«If you go to a psychologist, our marriage is doomed»

When one of the two decides to turn to a psychotherapist, the family boat, sailing through the usual waves of daily life, inevitably gives a list. Does psychotherapy threaten the stability of our relationship?

“There is no reason to seriously worry if one of the partners decides to start therapy,” says family therapist Inna Khamitova. — In a couple there is always a certain «balance of shortcomings» of the two. It is either constantly broken and restored — and then the couple remains «alive», or the situation freezes, nothing happens in the relationship. In a “living” union, changes that occur with one cause the other partner to develop and change. And when the change is painful, it’s not uncommon for one or both of them to see a therapist. “Frozen” couples very rarely decide on psychotherapy.” And yet, such a couple cannot maintain stability: doubts, irritation and anxiety lurk behind external calm.

«Are you bad with me?»

The first cause for concern: if the partner turned to a psychotherapist, then our union no longer satisfies him.

“To some extent, this fear is connected with the history of relationships,” says Inna Khamitova. — In the first period of acquaintance and marriage, we are in a state of euphoria, involuntarily hoping that love will heal our childhood wounds. Then the desire of another to undergo therapy can be perceived as a collapse of this romantic look and cause great anxiety: it means that me and our relationship are not enough for him.

But maybe it’s not bad to put an end to the illusion of the omnipotence of love once and for all? According to psychoanalyst Marina Harutyunyan, psychoanalysis does not encroach on love at all, on the contrary, it can make relationships in a couple freer, let the missing air into them: “At first, emotional dependence, involvement in each other’s affairs feed feelings. However, after a while, what attracted yesterday begins to burden or annoy: the caring one suddenly seems to us to be dead, the decisive one — a dictator. When a partner decides to meet with a psychologist, he hopes to better understand himself and resolve internal conflicts, but as a result, relationships in a couple often change — they become more free and open.

A partner who talks about problems not at home, but with a psychologist, has energy for constructive communication in a couple.

«And what will you tell him?»

A partner once a week tells a stranger about us and our life, but at home does not discuss what is happening in the therapist’s office. Our desire to bombard him with questions, to find out in detail the content of the conversation is quite natural, but we have no right to demand frankness.

“As part of therapy, the client trusts the therapist with all his most painful thoughts, fantasies, and memories,” explains psychotherapist Bernard Zheberowitz. “Our communication is very personal, and the other should not interfere in it.”

This does not mean that the client cannot, if desired, discuss therapy with a partner (and indeed with any other person). “To discuss or not — everyone decides for himself,” says Marina Harutyunyan. “Often wanting to talk about therapy is a good sign. A person begins to share his discoveries and thoughts with a partner, which he did not do before. And this may reflect a renewed desire to get closer.”

The psychologist says…

Some, returning from the therapist, talk in detail about each session, creating the feeling that a third is invisibly present in the life of the couple. “Such a practice rather hinders psychoanalytic work,” says psychoanalyst Ginette Lespin. “This is a sign that unconsciously the patient is resisting, wanting to stop our meetings.”

In other couples, partners use the statements of «their» psychologist as a weapon, the last argument in the dispute.

“When a dispute arose, my wife always repeated that her psychologist considered me inflexible, unable to change. It just pissed me off,” recalls 37-year-old Nikita. “This is a kind of manipulation, pressure on a partner,” comments Marina Harutyunyan. — And if both are undergoing therapy at the same time, a battle can unfold in a couple under the slogan: “My therapist is right, and yours is wrong!”

“One of my patients brought me the words of her husband’s therapist, who allegedly claimed that she had a “typical neurosis,” recalls psychoanalyst Jean-Pierre Winter. — I objected to her: “But he didn’t tell you that!” The words spoken in the therapist’s office are not objective truth, but an instrument of analytical work, they are meaningful only within the relationship between the patient and the doctor.

«It’s too expensive!»

Another common cause for conflict is the cost of consultations. “If not for your psychoanalysis, we could finally change the car!” Irritation can be caused by the extended time of therapy, and doubts about the competence of the psychotherapist: “And how many more years will you go to him? And why is it taking so long if he is a good specialist?

