Returning to the parental home is often due to divorce, family quarrels, housing problems, or financial difficulties. But is it really so bad if an adult lives with his parents? And is it possible to make the cohabitation of several different generations peaceful and comfortable?
If adults still live with their parents or return to live in their parental home, we usually consider this a sign of failure and problems. “He didn’t mature”, “his personal life didn’t work out”, “he didn’t get on his feet.” But studies in the United States have shown that for the first time in a century, the number of young people (aged 18 to 34) living in their parents’ home exceeded those who live with their own families. 50 years ago, this was unimaginable: then 60% of young people lived with their families or with a partner, and those who remained under their father’s roof were three times less.
The situation has changed not only in the US, but in all developed countries, including Russia. In recent years, according to the HSE Institute of Demography, “the age of separation from the parental family” has moved from 18–20 years to 23–25 years. As for the “returnees”, half of unmarried women with children live with their parents in Russia.
For many, the parental home is the only place where you emotionally feel completely safe and comfortable.
“The previous generation left the parental home at a young age in order to quickly escape from parental influence,” explains psychoanalyst Simon Korf-Soss. “Those who are now in their thirties have maintained a close relationship with their parents. It was difficult for them to leave the parental home, so returning to it turned out to be quite simple and easy.
Returning to parents has not only economic and social, but also psychological reasons. For many, this is the only place where you emotionally feel completely safe and comfortable. Especially if in childhood and adolescence you lived in harmony with your parents and always felt their love and support. Such a happy youthful experience, if you have not been able to transfer it to a new independent life, can cause young people to be disappointed in a new partnership and return them, albeit temporarily, to their parental wing.
You have returned, but already “to another river”. And here disappointment is possible – both on the one hand and on the other. Parents are happy with the child, but it may turn out that now they live with a sense of an unplanned alien presence, even if they tactfully do not talk about it. Especially if the return is associated not only with failures on the personal front, but also with the lack of professional success.
“Modern parents rely on the social success of their children and feel guilty if they fail,” explains psychologist Bernard Beberovich. Yulia, who returned to her parental home at the age of 36, recalls: “Living with my mother, every day I heard the question: “Well, were you looking for a job today?” It was unbearable, although I understood that in this way she was worried about me.
In order not to bury personal life, psychologists advise not to stay in the parental home for more than six months
If you returned to your father’s house, work out new rules for the hostel. Divide the territory, distribute the responsibilities and the share of financial participation.
Even if you have no income, you can help your parents cook something, fix something, connect the Internet. It is important to realize that you are not returning to your home, but to your parents’ house. You should behave like a responsible and adult person, and not a spoiled child or an eternal student.
Personal space. Our apartments are not designed for this kind of hostel, when several generations live together. Especially when it comes to the cohabitation of two couples under one roof. According to psychoanalyst and sex therapist Catherine Blanc, such a communal life greatly interferes with the sexual relationship of both couples. Crowding limits the freedom of expression of feelings, makes it impossible to harmonize relationships.
In order not to bury your personal life, no matter how harmoniously your relationship with your parents develops, psychologists advise: “Six months of living together, but no more. This is quite enough to recover and heal the wounds.