social intelligence. But the first always have a specific goal: to find out our weaknesses and sore spots. And not in order to avoid them and not to disturb us, but to use them for their own purposes.

2. Impermanence: We are forced to guess

A partner constantly confuses us: either harshly criticizing us, our achievements, behavior or appearance, or giving expensive gifts – those that we are most likely to tell others about. The purpose of this behavior is to make us feel unstable and ask questions: what is going on? Does he love me?

3. Guilt game: we are forced to prove our love

It also happens that the manipulator plays – and very skillfully – the role of the victim. We hear questions like “how could you do this to me?”, “Why are you doing this?”, “If you really loved me, you would…”. And, of course, we rush to do what is expected of us.

4. Accusations of being too sensitive or not having a sense of humor

Because the partner, of course, “didn’t mean anything like that”, “just joked” or “wanted the best”, and we “take everything too close to our hearts”. Doing so is much easier than taking responsibility for your words and actions and apologizing for what you have done.

The saddest thing is that many of us really start to doubt ourselves: maybe we really are “overreacting to everything”? Or “we don’t understand jokes”? After all, “no one else is offended by this” …

5. Blows to the sick: the partner shows us what we cannot change

We all have flaws that we can’t do anything about – at least for now. For example, we find it difficult to communicate with strangers. Or we are easily hurt. Or we don’t handle pressure well. The manipulative partner will not miss the opportunity to remind us of these cons.

6. Omissions and ignoring

A classic tactic for someone who seeks complete control over us. Such a partner is silent, ignores us, or even “disappears from the radar” for an indefinite period, making us tormented by the question of what we did wrong. The ambiguity and lack of answers make us crave communication even more.

7. Gaslighting: We are made to doubt our own adequacy

The manipulator systematically sows seeds of doubt in us, which grow into a complete lack of confidence in ourselves, our reality, memory and ability to adequately assess what is happening. Maybe we really “felt”? Maybe we are paranoid? Or is the problem really ours? Are we overreacting to little things? Over time, we become more and more lost and vulnerable.

How to be in such a situation?

Relationships with a manipulative partner cost us too much from a psychological point of view. So if you recognize someone close to you in the description above, here’s what you can do.

• Remember: the problem is not you. Gather proof that your partner is treating you badly. And also enlist the support of relatives and friends who will remind you that you didn’t “seem”.
• Don’t expect the manipulator to apologize or even change. It would be nice, but, alas, this will not happen.
• Don’t play his game. Because he will win – he has much more practice than you.
• Set and maintain personal boundaries. Especially if for some reason you are forced to continue communication.
• If possible, leave. It’s not easy, but it’s better for your mental and physical health. If you feel like you can’t do it alone, seek help from a professional.
• Remember: you will be better off outside of this relationship. Because you deserve love, respect and adequate treatment. Don’t settle for less.