“There is always a different message hidden behind such reproaches,” says Inna Khamitova. “For example, the desire to draw attention to oneself by “discrediting” therapy, to put forward other priorities, or even one’s own hidden desire to go to a psychotherapist.” But more often, the purpose of such barbs is to make the therapist responsible for failures in family life.

«I’m changing, so are you»

Changes that occur with one of the spouses violate the “status quo” in a couple. It begins to seem to the partner that he does not know the person with whom he has lived for many years. “Working with a psychologist, I learned to really listen to my husband,” recalls 40-year-old Anna. “And at first, paradoxically, it threw him off balance!”

“Any change in the behavior of one of the spouses is sensitively perceived by the partner,” notes Marina Harutyunyan. “Through psychotherapy, stereotypes of behavior are broken, and for a while this can create alienation between spouses.”

Partners come out of established roles (“husband-klut”, “ideal mistress” …) — this is the true effect of treatment: changes that occur with one entail a change in the other, forcing it to develop.

«You should too…»

Through successful psychotherapy, a person may be tempted to convert others to their new «faith.» But putting pressure on loved ones is a bad idea. We have no right to impose our choice, even with the best of intentions.

“A person should make the decision to go for a consultation with a psychotherapist himself,” Inna Khamitova is sure. “This is a very personal move. It is impossible to advise to turn to a psychotherapist, as they advise, for example, to prescribe glasses.

Those who say: “I went to a psychologist, and you go,” perceive therapy in a simplified, mechanistic way. “Such an offer to a partner does not mean at all that our treatment was successful,” the psychotherapist continues, “after all, the act of another will be just a copy of our own. But if one of the partners sees that the other has become more calm, open, that it is clearly easier for him to live, this, of course, can make him want to deal with his own problems.

«I’m leaving you»

Psychoanalysis and various types of psychotherapy are work on oneself, which always involves checking the truth of our actions and relationships. This also applies to the choice of a life partner.

Olga, 53, recalls how her husband left her after thirty years of marriage: “He explained that he married me because I was very similar to his mother, who died early. He said that he realized this during therapy, that it was not his free choice and that he no longer wanted to be responsible for it. The result of his work on himself is a destroyed family, and I was sure that we would grow old happily together.

“Patients who break up with a partner during therapy, in fact, usually make such a decision much earlier, even before the first visit to a psychologist,” Inna Khamitova is sure. “They often come to a consultation in order to find determination in themselves and realize a long-standing often unconscious desire.”

“Over the past few years, my husband and I have done our best to maintain the appearance of marriage,” recalls 36-year-old Maria. — After the death of my father, I could not cope with grief and turned to a psychotherapist for help. At some point, I suddenly realized that my husband was my father’s «deputy» — the same name, the same profession! I realized that I married … a copy of the pope. It is not surprising that our relationship did not work out — they simply did not exist. Now each of us has built a happy family life anew. I can’t stop praising myself for going to a psychologist on time.”

When a marriage is built on false grounds and partners live together not for love, but for some other reason, separation is preferable to eternal conflicts or boredom. Psychotherapy leads to the disintegration of only those couples who, generally speaking, should not have met.

«Start over»

However, shipwrecks are rare, much more often the couple sets off on a new voyage. Numerous examples confirm this. “Thanks to psychotherapy, I was able to understand that I was living a dream of an ideal man, but I simply did not notice the real person who was next to me,” says 40-year-old Nina. “Therapy helped me see that he is not only made up of obvious flaws: in fact, my husband is a charming, creative person. Turns out it was me!”

Psychotherapy allowed Nina to see the situation in a new way and rebuild relationships. “By destroying the old model of the family, therapy gives a chance to renew relationships, to return movement, flexibility, and life to them,” Marina Harutyunyan is sure. — And let the changes happen little by little: yesterday the usual irritation did not arise; the day before yesterday we discussed the film for a long time; today it turned out to look into the eyes, laugh together, talk about … New relationships grow out of these little things.

We would venture to suggest that psychotherapy does not “separate” partners, but rather helps to fall in love with each other again.