Not knowing each other for real and living like the characters in the movie «Mr. and Mrs. Smith» is hard. But are we obliged to tell a partner absolutely everything if he is dear to us? That’s what psychologists say.
Many follow an unwritten rule: if we value relationships and respect our partner, we should tell each other everything. Share every thought and emotion. But in practice, this creates problems. We are tormented by guilt when we realize that some doors we would like to leave closed. The inner voice reproaches: “If you want a harmonious relationship, you must be honest. If you have secrets, you are a liar. It means something is wrong with you.»
To speak or remain silent?
“To say or not to tell your partner what concerns you personally is a matter of your ethics and values,” says family counselor Melanie Schilling. — I never give advice to clients on this matter. This is a moral decision and belongs only to them. But I recommend starting by asking yourself, “What is my motivation for keeping a secret?”
Perhaps we are talking about the details of your past, and it hurts to remember this. Or the secret concerns someone else. If you keep something a secret for fear that it will create problems for the relationship (for example, debts, illnesses, relationships on the side), this is an occasion to think about how much you trust your partner.
Dodging the conversation and making up excuses hurts relationships more than if we told the truth.
“Harmonious relationships are those in which both are satisfied with the degree of openness that each has determined for himself,” notes clinical psychologist Vladislav Leto. “Maybe it’s comfortable for one partner to have secrets, while the other is comfortable not to ask questions. These relationships will be harmonious. But if someone is not satisfied with this, problems may arise. ”
Close the door but keep the trust
It is difficult for us to refuse others, especially if this is the person we love and from whom we expect reciprocal love. It seems that the very phrase “but I won’t tell you this” will sound cold and harsh. And it will sound in our ears whenever we want to be listened to, consoled.
“In a relationship, nothing can be spelled out inside and out,” emphasizes Melanie Schilling. “We can’t account for every possible situation when we agree to be honest. This, too, should be understood and not put harsh conditions on others. If we are not ready to talk about something today, it does not mean that it will always be so.
Avoid explanations, too. By dodging the conversation and making up excuses, we hurt relationships more than if we told the truth. We let our partner know that we are not ready to take him seriously (“you don’t need to know this”) or we play the game “strict mother — naughty child” with him. However, the conversation itself still requires delicacy.
“It is important to sincerely show (and perhaps say in words) that you love and value your partner. That you like to discuss everything that happens with him, but you need privacy with some of your thoughts, ”advises coach Petr Bochkarev. Show that you hope for understanding, and make it clear that your request does not change anything in the relationship as a whole.
When to worry
“Too many secrets can indicate problems in a relationship,” says psychologist Matt Garrett. — Think about why you need such difficulties in principle, why you want to keep your distance. How close are you willing to let this person in? How important is he to you? If it seems to you that a partner will not accept you after learning some details of your life or history, is it worth going on a long-term voyage with him? Ahead may be common children, financial difficulties, illnesses. If you build fences now, you run the risk of tripping over them in the future.”
On the other hand, being too open can also hurt. If we trust our partner with our secrets in the hope that in this way he will love us more, this can be dangerous.
“We put ourselves in a dependent position. We show that we are ready to give up our interests, principles and values, just to gain control over the object of our passion, ”explains Matt Garrett. The desire to control a partner can also be indicated by the requirement of complete openness in everything.
“If a partner offers to exchange passwords for social media accounts and email, this can be discussed,” says psychologist Peggy Drexler. “But it’s important to say what it means to both of you. If your partner clearly doesn’t trust you and is trying to track your every move, this decision can make your life hell. If this is done for security and convenience purposes and you are aware of the responsibility this decision imposes, why not.
Sharing secrets takes the relationship to the next level. No matter what the secrets are, the decision to let a partner into the most secluded corners of your soul should not be made in a rush. No one has the right to demand from you greater openness than the one you determine yourself. And if you are still being forced, this is a sign that your feelings are being manipulated.